I wish i had never started this journal because then maybe i would not have met Steve. There are still so many things i don't know, so many things i want to ask, i still feel like theres no closure. Its wierd, at times i think i'm over it, but at times i'm crying no matter how public the place is.

Thinking back, i was really immature to think that it would work out. But i thought that maybe meeting each other agian, with summer, holidays, and spring break, would bring us together agian. Plus, bryn mawr isn't that far away from cmu. My world was turned over so fast. I was planning, getting things ready for jan. Telling my friends how great he was. Now i'm spending my christmas with my heart in pieces.

Everyday i've been dragging myself around like a shell of a person. I feel dead. I can't stop crying, i can't concentrate on anything else, all i do is lie in bed crying. The thing i'm still really upset about is the timing. Why now, why not earlier, why before christmas, why when i called him, why in just a 5 minute phone call? How did we go from planning to meet each other agian, to this?

I hate harvard, i hate thier dorms, i hate summer school, i hate rain, i hate starbucks, i hate the internet/aim, i hate harvard trees, i hate annenburg, i hate finagle bagle, i hate the coop, i hate the fantasy book store, i hate the T, i hate the movie theater, i hate spiderman 2, i hate renting movies, i hate the porter exchange, i hate little green frogs, i hate music, i hate ipods, i hate japanese food, i hate japanese lanuguage, i hate anime, i hate orange shirts, i hate happiness, i hate life, i hate promises, i hate relationships, i hate getting hurt. But the one person that ties all these things together, i still love.

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