Sunday. 3.13.05 2:53 pm
okay..my past...phew..i just feel like ranting today instead of sleeping...anyhoo...my life was great up to age 15..i had a family, my parents fought, but not that much, and they weren't divorced..but..i had a great childhood, full of memories and good times..pictures too..christmases were great, birthdays were always celebrated, and there was never a softball game my parents never went to...but when i was 15, my life changed drastically..i was quite depressed in may of 2002...and i had this one online friend who i talked to, that told me to join the teen matchmaker at www.teen.matchmaker.com.. and i did...so i could meet local teens in my area..and this one guy, jon, emailed me on there, and he seemd, well..great...and then the day after he emailed me, another guy named chris emailed me, but he comes into play later in my life...and well..jon and i agreed to meet, and i asked my mom, and she said yes, as long as her and dad were there, and we were to meet at the arnot mall...so we met..and he seemed soooo great..he bought me my first rose (other than the ones from my parents) and a gigantic teddy bear....played the perfect gentleman, took me around the mall while my parents sat in the food court waiting for us to get back after the hour they gave us to walk around, and he always had me back before that hour was up..and they'd give us another hour...well...we were in spencers, and i got my first hand hold (since my ''boyfriends'' in younger grades) and then outside of spencers, i got my first kiss...and then, i should have known something was wrong when he couldn't keep his hands off me...he was literally molesting me in public, but i really didn't think anything of it..i kinda liked it..i was 15, never been thru that stuff before...except for when i was little and i was molested by my mom's friend's son..but i'm really not gonna go into that..b/c i can't really remember much, except the one time he tried to do stuff to me, and yeh, nevermind..but back to the jon story...and jon seemed soo perfect..and he'd come over to my house and spend a few hours there...but then one day..my mom fell..it was june 20th, and we were getting ready to go out shopping...and she fell in my room, and bruised her knee pretty bad...so she was unable to move for a few days..b/c her knee hurt so bad...well the morning of june 25th, i woke up early b/c my friend that lived next door called me as planned so we could go swimming...after eating a bagel and watching some tv while on the phone with her, i decided to finally give up at 10:40ish, and wake mom up, b/c she was sleeping later than usual..i figured since she was hurt, she wanted more rest....well i went into her room, and i tried to wake her up, but she didn't wake up, even when i screamed...so i told valerie i had to go, and got dad outta the bathroom..i banged on the door and was like, mom's not waking up...and he had me call 911..and obviously, she had died...she died from a blood clot in her bruised knee traveling in her main artery and blocking her artery to her heart and died..instantly overnight..cardiopulminary arrest...it's an evil set of words....i died that day...i haven't been the same since, but would you really expect me to? my mom and i were tight...tighter than most mom's and daughters...we were all we had when my dad would go down to the church and do his shit down there...that night, i went swimming with val finally, b/c they had me go to take my mind off stuff, and i was floating in the pool, just thinking, looking at the sky and crying, and i could have sworn i saw the outline of an angel in the clouds...it was the shape of a human in a dress, with wings..it looked so real, i asked my one friend that stayed the night with me if she saw it, and she saw it..so...but the day of mom's funeral came around...which was july 8th , 2002..and jon and i had been together for 1 month and 5 days..w.e'd been together since june 3rd btw...and then he went to the funeral with me, played the sympathetic boyfriend...and then when we got back to my house with a group of my friends, b/c i didn't wanna really be alone, so we're all hanging out in my camper we'd camp in as a family, and we were all talking about stuff, and then tj's like, why don't you two do stuff...we'll sit outside and let you know if someone comes..so sure enough...i'm vunerable, my mom just died, and i just went thru her funeral way to young, and i was like, okay...and he took advantage of that and took me...so i lost my virginity on the day of my mom's funeral..it sounds so horrible...it's so wrong, but i try not to blame myself b/c i was so vunerable...but anyway..months and months go by, and he's turning into a really mean guy...he yells at me, hits me, abuses me verbally, calls me fat and stupid, says mean things about my mom, but i stay with him..i get pregnant..unfortunately...but we got in a fight one night, and he hit me with the car..and i miscarried the next day..i was about 2 months pregnant, and i was happy b/c i love babies, but..i never got to experience it...and i hope i do, b/c when he'd abuse me, he'd punch and pinch me in the stomach and right below in my ovaries and stuff....but i'd finally had enough after a year of being together and after about a half year of being engaged to him, and chris came back into the picture...the guy taht emailed me after jon did..so chris and i met on march 24th, and we kissed, and the next day, march 25th 2004, jon left me...he left me with a messy house, and that's about it..