DarknessPrevails's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. First off, I need to get laid. Seriously, it sucks. It really really sucks. I never use to be like this. But now, I have so much pent up energy, I just want to release it. Damnit! There is so much shit going on through my head and today's talk with my parents about skipping school triggered it all. Every single thing. Blah. I can feel my depression settling back in, but I can also feel myself fighting it. I'm always at a constant battle with my emotion. I wonder which one will win this time. Haha. I don't think I'll ever be as depressed as I use to be. I just see things differently now. I've changed. And plus, my period is soo about to start and I get sooo moody. The other night I remembered what it was like to "love" Bettie. Now, I don't remember. It wasn't love, it was something else. Infatuation. Lust. But not love. However, I did care about her and I really did open myself up to her, not all of me, but almost every part of me. Hehe. And I'll admit, I feel betrayed. I can feel my bitterness growing. As much as I want to make it stop, I can't. For the first time, I must say, she might be the first person that I'll turn my back on. Everyone has flaws. And I am perfectly fine with other people's flaws, I know how to deal with them, and I usually stay friends with people. But her, she has hurt me in more ways then one, and from the deepest part of my heart I truly believe that she is not a good person. That's a lot coming out of me because I think EVERYONE is a good person. Yes yes, I'm very idealistic. And it's not because she was my girlfriend. I truly and honestly believe that she is not a good person. And if she doesn't change, she will continue to be a bad person. Sadly, some people never change. But I'll admit. I am still hurt and no, I haven't gotten over her even though it may seem like I have. Half the time, I'm not even acknowledging the pain I feel towards her. But hell, if I keep blocking it off I'm not going to be able to get over her. Eh, I'm getting there. It doesn't hurt as much as May. Anyways, Candice found a chick that she is really interested in. She was telling me about it last night. Boy was I jealous. No, actually, I was just a little jealous. Even though I like her a lot, I'm not ready for a relationship, and I sure as hell refuse to do long distance. Well, at least, I have to meet her and see if we click in person. But I was jealous, but not so much now as before. And I'm glad she told me. In fact, lol, I told her to tell me. It's great that she's getting over Alex. It's great that she's finding someone new and close to her that she can see every single day and be close with and cuddle and all that jazz. I told her I was fine being her friend. And I mean it. I care about her. I care about her enough to want her to be happy. Hmmm. So I got caught skipping school, kind of. My parents and I had this talk. I don't really remember what it was about. My mom thinks the reason why I skip school is because of her. It really isn't. I just didn't feel like going. And I really didn't do anything except for go to Barnes and Noble and read. It's marching band, I didn't want to wake up early to go to marching band and it's a whole lot easier coming up with an excuse for a whole day then half a day. My dad was telling me that my mom would never give up on me, but it would be easy for him too. Yeah, fucking great. I don't think it occurs to them that the person that bothers me isn't my mom, but my dad. That I actually want to be close to him. I actually want to be able to talk to him. I want to be able to hug him without feeling so fucking awkward. I want it to be like how it was when I was a kid which I can just vaguely remember. I can't stand to be touched by my parents. It's pretty sad, but it's the truth. They wonder why I keep everything inside? It's because I was taught to. When I wear my heart on my shoulder and I don't have my guard up, it hurts, it cripples me. Like today, when I explained why I wanted Kerry to win and how I wanted to be more involved with the GLBT community. I told my mom that I don't want Bush to win because he opposes gay marriage and he wants to discriminate against a group of people. My mom goes, "I agree with him." And it just fucking hurts. God, it hurts so fucking much. And when I told her that she should go to group with me, she said, "Yeah, I will definitely go." And then she walks off all tense and shit. It was like she was saying it just to shut me up. Just to leave. She says she accepts it, but I know she doesn't. I mean, my own mother, would prefer to have someone discriminate against me, hurt me, over me being happy because she doesn't think that marriage between the same sex is normal. What's sad is, I can understand if it goes against her morals or whatever, but the sole reason why she agrees with Bush is because she doesn't think it's fucking NORMAL. So she believes we shouldn't have the right to marry. My own fucking mom. As for my dad, he doesn't even fucking know that I'm a lesbian. And I think if he did, he'll fucking drop me. As much as he says he will change for me, it's bull shit. I don't want him to change for me. I want him to change for himself! Because if he doesn't change for himself, it's not fucking real. And I know that if he's able to deal and accept this will be the one thing that will bring us together. Or it could be the one thing that tears us apart forever. And he doesn't understand that the one thing that I want in this whole world is being able to feel like he really loves me. I want to feel close to him again. But I don't want to hear another, "Get the fuck out of my house" or "you aren't my daughter." Even if he says it out of anger, it doesn't change the fact that he said it and it doesn't change the fact that it cuts my heart to pieces. Every fucking time he loses control, he always fucking says it. And he always says that he shouldn't have said that and he didn't mean it. But if it's repeated so many times, you begin to wonder if he really does mean it. He's not even my real dad. It scares me that one day he'll really mean it. There's pride parade on Sunday. And I wish that one day my parents will be proud of who I am. I wish one day they would be able to stand at the parade and watch me march and be proud of me. Be proud of me because I'm proud of being me. I'm proud of who I am. Everything that I always really want never happens, so whatever. I can't even go to my own parents for comfort. I could NEVER go to my parents for comfort. My childhood is flashing before my eyes. Ms. Hanna totally psychoanalyzed me a few weeks back. She said that I keep a part of myself hidden. The part of me that is bright, smart, and energetic. And she is completely right. That's my innocence. That's the part of me that no one has ever been able to touch. That's the part of me that I keep caged. It's the part of me that is so fragile and weak. I've kept it caged for so long I don't even remember how to let it loose. The only time I have ever let it loose was around Tim and a few instances in 9th grade. I've always had to hide behind a mask. There's so many masks that I wear, that it's nearly impossible to get to the core. And the funny thing is. I know what I can do to let it go. I'm really not trying to play the blame game and blame my parents for everything. But how I was raised, and what they do, has made me who I am today. If I came out to my dad, it would change everything, it would unlock the door to my cage. But my mom doesn't want me to. If I came out to my dad, and there was a bad reaction, it would still unlock the door to my cage. Both ways would work. Because I would no longer have to hide in secrecy. I could give a shit about the rest of my family. The one person I want to know is my dad. I didn't really care if my mom knew because we've always had a connection. My dad is the catalyst. I know it. But my mom doesn't want me to tell him because she doesn't think he can deal with it. And I know he knows. He's probably just in denial or something. He's not fucking stupid enough not to know. I haven't even begun to touch upon the shit that has been on my mind. There is so much shit, but I am soo tired. Goodnight.