I am soo confused right now. I feel like such a fuck up. I feel like I fuck everything up and nothing will ever work right for me. I feel like I'm always be a fucking failure in everyone's eyes. I have no idea why I am in pity mode right now. I don't care. I'm depressed. I was going crazy at work. I'm so fake. I can fake a smile and act all happy now. It's because I have to. It's because at work no one wants to deal with someone that's in a bad mood. So I pretend to be happy. I make people laugh. I try to make them happy. It's all instinct now. Customer service. By the end of the night, I'm all tired and shit cause I put so much effort into being fucking "happy." The customers have gotten a lot nicer now though so that's all good. And some of them are cool. There's soo many fucking annoying high school and college kids now. Especially high school kids. They just need to fucking die. Seriously, they annoy the fuck out of me. Not to mention, most of them I know and don't like because they're stupid. And did I mention they are fucking annoying as hell? I can't wait for summer to be over so I don't have to deal with all the dumb fucks.

Yay! I get to work mornings. Some anyways. My schedule is all fucked up for next week. And I have to go to stinkin' marching band. I kinda just want to quit cause I don't want to do all the work but Gina's drum major and it'll be state year. I just can't quit. Well, I made it into symphonic 1. Yay. Not really. Last chair. I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't make it. Gina made first chair and Karen made second. Then I forget who else. I never knew people actually talked about how good I use to be. I never knew that so many people knew I was good. It's weird. It doesn't matter now though. I'm not good anymore and I don't have the passion for the flute anymore. It's just not my thing.

I really miss Mistress. I haven't felt this way in fucking years. I haven't talked to her in like a week and I'm getting all fucking depressed and shit. I seriously feel like I'm going insane. I wanna cry but I can't. I'm in pain but I can't release it. I'm confused. I'm lost. And my world is fucking spinning.

I want a shoulder to cry on but there's no one. I want my parents to comfort me when I'm in emotional distress but they always seem to bring more stress on me. I don't think they have ever comforted me in my life. That's pretty sad. Except when I was sick. I just want to hug them while I'm bawling my eyes out and have them say that everything will be okay, or have them tell me meaningful. I want their love. I don't like this distance. I wish I could open up to them. But I can't. I'm so scared. I'm scared that they will hate me for who I am.

I'm tired of crying by myself late at night. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.

I just want to feel loved.

Mistress wrote something on her xanga about her mom telling her not to trust anyone. I think my dad told me the same thing once. When you trust people, you get screwed over because they always think about themselves before you. And if they have a chance, they'll screw you over if it makes their life better. People will step on you to reach for the top. They'll pull you down to be better then you. It's because that's what the world has made them to be. They'll do whatever they need to survive because in the end it's just them. They have no one to rely on but themselves. My dad told me to cherish the happiness that I have, to just enjoy everything, to have as much fun as possible, and cherish my friends, because once I get into the real world, it just sucks. He said once I get into the real world, I'll truly be alone.

I wish it wasn't the case, but I know he's right. I can see it in adults eyes. It's what happens when you lose your innocence. It makes me sad. This is why I don't want to grow up.

I still believe that there has to be someone in this world that can be trusted. I suppose that's why I get screwed over by so many people. But I still have hope because so many do not.

Hope. Heh. It's what keeps me strong when things go wrong.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

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