I have been so unhappy these few weeks. I have been analyzing a lot about the relationship I have with Baby. Because of this, I have been acting like a baby and a bitch to Baby. I have been throwing tantrums at him a numerous times but some how he just took them all and tried his best to make me happy.

I hate myself for behaving like that and I know exactly what makes me bahaving like that. I have a few issues to settle before I continue the relationship. And since I know the issues are about me, I feel that I shouldn't drag him along in my moody mood. At some point, I really didn't feel like seeing him or talking to him anymore. So I keep my silence whenever he asks what's bothering me.

But sooner or later, I feel like losing Baby as my best friend. I used to share my problems with him and finally I broke down and told him my problems.

The main issue that I have to deal with myself is that I can't seem to forget about the time he used to share with his ex. I know she's still in love with him and still keeps constant touch with him. Once, I saw her MSN him and the moment I turned my eyes on the monitor, he minimized the screen. When I finally asked him about it, he just told me that she was just telling him a lot of stuff and her own personal problems to him. I asked him about what's her problems? Then he refused to tell me. He just brushed me off by saying she told him a lot of stuff and he coudn't remember. Even then I was crying and keep asking, he just refused to tell me. What did that mean?

Imagine how I felt that moment. Someone you love refusing to be honest with you. I really don't know if I can trust him anymore. Maybe I am still worried that they might get back together but if they really meant to be and as long as Baby is happy, I really don't care who he ends up if. But I really have no idea why am I behaving in a ridiculous matter. I feel like I want to control him. I feel like I want to know who he is really going out with when he says he's meeting friends. And everytime he sms someone, my thought will automatically think if he's sms-ing her because she's telling him her problems again.

I told Baby about all this and he looked really sad because I am upset about all this. He keeps asking about what I want him to do and what he can do to make me feel better. I feel like telling him to cut all the string with his ex, but this is a really selfish thought. And I know this is the exact issue I need to deal with and no one can help me about it. At the end, I didn't tell him that and told him that there's nothing much he can do for me.

I think I am really going out of my mind thinking about all this. A few times, I feel like aksing a break from him but I really can't stand a day without seeing or hearing his voice. But the thought about him keeping in touch with his ex is really torturing me.

Although he has assured me that she hardly keeps in touch with him anymore, but it doesn't seem convincing enough. Most of his own friends are pretty close to his ex. So whenever, there's a gathering with them , I am pretty sure she will be there too.

Maybe this is karma working its way on me. After all, I was the boyfriend snatcher. I really missed the old time where I shared all my problems with him and didn't think of possessing him as my own. I really feel like losing him as my best friend. And my other friends too because sometimes I choose to spend some time with him alone and friends do feel that I do not spend much time with them. I am really stuck in the middle, trying to find a balance between Baby and my friends.

God, please give me strength to get through this. I can handle all these and solve my issues, can I?

And I really hate myself now.

what a complex issue. wish u luck in solving the problem.
» renaye on 2007-10-25 09:04:20

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