DarknessPrevails's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I really do love play the flute. I use to be so good. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I gave up. Today was the first day that I've practiced in a really long time. When I picked up my flute, I started crying. I've been crying a lot lately. Too much. It's starting to bother me. I feel so different. I don't know who I am anymore. There's so many parts of me that I've denied for so long. I've repressed so many of my emotions that it's come to the point where I can't differenciate one emotion from the other. I still miss Tae Kwon Do. It's been a while since I've done anything. These past few days, when I walked out of my parents store, I would always look upstairs where I took my Tae Kwon Do lessons and just watch the kids. Heh, I miss it. I sacrificed Tae Kwon Do for the flute. I couldn't afford to get kicked in the fucking face or anything. Now, I suck at both. I could actually get a job at Tae Kwon Do teaching the little kids. I'm thinking about going back. Maybe. Gotta talk to my parents about it first. God, I'm so out of shape though. But what can I say, I like fighting. More then anyone knows. It's a way for me to get out my anger. It's a release. It feels fucking great when I get to spar. This time, I won't have anything to hold me back. I still want to play the flute though. But I don't think I'll ever be able to love it like I use to. There's no release in it. I don't have the patience to learn the notes, much less make music out of it. I enjoy playing it, but I'm not that serious about it anymore. Just like I'm not serious about softball. I use to be. I wanted to go to UCLA and be on their softball team. Richardson softball teams suck though. Which means, I suck. But yeah. I could soo see myself becoming a professional softball player. Haha. Not anymore though. Too late now. But I love softball. Softball is fun to play. I might just decide to try out for the softball team at my school next year. But I like writing the most out of all of that. Even my writing sucks. It's not as good as it use to be. And I swear, my vocabulary use to be a lot bigger then what I have now. Quite surprising. It's cause I use to roleplay. I don't do that anymore due to the fact that I have a social life. Not right now, cause I'm fucking groundedddd.

Speaking of getting stuck in the house all day. I think I'm going to drive myself insane if this keeps up. I need to go out now. I don't even need to hang out with my friends or anything, I just want to get the fuck out of the goddamn house. Yep. I want go to Shiloh. Although, that would most likely bring back memories of Priscilla. But I just want to go. To be in nature. To think. I love thinking in nature. I just want to go to Shiloh to remember all the good times Priscilla and I had together there everytime we skipped school. We would sit under the bridge for hours just chillin' and talkin'. It's been a beautiful day out these past few days. I'm disappointed that my parents won't give me my keys back. It's not like I got into some big wreck. Sheesh. I'm started to get irritated. And fustrated. And pissed off. I can feel it coming. Yep yep. I can't put on a bright face for more then a few days. It's leaving me now. I'm on spring break with no goddamn car. That's fucking bullshit. It's been like three weeks. Or something.

I was contemplating whether or not I would ever go out with a guy again. Nah. Males in general scare the shit out of me. Did I mention, females make me nervous? Haha. Kinda sucks. I can't see guys ever being able to give me what I want, because in some twisted way, I think guys are evil. Which is totally fucked up cause aren't you suppose to think that when you're like six? Nah. I had a shit load of guy friends when I was little. But now, when I look at guys I only see how nasty and filthy they are no matter how attractive they may seem. Granted, some guys aren't that bad. I don't think I ever told anyone that. I don't even know how to describe how I feel when I look at guys. It's probably because I never take the time to actually acknowledge the feeling. I trust them the least of all.

So I'm only writing cause I'm bored shitless at home. This sucks. This is irritating beyond belief. I have a feeling my parents and I are going to get into an argument.

Fuck this.

I'm out.