However, things didn't go quite as planned. Firstly, my parents were planning this little getaway. Obviously, you haven't lived with my parents before (Trust me, you don't want to). I had no idea what those money saving SOBs would do, so I wasn't expecting much.

Monday, T minus 216 min till disaster:

I slowly force my heavy eyelids open to read 2:45 AM (Vacation Rule 1: Travel early, it's cheap and fast!). Normally, I would shudder to think of even turning around in bed that early, but this was Cancun! I would do anything to get away from this cold bitch of NJ. I look out my window and is if mother nature was giving me the finger, there was a thick blanket of snow covering the ground. What the hell is up with this? The only day that we leave for a warmer destination, a lump of snow is dropped on Basking Ridge. Shaking my head silently, I knew that I wouldn't let a few inches of powder stop me from relaxing on the beach, no way.

Monday, H Hour

The snails pace journey to the airport seemed never to end as we floored it to Newark International (going about 20 mph). But forever is never as long as it seems. We arrive at Newark International on time and are delighted to find that the check-in counter is free of lines (This is why you travel early). Handling the technicalities were a breeze and we were at the gate before I could even fully wake up. Unfortunately, that was where the good luck ended and the "gaycation" began.

Flight delayed

More delaying

Hey it's moving... wait, it's just going somewhere else to get delayed some more

About three hours later, we finally get de-iced and take off.

Tuesday, the gaycation continues: The Tour from Hell 1

Violating any remaining laws of a relaxing vacation, I am coerced into getting up at 7:20 AM and forced on a tour bus (Vacation Rule 2: Fuck the Tours). The goldenrod bus sports a cheesy vacation catch phrase with curved lines failing miserably to make it any more enticing. The bus drops us off at a pier and we head over to Isla Mujeres, the Island of the Women! Yes, the island of the women. When we arrived, I half expected to see naked women walking the beaches as if the were zebras roaming the African Sahel. Much to my disappointment (and I'm sure all of the men around the world's) there would be no such thing. The island itself was somewhat enjoyable. We stayed near the beach and received free drinks, including some spiked watermelon smoothies.

Later on we head to another part of the island to shop. Yay shopping! I sure was ready to whip out my fantastic plastic and swipe it till it caught fire, but my parents weren't. Instead of shopping, we sat on the pier, doing absolutely nothing. Yea, no sarcasm there. Gay

Wendnesday, Tour from Hell 2:

Xcaret, it's such a seductive name. The X makes it sound so eXotic and the brochures look amazing. Like many people visiting Cancun, we were seduced by Xcaret (Vacation Rule 3: Never go somewhere that has an X in its name). The first activity was... swimming in a river of urine! The "underground" river was supposedly a mixture of fresh and salt water, but I have a funny feeling it was just fresh with a crapload of pee. Next, we walked around and... did nothing. Apparently the only attraction included in the gate fee was the Urine River. Sure, we could swim with dolphins, or go scuba diving, but those things cost money!

The later part of the day was spent watching a Mexican/Mayan heritage presentation. Being in Mexico and all, I do have respect for the Mexicans and any other culture for that matter, but I was already distracted by the idea of going to the "Salida" (Look it up) to really care about Mexican heritage. I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and rest goddammit! Gay squared

Thursday, Tour From Hell 0371202397452075023948157096

This was by far the worst day of my short existence. I mean, who in hell would find climbing a steep-ass pyramid that might topple any second appealing? Hey, my parents would! Chitchen Itza it's called (Or how ever you spell it), but i prefer to call it... "The dominate pit of hell where all gayness and all things stupid, boring, and lifeless gathers to annoy the fuck out of some oblivious tourist." The tour bus ride is hell itself. We spent a whopping 6 hours going there and back (more time than we actually spent looking at the pyramids). But the bus was actually air conditioned. Chitchen Itza was basically a barren dirt field dotted with crumbling rocks arranged in a particular manner. I could see a friggin miniture model of that in my backyard (If I had a backyard), I don't want to waste thousands of dollars to fly down to Cancun to see it enlarged! Adding to the ever growing pyramid of gayness is my three year old brother who whines every other minute, complaining about being tired, thirsty, hungry, or being put in this southern hell. Gay to the third

Friday, Leaving Hell, hope you had a wonderful time!

All in all, this vacation has put more stress on me than studying for the SATs, the GEPAs, and the Bar Exam combined. Let this be warning to all who seek the Mexican paradise.

Chenman

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.