DarknessPrevails's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I got into a minor car wreck and now I'm grounded for I don't know how long. My parents took the keys away from me. The fuckers that I hit are trying to screw us. The wife is complaining that she's sore from the accident which is of course all fucking bullshit because there isn't even a fucking dent on my fucking car. And the impact was like a jarring on a roller coaster ride when you stop. Yeah, that's how minor it was. So now I'm grounded.

I'm in a very strange mood right now. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. It's probably because I've been home all day the past three days. I miss it. I miss being alone by myself in my house when no one is around. I haven't stayed home like this in a long time. I haven't given myself enough quiet time. It feels so good to just sit and think. God, I remember when I use to stay home all the time, and the only thoughts that popped into my head were dark and depressing thoughts. I remember hating staying at home because it made me so depressed. But this summer, I taught myself how to control it. It's great. It's nice to know that I never really get bored at home. So much for punishment. Yeah, I miss seeing Bettie and Priscilla, and I miss the freedom of driving. Actually I don't miss driving. But it's not like they can ground me forever. And then they'll get sick of me being at home and will want me to go out and socialize. It's not like I'll be grounded forever. So I'm taking advantage of this isolation.

My dad really does love me. Last night, I slipped down the stairs, my cell phone flew from my hand and hit the wall, and my dad came running toward the stairs with a look of horror and worry on his face that I have never in my life seen before. And at that moment, everything was pushed out of his mind, there was no car accident, no tension, etc. That very moment when he came running towards me, I knew that he really does love me, and I felt so warm inside. The problem between my dad and I is that we hide too much of ourselves. Our weaknesses and feelings we keep a close guard on. And both of us are too stubborn to yield to the other. I am very much like my dad. If only I could be half as good as he. I know though, when I'm older, we'll be able to talk. My dad does not believe in the whole father daughter friendship thing. Thus, the reason for our lack of communication. But the problem is, will it be too late then? I really should tell him how he affected my life. I will. I will. On Father's Day.

I really do love Bettie. I cried today at the thought of her leaving to New York and not ever being able to see her again. Even though she's not going to be leaving until another two years, it still hurts to think that she won't be a part of my life forever. It still hurts to think that she'll find someone to replace me once she gets settled in NY. It hurts to think that she'll be leaving, and I'll be left behind. I can't see my life without her, yet I know she'll be leaving, so my path lies in clouded darkness. But in any case, I'll leave the future to the future and stick with the present and cherish what time I have with my first true love.

Bettie wanted me to be more dominating. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to because she doesn't take pleasure in being submissive and I take great pleasure in it. She likes being dominating and I like being submissive. It's not in my nature to be dominating. And that's the one big thing that broke Mariela and I up. I didn't know that until just recently. That was the strange vibe that I got from her. The wall that was between the two of us that we were never able to break. And I must admit, it was mostly my fault and not hers. She opened herself up to me more then I ever did with her. We were both waiting for something that neither of us could give. I was never able to play the dominant role. And when I realized that I had to in order for this relationship to work, I closed myself up and pushed her away. I admit fully, I was an outright bitch to her. But playing that role just sets me off and brings the asshole-ish side out of me. I guess that's the reason why I want to speak to her and make amends. Yes, I'm so proud of myself, I finally figured out what the bad vibe between the two of us was! Victory. Finally! It fustrated me that I couldn't figure it out. Anyways, Bettie shoudn't feel like a tyrant just because I want her to overpower me. After all, I do enjoy it. And she enjoys it. It makes me happy to know that she does enjoy it. Now, if only she would stop fighting it and just give in! Hmph! I can tell she holds herself back when she's aggressive with me. I really wish she didn't though. That time in Priscilla's room was great. Don't hold back. Just do it. And, if at any point I don't enjoy it, I'll be sure to tell you. And technically, we do have equal power. It's only unequal if you take the power from me unwillingly. And I always have the power to tell you to stop. =D

As for Priscilla, I was reading her blogger earlier. Don't feel guilty because you aren't changing. You aren't really fucked up. There's nothing wrong with being "demented and evil". In any case, you aren't even demented or evil! Your parents are completely fucked up and should let you be your own god damn person. Do not feel guilty. And you should never change for someone else. You always, ALWAYS, change for yourself. Right now, I honestly don't see anything that you should change. Oh wait, I do, your OCDness. Haha. No, just kidding, everything about you, how you think and how you handle things and what you do, make who you are right now. And at this particular time, that's who you need to be yourself, not what someone else wants you to be. As I learned from my dear English teacher (I do pay attention in class), people have their own rhythms in life. They dance to a different tune and have their own beat. And that's what makes them human and unique. So fuck your parents and forget what they said to you.

Ben has persuaded me to see a therapist. I am going to talk to my mom about it when I have the time. His little "mock trial" of it on the net has put me at ease. I know it'll be difficult for me to voice my feelings but that'll take some getting use to. The one thing that I have to remember is that I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay. The problem is what to tell and what not to tell because I don't want the therapist to relay shit to my parents. Even though, it might be a good thing that the therapist tells my parents something, but there's some things, for instance, the rape, that I don't want my parents knowing about it. They wouldn't be able to deal. Not yet.

You know what? I never knew the difference between abuse and a spanking. What's the difference? When do spankings become abuse? I remember when my mom pulled down my pants and started hitting me with a wooden board. And I remember them belting me. Actually, I don't remember that but I know it happened, and plus my dad sort of told me. I can't slams doors because of that. I wonder what happened. I remember my dad telling my mom to get the belt, and I started crying and begging. Yep, that's it. What on earth is a spanking? I'm so confused now. I mean, at what age does spankings turn to abuse? Or is spanking and abuse to different things? I'm confused.