Tuesday. 5.25.04 2:13 am
Night time is a fucking curse. I think too much. I get to see Priscilla on Wednesday, I hope. We have a lot of catching up to do. I just want to spill everything out to her. I feel like I've had this big bubble just building and building ready to pop, and now Priscilla gets to pop it. Yay! Bubbles are fun to pop. I have so much to say and so little time. The mushy gushy stuff must be saved for when we are alone.
Trust. I use to give everyone my trust and have it broken every single god damn time. Now, I don't give it away so easily now. People actually have to earn my trust now. There is one person that I can honestly say I can trust completely and with my whole heart, and that is of course, Priscilla. I'm scared of giving Mistress my whole trust. In fact, I don't even know if I can. It's been so long since I've trusted someone. I guess it's sorta been at the stage of "I don't have a reason to trust her, but I also don't have a reason not to trust her." I trust her I just don't trust her completely like I do with Priscilla. The simple truth is, I'm afraid of getting hurt again, I'm afraid of getting screwed. People take trust for granted. I trust her more than I trust most people. But I don't really know her to really trust her. I guess, I don't know. That's the reason why I get a feeling that she's not being completely honest with me. Can't blame me for jumping to conclusions because I'm not told a damn thing now. It's hard giving someone trust when they don't tell you anything. No, that's not the way to put it. I don't feel that she is open with me. From personal experience, you can tell the whole world everything about you but they still won't know who you are unless you let them. As Mariela put it, well something like this, "You tell everyone about what your house looks like but they never get a chance to step in and experience it and truly see it."
This is bringing back bitter memories. You know, this kind of shit use to annoy the fuck out of me. Like seriously, I think that's why I totally treated Mariela like shit. No, I know that's the reason why I was such an asshole towards her. Because it fustrated me soo much. I really did care about her. I didn't love her. But I cared about her or else it wouldn't have fustrated me so much. I didn't give her a chance though. Once I started getting pissed off I totally blocked her off.
I'm giving Mistress a chance. I trust her. But I want to trust her with my whole heart. I don't know how much I can take with so much doubt in my heart, though. Maybe I'm just fucked up. I want someone to tell me that I'm wrong. But I seriously don't feel wrong. I know when people are open with me and when they aren't. I'm starting to get nervous.
God, now I sound like Gina.
I don't know any other way to tell Mistress except for letting her read this. This has actually been bothering me for a while, and it's starting to get me really fustrated. The honest to god truth, I'm tired of giving people chances. My patience is running thin. I can't just give away my whole trust anymore. I can't hang on to false hopes. Not again. I'm tired of waiting.
As sad as this sounds, I feel like giving up. As much as it would hurt, it would hurt worse if I kept hanging on. I stayed for love before, I'm willing to stay again but not under the circumstances of false hope. I'm willing to let my heart get shredded into a thousand tiny pieces if only there's hope that they'll be neatly sewn back together again, one day.
I've done all that I can.
This is out of my hands now.
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