Written by Folk Story

Years ago in days of old when magic filled the air, there existed a baboon sage named Hapahikizaoya. Few knew why he was considered a sage, and even less had ever seen his sage certification. Yet, his fortitude with the subject implied he was a true sage. One day, Hapahikizaoya decided to try to abate these sickening challenges to his career. He climbed to the now-famous peak of Mount Mugoobushi and sat in grave contemplation of this most important matter. He realized that through his life, he had not become a prolific figure as most sages are. He had not produced inspiring works of art. He had not discovered anything remotely shiny. More importantly, he had not even invented a new variation of agave sandwiches. As a matter of fact, there was not one incident in his life that would abet his reputation as a sage.

He proceeded down the narrow paths of Mount Mugoobushi and into the fallow plains to the north. The empty fields made Hapahikizaoya ponder the ancient civilization of Cocoa Monkeys and their incessant, perfunctory cultivation of the cocoa beans. He recalled the days of older, which were only spoken of in folk tales like this, when the fields were covered in mountains and valleys of cocoa beans and formed the quintessence of the peace and unity of cocoa itself. Suddenly, a random thought struck him in a blaze of glory. His ardent expression was so passionate and fiery that it nearly singed his eyebrows. For a moment, he wished that his eyebrows would indeed be burned off because of the assiduous eyebrow lice he had accumulated in his days. Upon sensing Hapahikizaoya’s rancor for them, the eyebrow lice capered about, laughing with glee and singing old show tunes. Hapahikizaoya’s Achilles’ heel was the singing of old show tunes with south-eastern European accents. The fact that the lice were native to Bulgaria only served to augment the pain and suffering of Hapahikizaoya. He crept with a languid pace over the terrain, gradually getting closer and closer to the middle of nowhere.

Finally, in a desperate attempt to reason with the lice, he asked them to sing something other than show tunes. They replied in unison, “Well, there’s no need to be so gauche and condescending to us; We just do what it is that we enjoy best, you filthy baboon.” Observing their apparently defiant nature, Hapahikizaoya devised a plan to trick them. “Well then, my friends, sing more show tunes! I love show tunes more than strife itself!” Suddenly, acting in their predicted recalcitrant manner, they all decided to create disturbance elsewhere; namely, the eyebrows of a nearby zebra. This was the enlightenment Hapahikizaoya had searched for! From that day on, Hapahikizaoya lived his life as the baboon sage who invented not only a way to get rid of eyebrow lice, but a way to provide a nuisance to at least one zebra.

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