I'm back.


Unfortunately...

I haven't written for lack of inspiration.
Also because of my fear of the truth seeping onto here.
It all becomes far more solid and less vague when it's in the written word.

My dreams have stopped.
It came abruptly. The last dream being a very sexual dream in which I turned her away, she stopped and asked why, and I responded with, "because you left me."
Then a few nights after that I had another dream which was mostly concerning my mom. But there came a point in which we were at some sort of party that my mom was having. And there, sitting on a couch was she. My mom offered her red wine with a smile. She declined it. She seemed sad. Very sad. She never looked up at either me or my mom.

That's about the last I've trully seen of her. Or in those kinds of dreams in any case. She's made a camio here and there, but it doesn't feel the same, at all.



I appreciate and thank all of you who had my mom in their thoughts and prayers.

The surgery did NOT go as expected.

The plan was to go inside, take out about half of her liver, close back up, and hope that that would remove the whole liver cancer ordeal. The liver would have grown back in time and every wrong would have been righted. Or so it seemed.
The procedure was a difficult one. And there was a 4% chance of death. To translate that percentage it: 4% = 4/100 = 1/25 = One out of twenty five patients die during this surgery.

The surgery was supposed to last 4 hours. At 2 and a half hours they called my father and I to meet with the doctor and that my mom had come out of surgery. This meant good and bad news. It was clear. The good was that she was out and alive. The bad was that obviously something had happened in those 2 and a half hours that was unexpected.
The doctor, who looked very down and frustrated sat us down. She said that things didn't go as she planned. We were expecting a small tumor on the right hand side of the liver the size of fingernail. When they opened up they looked around and to make sure took a sonagram of the liver directly. The tumor that was supposed to be the size of a fingernail was instead the size of a large walnut. It rests on an artery that goes to the heart. Also, there were two smaller tumors the size of a fingernail spread out in the center of the liver. And the last tumor they found was the size of her fist. And she's not a small woman. It was hidden behind the liver and under the diaphragm, which is very close to her liver, and behind a clip that was placed there in a previous surgery which hid the side of the tumor on previous scans they had done.
There was nothing she could do.
That was basically the whole liver taken over by cancer.
My dad was fighting back tears.
I've only seen my father cry twice.
So, the doctors had closed her up and told us to let her rest for about a month.
She wasn't allowed to do nearly anything.
No driving. No lifting of heavy objects (anything over a gallon). No bending over.

Now, we're back home.
The day after I came back home I started work. From 7:30 to about 4:30. I have to wake up at 5:45 to have time to get ready and get to work on time.
I've had more to do than usual, but it's gotta be done.

We're going to see if she can take brand spankin' new drugs and chemo or even experimental drugs. I mean, what else is there to do? She's also trying these plants from Mexico that supposedly have helped out alot of other people. The doctor said that she probably wasn't going to get cured anymore. That it probably would spread. But doctors have been wrong before right?





My dad did ask one more thing.
Something that I've only shared with one person.
I don't even know if my mom knows this...
"Exactly... I mean,... How... What is her life expectancy?"
The doctor shrugged. She said she wasn't sure.
"A year and a half maybe? Two years?" she responded, "It varies from person to person."






My life is a mess. I'm not content with it, with my life that is. By any means.

But what else can you do?














Oh and I got a skateboard. Weird.

There isn't much I can say to provide solice because I do not know what you're going through, and I can't even pretend.. with that said(or written), your family is in my prayers.

And I'm not going to poke fun at the skateboard side note, either.
» Dilated on 2007-06-28 10:46:14

I am very sorry to hear it did not go as expected and that it came with even more troubling and horrible news. Chin up though, God does not give you more then you can handle. I've learned that through personal experience. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
» Katrina on 2007-07-01 05:59:43

I'm really sorry to hear that. But doctors have been wrong plenty of times. And cancers weird. Sometimes when you think its at its worse you find some kind of break though. Doctors told my uncle he would most likely never have children after he had testicular cancer and they removed one testicle, since then he has also had one lung removed and other little parts and had a kid at like 40 with a 40 yr old woman. Medical Miracles seem to be all around and all that you can do is try to be strong and be there for her as much as possible.
» lyndeep on 2007-07-05 01:21:46

Good luck, E.
Cancer is hideous.
It makes me wonder-

Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

» Zanzibar on 2007-07-08 11:37:37

Hello Elessar!!! Welcome back. I have been gone for a bit too.
» KKama67 on 2007-07-10 09:41:23

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.