So this is my very first entry and I am afraid I will be beginning this on a sad note unfortunately. My friend Priscilla is apparently mad at me or hurting because all the shit I gave her about smoking weed. She's like my best friend. No, the word 'best friend' doesn't even begin to describe the bond we had together and I am quite frightened that it will all be ending shortly. I can't help but think that part of it is my fault. If I would have just bottled up my anger and kept my mouth shut none of this would have happened. But then again, I know that would not be the case. Even if I didn't say anything, we would both feel the tension between us and that would inevidently pull us further a part. I think it was best that I decided to voice my opinion on the matter. But I could have been a lot more gentle.

So why exactly does it bother me so much that she smokes weed? Because weed makes you stupid. Not to mention she does it just to run away from all her problems. She doesn't like dealing so she gets high. She gets high so she'll fit in somewhere. And the worst reason of all, she gets high because subconsciously she is setting herself up to fail because inside she has always believed that she was never good enough for anyone and always did everything wrong. The girl has so much potential to be whatever the fuck she wants to be. She has the intelligence and the heart. I don't want to see her ruin it. That's why it pisses me off so much when she goes to that fucking pothead Josh's house just to pick up a dime and get high with them. Man, she herself knows that she doesn't fit in with them. She doesn't feel comfortable. I don't know man. If you really love someone, sometimes you just have to learn to let them go and let them trip over their own mistakes.

She obviously took what I said the wrong why. She thinks that I hate her but I don't. I don't hate her at all. I just hate what she does. But not her. I would never ever be able to hate her. She was the first person that taught me how to love and care. I would die for her. I would kill myself if that would set her up for a great future. It was partially my fault for getting so pissed off. I should have been more rational. I know I said a lot of stuff that hurt her. And me of all people should know how she would handle it. But I did it anyways. I don't even know if what I did was wrong or right. But then again, I never cared so much about right and wrong. Let me rephrase. Was that the best action I could have taken? I tried talking to her yesterday. It didn't work. I talked to her before about it. It didn't work. Should I have just kept my mouth shut? No, because I care about her. I don't say shit to other people about them getting high because I don't care about them as much as I care about Priscilla. All of them, could die from weed and I really wouldn't care. I don't know them. It's their life. I don't care. If I kept my mouth shut it would have been like treating her like a stranger. And she's not a stranger. I could not just sit around and watch her fuck up her life, again. What I said to her was written on my Xanga

I'm scared that this will really be the end of our friendship. Over something this stupid. She's starting to block me off. God, I want so badly to block off this pain and chaos within me. But I won't. I refuse to. Then, everything I have been working on would mean nothing. It's time for people to affect me. It's time for me to stand my ground and face my fears full on. Times change. Yes, sadly times do change. I don't want to lose her. I really don't.

I love you Priscilla.

welcome to NuTang
such a sad first entry. I hope your friend comes to realize what a true friend you are.
» dave on 2003-12-18 12:50:20

:D
luvies you Jess
» Sherirella on 2003-12-19 02:19:17

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