i just woke up from a nap..and brought the clothes in from off the line...simple tasks like that kill me anymore...i'm ready for another nap...i have a feeling i'll write in here a bit more now, being as i have something to talk about other than work....yesterday i was craving an auntie anne's soft pretzle so bad....so i went to the mall just for that :P so i got a glazin' rasin pretzle and a lemonade and went to target....i looked at baby clothes and other stuff, and just...was overwhelmed at the price of some of that stuff....it's expensive, but i know it'll work out.....went to get jim last night...went to bed....woke up this morning...around 9:50 actually...i woulda slept longer but i had a horrible dream...in my dream David, jim's brother brought this girl over that he was friends with..and jim dissappeared..so i went to find him, and i found him in the guest room with the girl on top of him fucking him....i went crazy....i was around 7 months pregnant in the dream so i was showing, and i was a mess....i was really fat and ugly, and this girl had the balls to tell me to go on slimfast..when i'm obviously pregnant..i ripped her off of my fiance and threw her against the wall and progressed on beating her to near death....then i started on jim.....i screamed at him about how i knew he would do this to me, and all this other stuff, and i asked him if he still loved me, and he told me no...so i was left, fiance-less and with a bastard child.....i woke up sweating and crying...i just hope this doesn't mean anything...like my dream around 1 1/2 months ago, where i was pregnant, and now i am pregnant.......i talked to him about it, and he was stunned...he didn't know what to say..i don't know what to say..i don't know where the hell it came from!! maybe it's in my subconsious that i'm afraid he'll leave me now that i'm pregnant...there's so much going through my mind...i'm happy i'm pregnant because i thought my bastard ex fiance ruined my chances at having children because he'd always pinch and punch me in the stomach area...but now...we have a life growing inside of me that we created....it's amazing...and it's making me so fricken emotional...like i was in a weird mood cuz of that dream, but when jim called me on lunch break, i realized i wanted a hug really bad...so i told him i'd come see him for a bit..and he's like...wait until i go to work at the gas station..and i flipped..idk why, but i guess it's my hormones that are making me like this...but i started crying and yelling that he didn't love me and stuff, and then i calmed down...a few minutes later i was happy again and getting dressed to go to the mall again because i wanted another soft pretzle, which i didn't get....i got japanese sesame chicken..which i haven't touched yet....but...i went to target again and priced some stuff...but i went to see him when he got out of work at the store, so we could spend a few minutes together before he had to work for the night...and we ended up getting in a fight because he was being really immature about the whole baby thing...and i just want support...that's all i want, and he's like..well then i'll give you my whole paycheck, and i started crying again and told him that's not what i want, all i want is love and to know that you love this baby as much as i do....so i drove him down to the gas station because he wanted me to put gas in the car anyway..and we sat there at the pump for a few minutes..just talking, and i asked him why he didn't love the baby..and he said he does, he's just so scared...and he told me he'd stop being mean to me if i stop being mean to him...i'm gonna try...it's not a promise with my hormones piling up inside me like they are...i'm gonna be depressed and moody a lot...he's just gonna have to understand that....but before he left the car...he kissed me and my tummy goodbye and told me and my tummy he loves us....that's the stuff i want....is the support, is the love...like last night i was happy because he loved the baby clothes i bought...the look on his face was of total adoration...and i know he loves the baby already, but he's scared just like i am....


all i smell right now is animal piss....i don't know why..the dogs don't pee in the house, but i smell it..and it's making me so nauseous...i'm sick of being nauseous...i know i spelled that wrong and i don't care...haha...i just want another nap..cuz i gotta go to work again tomorrow :( it's so hard to get through one day of work now...i get so tired and i end up peeing around 5-6 times during the day...and i'm gonna have to stop lifting heavy stuff...like cases of water and big bags of dogfood..it can't be good....i think i might go sit outside and get some fresh air or take a small stroll down the road...do something active other than sit here and be sick and watch spongebob...i'm so scared to tell my dad that i'm pregnant....i know he'll be dissappointed...but he wouldn't want me to get rid of my baby either...but...that's all for now i guess....

i'll keep everyone updated on stuff ....and i gotta make my doctors appointment soon...so i can go and get checked, and get my blood taken *ick* i hate bloodwork...i hate needles, but hey..i figure labor's gonna be a hell of a lot worse than a needle being stuck in my hand....that and an epidural...in my spine...owwwww......thank god that's in like 8 months...since i'm probably around 4-5 weeks pregnant, which is a month........wow....already......


anyway...i'm out....thanks for putting up with all of this!!!

and to a certain someone who wrote an entry earlier....thanks for that...it meant a lot to me....


and thanks to stacy:::




i don't see the baller in me...or the computer geek, but okay......or the punk...i'm not punk, but the description fits me...i guessssssssssss

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