Curse my stupid hands! I can help no one! -sighs- My friends have been hurting and I've been too wrapped up in myself! It took a brutal slap in the face reality check by Siro to make me notice! -sighs- Curse my hands.. I can't help people escape their miserable Fates, I can not hold out a hand and wipe away their tears, I can not make them smile nor laugh, I can do nothing! I am so... Weak!!!

ind3c3nt3xposure: Bright colors scare me >_M
ind3c3nt3xposure: Eep!!!
ind3c3nt3xposure: ^ >_<
Garydwnlds: Lately, Everything around me's been dark
Garydwnlds: The only bright and cheery thing in my room is the inuyasha wallscroll i picked up on saturday
ind3c3nt3xposure: -smiles- I'm glad something is cheery ^_^
Garydwnlds: Even the hellsing wallscroll dosn't seem cheery
Garydwnlds: Just downright insane and psychotic
Garydwnlds: life's hard, ne?
Garydwnlds: Never thought it could be this hard though... my hair even matches my damned mood...
Garydwnlds: I should have stayed away from even entertaining the thought of entering a relationship...
ind3c3nt3xposure: -slaps him-
ind3c3nt3xposure: Would you STOP feeling sorry for yourself! Geez, damnit
ind3c3nt3xposure: You have life! And that's better then many people! You have freedom and peace!
ind3c3nt3xposure: And if you keep acting like this, I can name two people who deserve life more then you do!
Garydwnlds: Freedom? Peace?
Garydwnlds: Laughable concepts
ind3c3nt3xposure: Well, then I'm laughable!
ind3c3nt3xposure: because I believe in them!
Garydwnlds: I don't mean the concepts themselves
Garydwnlds: I mean the concepts when applied to me
ind3c3nt3xposure: You ARE feeling sorry for yourself!
ind3c3nt3xposure: That's pathetic
Garydwnlds: I've become so noticeable of my constraints, lost all sense of self peace, or peace of any kind
ind3c3nt3xposure: And damnit, you are down right pathetic right now!
Garydwnlds: It's gone to the point where I thrive on violent things...
ind3c3nt3xposure: You are an amazing work of science! You managed to stand upright without a backbone!
Garydwnlds: Thank you
Garydwnlds: I've been trampled over my whole life, so, this is nothing new
ind3c3nt3xposure: Well, if you want it to stop, why don't you fucking stand up for yourself?!
Garydwnlds: I did at one point
Garydwnlds: And I met you
Garydwnlds: Now look what's happened
ind3c3nt3xposure: Yep
ind3c3nt3xposure: You turned out just like me
ind3c3nt3xposure: and it's nauseating!
Garydwnlds: No...
Garydwnlds: A funny thing is, I don't feel sorry for myself anymore
Garydwnlds: I look back on myself objectivly without emotion
ind3c3nt3xposure: Talk to me when you have grown up

Now I'm even taking out my uselessness on my friends! It's so FRUSTRATING! I wish I could just die some times! It's not fair! I am human, I am on Earth to help people! All I can do is wrap myself in my own stupidity, shield my eyes from things I don't want to see, and weep when I am hurt lightly! I do not deserve this life! What is wrong with the world that I might live and people who deserve it can not live because of stupid sickness, death and depression! I am so worthless! I try to help, but it's never enough!

I can not stop Death, I let Faye die.

I can not end depression, I hung up on Amanda.

I can not wipe away those precious tears, I let Kyle down.

SO WHY AM I HERE!? Is there a purpose to my existance!? WHY DO THE GOOD DIE YOUNGEST?!?! Why can't I just DIE and rid this world of my ignorant, selfish waste of air! Why am I so WEAK!?!?!?! Why can I do nothing.. Why can't I help anyone.. Why do I let them all down.. I make myself sick..

Why didn't you all do the damn world a favor and drown me at my baptism! That'd probably the most Christian thing done in a LONG time!


Nauseating...

AngelOfHell0: Baby, baby, baby, you're only human, it's okay... Shh, calm down. Humans are weak by nature, that is just how we are.. You can not help it, it's not your fault. You just keep living and try and do what you can


If humans are weak, I will give up my humanity gladly!!! I want to help people! AND ALL I'VE DONE SO FAR IS PISS THEM OFF! Why.. I am so pathetic... Curse my useless hands...Curse my hands for shaking when I held that gun.


Curse my hands for I am WEAK!

I truly adore one guy.. -sighs- but he lives too far away and he notices not my existance.. why would Michael want a weak girl anyway?


