Things are changing too fast too soon. Maybe everyone does leave you in the end, maybe things won't work out in the end. Heh. I don't even want to think about this shit anymore. Bettie might be going to boarding school in New York. I'm never the one to stop someone from reaching their dream. I love her too much to stop her. Enough said. I'm not speaking of the matter anymore. I find myself not caring again. The world's two greatest people in my life has already left me or is about to. And I don't think I will find it so difficult to close myself off to everyone. It's hard to close people off when you already have your doors open for others. But once those people leave, it's not that difficult to shut the doors. And I fear that's what I'll be doing. I can feel myself throwing up the walls again, preparing me for the pain that will come. I can feel the coldness settling back into my heart. Even though Priscilla will only be gone for a year or so, I'm afraid, if we do pick up our friendship, things will be terribly different for the both of us. People change. And that change is what terrifies me. But Bettie, once she's gone, she's gone. Yeah, I could talk to her long distance. But what we share with each other will be no more once she's in New York. This was bound to happen anyways. Grief. I don't think I've ever felt this emotion before. In the deepest darkest corner of my mind, I know what it is like to return home. I understand the calling, if only barely. And I bet it's so much stronger for both Bettie and Priscilla. Heh. Suddenly, I have this yearning to meet my real dad. You know, the thing that he's most afraid of is me forgetting about him. My life would be so different if I was still living in Taiwan. But I have no doubt that I'll be just as fucked up. I don't even know why the fuck I'm talking about this. I haven't felt this lonely in a very very long time. I can feel myself embracing it already.

I talked to Mariela last night. My ex-girlfriend for those of you who don't know. It was interesting, I must say. I'm just curious to see when her world will come tumbling down again. I'm just waiting for the day that her past catches up with her and she is forced to see the truth. Not surprising that she's still in denial. All these petty excuses that she makes for herself to make her life seem better. It's all an illusion. It's sad actually. And the only person that can help her is herself. She doesn't listen to other people. She knows but refuses to accept. I remember the day I went to her house because she called me crying. She makes great metaphors. I can't quite describe it the way she did. Something along the lines of there being a house in which she lived in, surrounding it is wilderness. She told me she was afraid to leave the house because she might get lost some where in the wilderness and not be able to find her way back. And the world that no one knows about in which she only lived in. I think I learned something from Mariela, and I don't think it's a good thing. Mariela has the thing where she's able to tell everyone everything about herself, but she doesn't open herself up to them. I do that. I can tell people, even now, on this bloody journal, how I feel, what I think, my stories, but not open myself up. That's the reason why I'm able to express all of this shit. This doesn't make sense. I don't know how to explain it. The only person I've ever fully opened up to is Bettie. She's the only person that has ever come close to seeing the extent of my sorrow. It's a scary thing, to open yourself up to someone like that, knowing the risk you're taking of getting hurt, but eh, Bettie's well worth it.

I have to go now.

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