DarknessPrevails's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

The pain and guilt hits home. Jealousy threatens to overthrow me. I should never have let that stupid emotion through. Who exactly am I jealous of? Every single god damn person that gets to see and talk to Priscilla. I'm not that jealous, but jealous nonetheless. It just hurts to think that I use to be such a big part of her life. I use to be the person that knew her the best, now I'm just another stranger who knows nothing about her. People change, and I have no idea who she has changed into, how, and why. Now, we're just memories for one another. Memories of a friendship that can be achieved and memories of a minor mistake that fucked it all up. From what Priscilla wrote today on her NuTang. I know. Deep down inside, I know, this is the end. The path ends here. Two roads diverge and we both go our separate ways. In time, maybe our roads will cross, but if it doesn't, it's farewell. We use to be so afraid that it would happen. Now that it has, even through our own misery and guilt, we're still able to survive and it doesn't seem as bad. Priscilla's dragon dream scares me. And all I can do is choke on my own laughter. I know what it means. I know what I have to do. One of the the worst things anyone can do is hurt the person that means the most to them. I have to let her go. Out of us two, the wuss was really me. Priscilla was always the stronger of us two. I just hope that she will forgive me. I hope we learn to forgive ourselves and each other. Priscilla, if you read this, may our paths cross again some day, if not, farewell my friend. It was an honor to know you. You are by far my greatest teacher.

People come and go, each one leaving an unique imprint on your heart, big and small. And even though in the end, you'll have only yourself, you have those people to thank for the change that they've brought around and your ability to deal with yourself when you're alone. If the source of contentment comes from you, they are the catalyst that awakened it.

I'm starting to like school now that I'm not skipping so much and making friends and shit. Secretly, I've always liked school. It's not school that I had a problem with, it's the people. But, I realized, I was being a complete and utter idiot. I was happy today. I walked out of school feeling great. And I just lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, as alone as I am, everything seems to be a lot better that way. I never thought I'll hear myself say this, but it feels great to be alone. And I'm not bullshiting this time. This isn't a desperate attempt to make my life a brighter place. It's calming to be alone. When I'm alone, I feel happier and I'm more talkactive, and I feel good about myself. It's nice to know that you can still be alone and socialize at the same time. I think I've finally found the balance again. And I sure as hell connect with people a lot better. I know why. I have nothing to lose, or at least I think I don't have anything to lose. And when I think that, I perform at a higher level and I'm myself. Or maybe, it's just how I see things mentally. Yeah, it's probably that, but I can't make sense of that just yet. I just know, in the last week, I have changed for the better. I'm back and it feels fucking good.

In the last few days, I've had two consecutive dreams about me getting this cut that ends up infecting my blood stream and I start looking zombie like (I obviously got that from Dawn of the Dead, which btw people, is the shitest movie I have ever seen) and then blood starts dripping out of my ears and I start spewing out blood, (Got that from the movie Basic) and eventually I die. Well my first dream was more like a premonition like dream for my second dream, I knew the disease or whatever was spreading and I was trying to run from it and keep people so they wouldn't touch me. My second dream is where I get the cut, I don't remember how I received it, but yeah so I catch the disease and I start getting all sick and stuff. It sucks that I didn't spew out my guts and shit. I know a bad part of me is dying. That's what the dreams mean. And then I keep having dreams about Blockbuster and me working there, I have dreams about work a lot, and dreams about school and people. The cut in my dream stands for my cutting which has come to an end. But, I use to cut to prove to myself and other people that I really did care. The cut and the disease is the end to all of that. I'll be very disappointed if I find a cure in my dream. Work, school, and friends is way for my mind to tell myself that I am showing that I care by actually making an effort to try my best. I'm allowing myself to care. My apathy is dying. I can feel both good and bad. Hence, the reason why I'm in such a good mood. And the best thing about this is that, I didn't depend on anyone but myself. I sure as hell didn't have to depend on Priscilla, to make me feel good about myself and all that jazz. I didn't have to depend on Bettie to make me feel alive. They both helped and guided me, but it was me who actually had the courage to walk through the door.

Now, there's another problem I have to start dealing with. Males, dicks, and sex. Yep, I'll explain more next time. I have to take time to think about this. Disturbing, very disturbing thoughts.

I have my muse back. Score! Short story in the process.