So disgusting.. I wish I could have a new life..

hope you get this. If not... haven't thought that far ahead.
*breathes in deeply prepared to rant.* Just hear me out k? Hmm... well to often do I find my words to suck the energy dry of most several people so I'll try to keep it short; though, I don't know much of what to say. Someone needs to break the silence, for often it is to hard for one to deal without noise. Humans are ignorant; god himself realized his ignorance when he made us, or so the bible stated. I'm sorry I'm not a church goer, but undoubtfully you are feeling, or were feeling used. I've not lived your life your felt you dillemas, so I probably wouldn't understand, but I'm always here to break the silence. I don't know if I've told you before, but I think the mind resists thoughts of loneliness. That is the mortal downfall. It's like traveling with your eyes plucked; searching for the outside world. I'm beginning to think there is a such thing as fate... I don't know I've felt it; I've lived it. It sounds stupid, but I have stories. I still think god is an ass, and I'll probably still blame my parents for bringing me here, but that is no excuse to shove responsabiltiy upon others. I want you to know that every time you've listened to me, its been fun, and I thank you. No one should have to deal with hearing me rant aimlessly or bitch about things that can't be helped. >.< but you have. You may not understand, but you try. I think that is as close to true clarity as one can get, trying to understand the people around you. It's not like you have to like them, but in watching other people you can learn a lot more about your own actions. and umm about this Gary Downalds? He is just another ignorant mortal trying to lay his load of burdens upon your already weighted soul. He obviously has had some hardships in his past, but he should have grown stronger from them right? He's going to lose himself, he'll only become as cold and worthless as the things he despises most, just another shitload of human excriment to add to the shopping cart right? He cares not of your well being; though I'm sure you know this. In fact He is probably just thinking with his dick. I often wonder if my conterparts have a brain. As for you... You really don't give yourself enough credit. You are a great person, people just aren't smart enough to see through the brambles. Your feeling, your purpose, your heart, lies deep within, but it can be taken from you... I learned that the hard way. Someone just needs to dig deep enough to find it. I just want you to know I believe in you. ^.^ Whatever purpose that served. I don't even know if it helps, words lie all to often. Pain and action, they can't lie. That leaves me at a loss doesn't it. q.p I don't really think I have a hope for the future, but I think I can duke it out. I've given up on testostrone. Dealing with genitals is so lame and deceiving, besides, I'm sick of seeing more people. The cycles I've lived through are lame and repetive, like a broken record that no one cared to fix, or an elden photo that remains pasted in the back of so many young minds. An ideal placed at childhood, only to be torn by it's creator. I know that life is crap, just trust me please, but something is unfolding that is all to ironic. It starts with the shadows then unfolds itself upon you like a map. We are all to young. I don't think we'll ever be contented and I don't think there is an end. I think it is a oneway ticket downhill. Possibly, it is a test... one few would surpass as to escape the grasps of there own hunger and wants. Your a victim, I'm a victim, and this other dude is definately one. I myself have tried to stop with my hunger, tried to pull in my emotion to the point I could no longer feel the things around me, but I didn't escape. They manifested and tried to kill me in my sleep. I was just strong enough to escape it's chilly grasp, but I fear it grows stronger within me. It suck when every morning you look across the bedroom and the first thing you see is your own reflection peering at you from the other side of an unseen wall. Like another you is there, one you can't control. I don't like myself or people much, but I think I might care for them... I don't know. I'm a reject, but I think I can deal with the suffering, so long as I can be here for others... I'm nothing really... Maybe... I could be the next Jesus; though cold and bitter, had he existed he must have went through this sort of thing. I don't think I'm strong enough. Heh... my limbs can't even withstand the bearings of the world. I'm a fool yes, Maybe he was to... Like Odin he was a fool. Heheh... Yes, we probably aren't strong enough, but I don't have to think that, you don't have to think that. A phoenix lies within... A phoenix lies within... A phoenix lies within... The flow is strong, but I can fight. I will grow with my suffering, and become strong. Maybe I will find a cure. Maybe we can bend beyond fate? Finally be free to take flight upon the things I once cherished. Or rot forever in oblivion, forever uncontented, but free of feeling. God I'm a fucking depressing... *ranting pershed* I'm happy I could know you, maybe there was a reason you were to afraid to pull the trigger? Just let me know if YOU have something to bitch about. ^.^ I hope to see you in hell, I think your very presence may raise the dead. It won't be able to contain us one day... though I hope to see you sooner. Your truly: King of randomness. *Moment of clarity perished* What was I talking about again? 0.o
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