I think I'm going to be writing in this blog more often due to the fact that no one knows about it and I can express myself more freely on here. Anyways, where to begin? So many things has happened so far that I don't know where to start. I stopped thinking about the rape thing a long time ago. I'm pretty sure I know who did it. It was my uncle, on my step-dad's side. I could be wrong, but it really doesn't matter. I don't need to know who it was and how it happened. I just need to believe that it did happen and heal from accepting it. I haven't accepted it 100% but I've grown in the past few months more then I ever have before. I don't think I need a therapist for this. I can help myself for now. The thought of it only bothers me when I'm really emotional, so I've still blocked a lot of it off. In fact, all of it. In time, I'm sure my conscious will give me a very rude awakening which I'm quite terrified of actually. I can feel Max, but he never talks anymore. It's weird. It's like he's alseep. That's kind of scary. I haven't thought about him in a few weeks I think. Then suddenly, the thought of him crosses my mind last night. I haven't exactly been paying much attention to myself. Well, I can't remember. It's sad. I remember going through school in a daze. But the only thing I really remember is having the stomach virus and that was just a few days ago. After that, it's a tad bit hazy. I mean, school wise. I can tell you what I did during the week, just not on the right days and stuff. But that doesn't matter. The point is, Max has been a little too quiet. It makes me nervous. I can feel him though. Looking through my eyes, in a calm and reserved manner. Too confusing. I'm not thinking about it now.

I just realized how many people are actually into the BDSM scene. I was at group this Thursday and it was amazing how many people raised their hand and explained how they loved being tied and spanked..and yada yada. I didn't think the whole dom/sub thing was so common. Obviously it is, especially around gay guys. I'm not stereotyping, just making an observation. Kinky sex is fun. I want handcuffs. I was thinking about one thing that I don't think I would be able to live without in my partner. And that is definitely the whole dom/sub thing. I love feeling helpless more then I like feeling pain. But that intermixed is...god. I mean, my girlfriend and I don't have the whole dom/sub thing going on full time, I would die if that happened, but she does it often enough and I love it. It's the best feeling in the world. To surrender yourself to someone completely. Yep. I'm a newb and don't know what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter. I have a sadistic megalomaniac (sp?) and pyromaniac g/f who gives and takes power away from me as she pleases. And that's all I care about. At least she doesn't abuse her power. One of these days, I'm going to let my sadistic side out to play. Sad thing is, she hasn't even let that part of her out or else I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. God, how I love her.

I have her necklace! Yay! I totally went off topic. One of these days, I want to experience the real thing. The real BDSM. Not whatever the fuck I'm doing with my g/f right now, which is too real and too fake at the same time, if that makes any sense. It doesn't have to. It makes sense to me. But then, I have this serious problem with doing what people tell me to do. It's just not my style. I'm going to go to bed now. I totally got off topic, but I'm not in the mood to write anymore. So...goodnight.

Nutang is so much better than diaryland and xanga put together.

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