DarknessPrevails's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I don't feel comfortable writing this subject on my other online journals because everyone can fucking read everything. But at the same time, I need to make it a public entry somewhere because, I need other people's insights, advice, and perhaps similar experiences so I won't feel so alone in this even though I know I'm not. I know people who've been raped but I've never known anyone who was an incest victim. Shit, I don't even know if it's incest. In any case, I was masturbating earlier, and I didn't hear his voice, I did but I didn't, I didn't see him, but I did but didn't. It's hard to explain. But it was the first time it happened. That sort of thing at least. It's like I went back in fucking time. This sucks. I think I just regressed and am kind of stuck there. The full effect of what just transpired is starting to hit me. But okay. Getting this out of my system. He didn't just want to fuck me. He wanted me to enjoy it. He wanted me to be afraid of pleasure unless it was with him because this...that...was all I would ever be good enough for. To please him. To allow him to please me. No one else. Shit...I better type this out before I forget. Noo, it's fleeing. He started fingering me first. I hated it. I couldn't understand why he was doing it. I wanted him to stop but I couldn't stop him. I didn't even try. He told me to surrender myself to the pleasure. That this was the right thing to do. Give in. This was all I would ever be good for. He told me not to fight it. I tried fighting it anyways. But he was too good, too experienced, and I was too inexperienced. He was very gentle with me so I would believe him. I tried not to make any noise because I guess I thought that would be like surrendering to it. But it was too much, I felt it coming, I felt the pleasure. My breathing became ragged, and and...I moaned. I didn't like what he did, I didn't like that he was the one doing it, but I liked the pleasure he gave me. I .. I felt dirty...and still feel dirty for enjoying it. It was the first time he did it, and it wasn't the last time. He would keep doing it until I started to really enjoy it...keep doing until I wasn't so tense...keep doing it until I wanted him to do more. 'Till I wanted him to fuck me. And he made me beg for it, then he would fuck me. Hard. It hurt. Really bad. But I enjoyed it. I'm ashamed of myself for enjoying it. I can't even think of the word he used. He said...right...deserve..."You don't deserve anything then this." He started getting nastier and nastier with me. The smirk in his face scared me. He had black hair. Fuck. I wasn't suppose to remember that. Fuck. Why the fuck is it all coming back to me now? It was my uncle. I can see him. Shit. Fuck. Mother fucking a. If my uncle was to strip right in front of me, I bet you I could ... I could draw him if I knew how to draw. Every pubic hair, his arms, his chest, the hair on his chest, his armpit hair, the way he stood, his legs, his feet, the way he looked when he was about to take me, everything. I remember. I think I'm going to throw the fuck up. Ahhh. This needs to go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go the fuck away. At ... nevermind.

I knew this was going to happen when Max came out and he was just sitting there on the counter with his head down! I knew it when I felt the presence of a child at the door of the physics room. I knew it when I felt that I wasn't in my body. I knew it I knew it I knew it. Fuck. Ahhh. At least now I know that pleasure isn't bad, that I do deserve more than his mistreatment...thanks to Bettie. God, she's a life savior. I love her so much.

We do deserve more. We deserve more then what that guy gave us. He had no right to do this to us. What he said was wrong. It was only to make us feel smaller. We don't deserve that. He's gone now. Gone in California. Shhh. Shush. It's okay. He's gone and he won't hurt us anymore. Pleasure is good when it comes from someone that you love. Not that kind of love, a different kind of love that you don't understand yet. You'll understand when you're older. It's okay. I'm here to protect you. It's okay. Don't cry anymore. You're safe with me. There's no need to fear him anymore. He won't hurt us. I'll stop him if he does. We're going to bed. I shouldn't forget this no matter how much I want too. Ah. Maybe I'll try to draw him tomorrow. His figure is perfectly imprinted in my head. *Sigh* I love you. It's okay. We're safe from the bad guy.

Goodnight.