( he lived with my dad and i) but...if i didn't let him take my portable dvd player, my camcorder, my car, and my ps2 games, he would have taken my dog..his mom gave me the dog for christmas 2002, and i fell in love with her..that dog is so emotionally attached from me, even when i sleep without her, her heart breaks and she's so happy to see me in the morning....and she starves herself while i'm gone...so i really can't leave for a long time, or else she'd die of heartbreak, but he was going to take her too, and i told him to just take it all, take what he wanted, but let me have baby...so that's why i say she's my everything...and i can't live without her..i love that dog with all my heart.....but back to chris...well we'd get together for about an hour every other week or so, and he'd use me for certain favors, but never sex..until this past summer....but even before we ended up doing stuff, i had a fling with a guy friend around prom time..i even left my prom early b/c we were all going camping that night...and i gave up my prom for him, only to be left in the cold the next day by him dumping me for his ex...i even skipped school for him, which i do admit, was fun..but then around the end of june, i got used again b/c i'mi so fucking stupid and vunerable and was so desperate for men's attention, that things happened between another guy and i, but never sex, until chris got to me one night, and we ended up doing it...and i felt so wrong afterwards...and when school started this year, i found out the new guy in my grade was his best friend, so i asked justin if chris had a girlfriend and justin said yes, and i was like, since when, and it was since november '03....i cried and felt so dirty and disgusting...but my god, after that..i got attached to justin, b/c i thought he was so hot..and we kissed...and then he got attached to my best friend jackie, who took what i said the wrong way, and ended our friendship for about a week by dating the guy i was madly obsessed with, but at the same time as justin, i met jim..and honestly, i had no intentions of dating him...jim and i were like, quick close friends...we were so alike, and we wanted to keep it like that, as just friends...but jim i guess fell deeply in love with me *tee hee* and asked me out on my 18th birthday, october 6th...and i accepted, and i was still in 'love' with justin at the time, but around the end of the month, when the jackie and justin episode went on, i realized what a great guy i had in front of me, willing to give me up, the 'girl of his dreams' just to make me happy, b/c i wanted justin...i ran to jim crying my eyes out, having panic attack after panic attack, over another guy while i was dating jim, and he just helped me thru it, and here we are today, happy as can be, so i'm really glad jackie did that to me..i actually thank her now instead of calling her a slut and telling her to die...so..but i've had a crappy life..and i'm not doing this to get sympathy, but i just felt like being whiney and whining about my life and how it sucked..but i'm truely happy now...well, not fully..b/c obviously my dad's never home, like right now..i'm alone..as usual..but anyway..things have gotten a lot better..i've pulled my grades up from when i was with jon....i used to fail everything...and now i'm back to my a's and b's...and i've lost tons of weight, b/c i was so depressed i'd always eat, and all jon ate was mcdonalds and shit anyway....but i'm really happy with jim..he's like, a vision...he's everything i've wanted in a man...and more..i love him to death...and ...he's just the perfect man for me...i love him with all my heart...and i will till the day i die..i consider him my first love now....because my supposed first love was a fat abusive son of a bitch...and jim..jim's just....god in my eyes..i love him so much that i can barely describe it....but i'm done for now..laundry's done, and i started this at 2:53 pm, and it's now 3:22, so i'm tired of typing..plus jim's home from work , and i wanna talk to my baby boy...i love him...
thanks for listening as i complained...
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» Kendall (60.217.232.87) on 2010-09-04 06:06:56
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