Yet another movie fucked me up last night. My eyes are all puffy from crying. I don't even know what triggered it. And then Mistress started holding me and I cried even harder. She got too close last night. Too close for my own comfort. I've never longed to be touched so much in my life. Last time was the first time a touch meant comfort to me. And that made me realize something. No one has ever held me when I was crying except Mistress. That night when I was crying out of pain, she comforted me with a hug. I took comfort in it. It was so fucking foreign to me. And then she asked me what was wrong and I told her it was too personal. That was fucking stupid of me. But it made me nervous how close she got. I asked her to hold me last night when I was crying my eyes out. After, I told her it was too personal. I don't know if she heard me. That's when I went to the other room and slept. I couldn't stand being so close to her and yet so far away. I'm so confused. So lost. So torn between so many worlds. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me the other. I don't know which one to listen to. If I can listen to both. I just don't know anymore. When people are nice to me, I get really paranoid. I think they're going to hurt me or some shit like that. It makes me so uncomfortable. But last night, when she held me, when she was being nice, I accepted it. I don't know why. I just did. Too close. Too close. I'm scared. And this hurts in soo many fucking ways. Too many ways. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don'tk now. I sigh.

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