I was going to put a password on this, but fuck it. No one knows this is tied to me and the one person I would have kept this hidden from isn't going to read it anyway. So fuck it.

It's kinda funny how things change over the years. Your perspective of things change. You learn from past experiences and you change your perspective when seemingly the same thing happens to you twice. Or three or four or more times. You begin to question why you keep letting the same thing happen to you; because it hurts just the same, every single time. But you know, from pure experience, that you're going to be okay. Eventually. The timeline is different each time, but it still happens. And it always happens when you aren't paying attention.

Your first time, you swear it'll never happen again. You're never going to get yourself involved in this again because it hurts too much and you know, for a fact, that you're never going to feel this way again. It just hurts too much. How are you going to move on?

The second time, you know that you aren't going react exactly the same way as the first time, or maybe you are, but this time is different. This time, somehow, hurts worse than the first time because you never thought it would happen to you again. You never expected it to happen to you again. You didn't want to have to go through this again. But here you are, suffering through it all over again.

You swear to yourself that you'll be okay, with time, no matter how long it takes. And you know for a fact that it'll happen again. But you know better this time. You are going to let it happen on your time, when you're ready. You're not going to let it take you by surprise. No, no. You know better. When you're ready, it'll happen.

Except that's never how it works. And so here you are, back in the same situation. You're elated and feeling wonderful because it came out of nowhere and it's perfect. You begin to grow weary, but no, this time is different. Until you realize, all too late, that it's gone too far and it's happened all over again. And this time hurts; just as much as the last time. And the time before that. Except it's different. Every single time.

Again, you know that you'll be okay. Eventually. And you are now fully aware of just how out of nowhere this can happen, but you swear to yourself you're going to hide until you know you're ready. 6 months. No, 12 months. A solid 12 months before you're willing to allow yourself to feel ready.

But you know. A timeline means nothing when you find someone who makes you stop in your tracks and question why you're waiting. Even if love isn't the exact word to describe what you're feeling, and even if it is, you know. Love knows no bounds.

And so here you sit, reeling from the most recent loss in your life, knowing that you'll get through this one, just like every other one, another gaping wound added to the rest that have long since scarred over. It's beginning to look like a mangled mess, but you still know what lies beneath.

Six months from now, we'll revisit this and reflect to see what progress has been made, if any. Then twelve months and so on and so forth.

You'd like to believe that one day you'll realize it's stopped. But only when it's happened will you truly believe.

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.