I’ve been feeling rather paranoid lately...even more so than I usually do at any rate. I've been seeing Zookeeper henchmen everywhere I look. Behind lamp posts, up in trees, in the toilet cubicle next to mine (I took a peek, just in case)...you get it. To give you an idea of what sort of people these henchmen are, they’re the sort who wouldn’t think twice about sticking zebras in a huge meat grinder just so they can sell ‘em off as Exotic Meat Sausages. Add evilknievel, car-crashing, tree-killing buttmonkeys to that, and you’ve got one very jumpy zebra. I’ve barely any stripes left, most of the black bits went white with fright long ago.

So I thought I’d leave instructions for Things to Do in the Event of My Death. I’d planned them out some time ago, but it’s always good to have a copy lying around for someone to carry them out. Anyhoo, here they are.

1. Locate and capture alive the sadistic animal-haters who had me chopped and minced to death.
2. Prepare eight pieces of rib-eye steak.
3. Combine ½ cup soy sauce, ¼ cup red wine, 2 cloves garlic (crushed), 2 tsp grated green ginger, 2 tbsp brown sugar and 1 tbsp barbecue sauce.
4. Pour mixture over steaks and marinate several hours.
5. Take steaks and rub vigorously over bodies of sadistic animal-haters.
6. Stuff remaining pieces into body orifices of sadistic animal-haters, the further in the better.
7. Gain access to cage filled with hungry grizzly bears.
8. Serve while still alive and wriggling.

Note: Serves 3 adult hungry grizzly bears.

In the event that I am not ground to sausage bits but rather left to die a painful miserable death, leaving behind a relatively intact carcass, here’s my list of Things to Do with My Carcass.

1. Cremate it.
2. Invite as many people as possible to a funeral and later, an elaborate lunch gathering with a bland soup starter for friends, foes and family.
3. Take ashes of one Dead Zebra (that’s me) and empty into randomly selected salt and pepper shakers.
4. Set S&P shakers on tables.
5. Have a quiet chuckle every time someone mentions how much he/she misses Dead Zebra and how he/she wishes DZ could still be with him/her.

Categories: Misc [t]

yikes!
I'll print out a hardcopy of your instructions. a quick question: if I promise to carry out your plans after death, do you leave me anything in your will?
—dave on 2003-11-05 12:07:54

you wound me
Of course I would! I've already contacted my lawyer. Carry out my instructions to a t and you'll win a grand prize of a bright yellow bmx bike (specially modified to accomodate an extra bouncy seat, a handy-dandy purple basket in front and a 15-foot length of chain to secure it properly to the nearest lamppost)!
—theZEBRA on 2003-11-08 06:18:39

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