I been having dreams like crazy. I've had so many that I can't even recall one. But I've found that I like living in my dreams more then real life, wether the dream was good or bad. I don't think that is a good thing. I feel more alive in my dreams then when I'm awake. That's why. In my dreams, I am able to express myself. When I'm awake, I'm not. It just feels good to be able to express myself freely. To be myself without having to worry about the consequences. I guess, in my dreams I'm always able to make things right. But in real life, it's just not that easy. In my dreams there's a sense of "everything is going to be okay." But in real life, there isn't. Through my dreams I'm able to express how worried I am. I guess that's the reason why I'm having so many dreams. Honestly, for those who know me, how many times have you actually seen me worry about something? I think the only time I ever worried about anything this whole school year was that day when Priscilla and I skipped school, and my mom called me when we were at the library telling me that the school called her and said I haven't been in school. That's like the only time I've ever been really worried. I mean, even when my parents found out that I skipped, I wasn't worried. It's nice to know that I repress worry and anger. Maybe I'm just a really laid back kinda gal. I guess it really has come to the point where I really don't care about a lot of things and therefore I don't worry. Man, I really do repress a lot of my emotions. I've gotten better at it, but it still happens. And I know everyone represses their emotions at one time or another, but I think I like overdue it. I have a lot of unresolved issues. Strange, how I can see the issues so clearly now. I'm going to forget by tomorrow. But seeing doesn't help. I have to know how to solve them.

Anyways, so my therapist is coming back in June, that's a really long time away. I'm trying to decide if I should tell her about Mistress. I've already told her about my sexuality, after telling half truths. But I figure, if I'm not honest with her there is no way she's going to be able to help me. She's cool though. I like her. It's just nice to have someone to talk to. Just talking to someone helps, ya know? Ben has helped me a lot the few times I have talked to him. Seeing how he's doing counseling as well, he's helped me by putting on his therapy hat. I never ask myself how I feel about something. I don't know why. I've never expected to feel. I've always expected to use my head. When he asks me how I feel about certain things, I find it really difficult to answer. Bad sign. Working on it though. Once again, I got off topic. So yeah, I'm trying to decide if I should tell my therapist about Mistress and our relationship. Honestly, I'm tired of explaining it to everyone. Everyone's always asking me, "So how's you and your girlfriend." I tell them we broke up, and there all like, "Awww. I'm sorry." And I'm like, "Noo. Noo. It's all good. She's my Mistress now." Something along those lines. And then I have to explain and it's annoying. I've never really explained this to an adult who isn't into this shit, except for Ben. I wonder if she even knows what it is. She's really young, okay not that young, but young enough and not that experienced but experienced enough. The difficult part will be trying to explain it to her without making it sound absolutely terrible.

I'm like waiting for next week to come around. One because school will be over finally, and two, because I'll be able to see Priscilla and chill with her. I don't know if she's in Washington right now or not. But anyways, yeah. It'll be great. We both have to be careful though. She has a car and everything, and her parents said that they are going to let her drive on exam week. So that will be very conveniet. We might go to shiloh and oaklawn just like the old times. Of course, there's that new kid, which I am actually excited to meet and befriend. He sounds like a pretty cool guy, but the only news of him is coming out of Priscilla's mouth and well, there's a little bias in that. Hehe. He plays Magic. Sounds like the type of kid I would get along with. I am such a nerd. I think I'm going to start playing Counter Strike. Or maybe I should just buy an x-box and play Halo. Halo is sooo fucking fun, but it's soo hard. Yep. I'm going to talk to my brother and see how much xbox is at his store. Then I can start renting games and I can become a game nerd! Sounds exciting. I love video games. Especially bloody violent ones. I can't wait. It's time for me to save up my money for an xbox! And I can watch dvds on it and shit. Fuck yeah. Play online. Sounds nice. By the end of this summer, I'm going to kick ass!! Haha. That is so sad. I haven't played games in a long long long ass time. It be something to entertain myself when I'm bored in the summer with nothing to do. Not to mention I get a 20% discount, plus the PS2 that my brother stole from me and said he'll get me a new dvd player from his work. Fucker. I'm still using the shitty one that I have now.

I'm out. Later.

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