watching: spongebob

listening to: spongebob

mood: really really sick and depressed


well..i didn't stay through work today..i couldn't..i almost threw up every time someone came through my line with already made food from the cafe....especially this one loaf of bread..i could smell it...it sent me almost over the edge, so i went and asked the supervisor if i could go home..i stayed for 4 hours...more than i planned.....so i got home around 3ish...i bought a big can of chicken noodle soup, the family size, so i could just reheat what i didn't eat for lunch later tonight if i was hungry....so i heated up the can of soup, ate a bowl of soup and made a cup of raspberry tea...took 4 ibuprofen, and lordy lordy, i can breathe, i can swallow without dying, and i can cough without it hurting so bad....i mean, the soreness is still there, but now, i know....to just buy chicken noodle soup..i mean, my nose isn't stuffy or anything now, it's just runny :( but at least it soothed my sore throat :) so thanks zero_jak for the info on the ibuprofen....it helped a bunches :)


but on to the toughness title thingger....being sick is making me really really depressed...all i want to do is listen to mariah carey's song "one sweet day" look at my senior project at pictures of my mom and i and cry, while holding on to a stuffed animal...i did that for about an hour before i got up and wrote this....okay okay, maybe a half hour..i exaggerated...but it's still really friggin hard...it's been like, 3 years now......why is it still affecting me soo bad??? i mean yeah, i was 15 when she died, and i DID find her dead, and she WAS my bestest friend.....but...still..i'm acting like i did the first few weeks after she died....actually, i barely cried....i was so shocked that it just....made me oblivious to all emotion or pain...so maybe this is just payback for that..idk..but it's really making me mad...all i want is my mommy back...i don't care that i'm 18, 19 in less than 2 months.....i still cry and hold my stuffed elephant my mom gave me when i was a baby and i bawl...i have feelings....i don't care how babyish that makes me sound...i want my mommy...like a 4 year old with a nightmare, i want her back..i wanna be held by her when i'm sick and i want her to make me her food...my renditions of her cooking does not compare to hers....a lot, but not....exact....i just want her back in the house where she belongs...i want my life to be perfect..even thou it's not possible...i mean, maybe if she didn't die, i wouldn't have gotten with the abusive asshole who hated me and my friends and tried to kill me and threatened to kill them....i wouldn't have lost my baby...i probably wouldn't have jim....but i think i could live with that...as horrible as it sounds...i mean, i love my fiance to death...i really really do..but...nobody can compare to my mommy......ever.....i mean, i love jim to death and i won't trade him for anything....but if god came to me right now and said "Christine, you have a choice..you can have your mother back or you can have Jim" and I think I'd pick to have Jim, because I know my mom was suffering so much here on Earth, but it was still to early to take her from me...i mean god..a 15 year old..who just got done her freshman year of high school...with everything ahead of her for a mom to be there for, and she's gone....it's just the fucked up karma of the world i guess....i wasn't a good daughter...i was so bitchy...we had our fights, and i regret every one of them....but i gotta go....i'm crying now....and i'm sick of crying..so i gotta put my mind on somethin else...........later all

i know you miss mom and all but i don't blame ya.. i'd be the same way. i can only imagine what life would be like without my mom.. and i never wanna find that.. i don't think any one is ever ready to loose their mom.. no matter what age they are.. and if u wanna talk abotu it we can you know that.. just like when i talked to you about rma earlier.. and i don't think it sounds mean that you'd pick jim over your mom at all if you had the choice.. if i had to pick between mom and tim.. i'd pick mom over tim. i don't think any one can compare to a mother.. any one.. a mother daughter bond is one of the strongest bonds ever if you ask me! well hunn im out.. i love ya lots my idol.. love always your idolette!
» oXjackielynnXo on 2005-08-09 08:23:33

Yes, it got better (= i hope it doesn't come back, though... & yeah, i wrapped it w/ like the hand thingyy.. idk whats it called lol. Yeah. Shaneen
» ShaShaBoo on 2005-08-10 12:53:15

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