Tuesday. 3.30.04 1:38 am
Maybe we were never true friends to begin with. We use to question what could possibly break our friendship apart, we both couldn't foresee it. It's strange that it took someone else to break us up, but then technically, we're doing it to ourselves. If she wants to make petty excuses for herself, fine. Because I give up. I'm letting go. This is the end. If she hadn't noticed already, I do mentally attack people with my words. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. I've done it to her a billion times, and I find it humerous that of all the times to be pissy, she gets pissy now. Well, as much as she thinks I'm assuming, I know what the fuck her family is like, I know how people see her, and one fucking stupid mistake that really doesn't make a difference at all is not going to make that someone she wants to care to stop caring about her. God. But whatever, I'm shutting up. Right here and now. Maybe I should not pursue the fucking friendship. Maybe I should just let it happen, if it should happen. Because everytime I ever fucking pursue anything with all my heart, I end up fucking a whole lot of things up. It's not fucking wonder I don't try. It's no wonder I have no motivation. It's not surprising that I stay so detatched from everything.
As much as I like having a true friend, as much as I like having a companion, I've always liked being alone the most. Hey, this is almost enough to get me suicidal if I was depressed. And yet, I'm never truly alone. I don't want to go back to thinking how everyone is going to leave. I keep jumping from, "Yes, I love being alone" to "no, I want someone with me." Shit, my highness is back and I feel fucking dizzy. Yay fucking hoo. Blockbuster was boring, I spent the whole time like feeling out this stupid book.
It's weird but I connect with guys a lot better now. It's like old times.
Now, that I'm not mad anymore, I really didnt mean a lot of what I wrote up there. I don't want our friendship to end. But I'm scared that if we both run, it will end. You're right. I don't know.
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