Erm. I'm in a strange mood tonight. I think all my emotions have finally been brought under control. They let me out of ISS early. Oh wait, I said that already. Did I say that I was disappointed that they did? I wonder if the assistant principal will let me spend more days in ISS so I can be exempt from my exams. It's sad, I know, but I like being stuck in a cubicle all day. People make me nervous and paranoid. I don't think I've ever fully realized the extent of that until I got out of ISS that day. I like it a whole lot better. I don't think that's a good thing either. There's a point to this I swear. So in second period yesterday, we were watching Remember the Titans, and I almost started crying when they were clapping for the injure dood's mom. Don't remember the kids name. Ya kno' the one that got paralyzed by the accident. Yeah, I almost cried, which is passing strange because for one..it's in school, and two...I've seen that movie like a billion times and I never came close to tears. The reason I like ISS is because I'm more calm. When I got out, I could feel chaos tumbling in my head again. And my happiness died when I walked out of that door. It's because I'm scared shitless of people. That's a very disturbing thought.

For some strange reason, I can't stop thinking about Brandi. It's strange, how just a few years ago we were such close friends. She was honestly the first person that I've ever told about how I truly felt. And she was such a good kid too, until she started smoking pot. It's sad to think how much she has changed after that, and she's probably doing harder shit now. I remember getting into an argument with her last year when she turned me into the counselor for cutting. It really is no different from getting high. You're blocking off your emotions. She use to acknowledge her problems, now she's in constant denial. Using pot as an excuse to make her happy because she suffers from clinical depression. It's so sad. I've always been wary on who to trust after her. In the end, I can't hate her. God. I always loved her for her blunt honesty. Yep. I don't know why I'm even typing this. She wanted to kiss me once. Or make out, one of those, when we were on my bed. I remember us discussing whether or not it would bother us kissing girls. We both said it wouldn't. I wish I could help her find herself. Sometimes I do think it's my fault that she's addicted. I remember the first time she told me she got high. I remember her telling me she wouldn't do it again. I remember her doing it again, and I remember I didn't even bother to try and stop her.

Kensey McDonald. I've been thinking about her a lot of late to, it's probably because I've been seeing her a lot lately. Haha. I remember she wanted to kiss me last year and I her. She had a boyfriend or girlfriend..someone that liked her or whatever at the time. Don't remember. She told me I use to hate her in elementary school and hit her all the time. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. I supposedly stole her best friend from her back in elementary. I find that amusing. Things have changed. And I feel this strange little connection with her. It's not the connection that you feel having known someone for so long. It's something else. An understanding? We live such different lives, and yet, there's an unspoken understanding when our eyes meet. I don't feel the barrier with her that I feel with so many other people. There is no barrier. It feels like she can see right through me. It could also be her fucking pscyho vibe.

I think I'm missing people. I think I miss people that understand me. I miss Timothy McGuyver (I don't even know how to spell his last name, I use to) most of all. I don't know why. Yeah I do. I wish I could contact him somehow. God, I remember back in Apollo, when I first saw him in years, it was as if things never changed. I always thought he would make a good pilot. He's brilliant, but very fucked up. It's sad. He had so much potential, but he totally fucked himself, and I know why. He was always a bad kid. And always a horny mother fucker. Hehe. He was my first kiss. *Tear* Not really. We did it out of curiousity.

God, I remember Jefferey. He looks so handsome now. It's a shame he went to go live with his dad. I punched him in the nose in taekwondo and made him bleed. Not to mention we went to daycare together. He was great. I miss him. He's a good kid.

I don't know when I started to change. I use to be different from how I am now, obviously. Everyone is always changing. But I mean, I was never so cold. Depressed, yeah, but cold, no. I don't know when it started to happen. I can feel a part of me coming back...like just a few days ago..in ISS..also with the incident with Priscilla. I don't know. But it happens rarely. Maybe it's because I've repressed so much of my emotions. I just don't know. I use to be different. I wish I was the kid that was good at everything I did. I wish I was still the best flute player in the school. I wish I could still kick ass in Tae Kown Do. At least, I'm still decently good in softball. But fuck, even that has faltered. I'm not the same person as before. I felt it all coming back to me last week. But it's all gone now. I don't know what happened.

I think a part of me really did die that dreadful summer when I got into a fight with my dad. Priscilla told me one day at Shiloh, when her parents scream at her, she goes inside her head, basically blocking them off. When my parents scream at me, I'm more alert then I have ever been in my life. But at the same time, I'm not. Especially when they use to hit me. Beneath all the crying, beneath all the turmoil, something else lingered. It was a good feeling. A strange feeling, that I don't think was really suppose to be there. I don't know how to explain it. It was like a part of me was awakened. I don't know. I think it's the feeling of losing yourself.

My thoughts are starting to disturb me.

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