I always push people away like all of them are going to hurt me. I never take the time to get to know other people and they don't take the time to know me. And the ones that I don't push away, they end up hurting me. I believe that I really do set myself up to get hurt. I pick the wrong people to be friends with. Well, I have in the past. It's not so much now because I understand what I'm doing. Sorta. But the "friends" that were my friends in the past are still "friends" now. Why? Because I'm an idiot. No, it's because there's always a part of me that believes they will change. That they have a change of heart. I know it's possible. Mistress is right. Well, she's usually always right. But anyhow, I do need to get my power back from him. I need to learn to speak up and stand up for myself. I don't know why I haven't done it in the past, because I do it to some people. I guess it's generally because I don't like making people that I really don't know mad. But Ben is right. I have the right to express myself whether it is out of love or out of anger. If they get upset or hurt about it, it's their problem not mine. If you get hurt the first time, it's their fault. If you get hurt the second time, it's yours. I keep making the same mistakes. I need to change.

I need to learn to trust the right people. And I know I push away the right people. I push away people that care and shit. I guess it's because I take it for granted and those are the people that can really hurt me. That can touch me. But by pushing them away I usually hurt myself more then I help myself. It hurts to push them away. Part of the reason why I do is because I know they care and I like being hurt. And that's when I start falling into my depression. Or one of the reasons. I'm angry with myself for allowing it to happen. For instance, take physics class and Mr. Ort. Everytime I look at him I get depressed because I feel like I failed him. At they beginning of the year, I was making A's in that class, by the in of the semester I was failing with like a 40. When he took me aside and started talking to me, afterwards, I started crying. It just hurt so much to hear those words come out of his mouth. And because I liked being hurt, I didn't improve at all.

I'm so use to feeling like a failure to everyone all the time that even when someone believes in me, I make myself anyways because I believe that they expect me to fail so I do what they expect. And I guess the reason why I tried so hard in Ms. Hanna's class (Dude, her first name is Betsy. Hahaha. That so does not fit her. I so do not see her as a "Betsy") is because she was the first teacher that ever told me that I'm good at something. Excluding band directors and flute teachers. That's a whole other topic. I mean other teachers have shown it by talking to me saying I need to bring my grades up and shit but I never did because I felt like they were critisizing me and weren't really trying to help. Now I know that they just have their own methods. When I look into Mr. Ort's eyes I can see that he cares and I can also see that he's sad because I do have a lot of potential and he sees that I'm wasting it. That's why next year I'm taking his class instead of regular because I want to make him proud. He had the right to express his anger. I didn't have the strength to change before. Now I do. And I will. It's really hard for me to connect with a teacher. That is Priscilla's thing, not mine. But Mr. Ort is the one teacher that I have connected with in a long time, and because of that it hurts even more that I disappointed him.

I'm starting to gain a little of my confidence back. I just need to believe in myself. That's something that I lost when I was just a teeny tiny little kid. I have changed. And I'm not going to go back to my old self. It's just not worth it. For the first time, I feel that I love myself. And that is an amazing feeling. Most people are afraid of failure. I'm afraid to succeed. But times change and that will change.

-Jess

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