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the beginning (a simple seed) ~the classic crime
i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table, it will be locked
til i get home

i'm growing feeble and tired of the world
tired of constantly missing my girl
and i long to smell the sea

the sea...
the sea-yeah

i miss the Pacific Ocean
and the northwestern air
and run each of my fingers
through the strands of her hair

ive been over this country lately
but i've been nowhere it seems, nowhere

but ive found the cure to my landlocked blues
its coming home to you

you

if a simple seed
gets just what it needs
then a redwood tree can grow
up to a hundred feet
and endure the sleet and the snow

but if my whole life
was wrapped and priced
i wonder what the tag would show
cuz everytime im close to the holy ghost
i let her go

i let her go...

i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table
it will be locked, til i get home
calendario


May 2021

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quotes i'd like to save...
-=How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd=- ~Alexander Pope

-=ur the sunshine after the rain, the tylenol to my pain=-~me

-='I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry=- ~ W.H. Auden

-=live ur life, make ur heaven=- ~me reflecting upon stuff i learned at yfc

-=life isnt measured by the breaths u take, but moreso the number of breaths u take away=-~meggyo's profile
what spanish teacher did we have in common?
Friday. 3.10.06 11:48 pm
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password=taste of white chocolate ice cream
Friday. 3.10.06 10:21:20 am
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the password is the bug i look like
Wednesday. 3.8.06 11:07:11 pm
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the essence that is me...as of this moment
Thursday. 2.9.06 1:20:26 am
i cant sleep. im incapable of it. it eludes me like that first day of spring...everyone just kinda...waiting for it to happen, only to be struck with a cold wintery wind in your face. whats keeping me up? just me. im so stressed about what exactly im going to do about next year. my uncle joel's words when he actually called me out to talk to him. n he said...'think a thousand times before you make a decision'...and here i am. losing sleep, because i want to make sure i dont make a dumb decision. im not blaming him. and its just a good thing that i think things through. its just dificult. the real world indeed.....i guess thats what im attempting to do here. just to sort things out. so the situation is... new dorms are being built for next year so the prices are outrageous. but regardless, i want to finish my undergraduate classes here at slippery rock. so. this means i have to live somewhere near campus. heirgo-.. an apartment. so i've established a group of 3 guys i can live with. its just a matter of money. not that its a light matter. i mean damn. it is what it is.for this apartment...per month...its 725 for rent with water/heat included, like..70 per month for electricity...and say like 20 for cable-internet. so thats all pretty much solid. 1115 bucks for a roof over 4 guys' heads. that 1115 split four ways....is 278. so thats 278 per month for each guy. after that...the numbers are a lil more blurry as of this moment. food, and tuition are the big toss ups. if a meal here at slippery rock costs at an exaggerated absolute TOPS of 7 bucks per meal, and i turned a takeout meal into leftovers for later OR ate one huge meal at school everyday...7 meals a week(49 meals/week)....15 weeks in a semester...so thats 735 for a whole semester (at an exaggerated high).....plus like..maybe 15 bucks per week of random drinks from the grocery store? or drink concentrates? so that 735 would be tacked directly onto the tuition thing which is pretty much monthly as well....so..the monumental university caliber tuition cost.i'm hoping with my loan(s) i wont have too much to pay for tuition during the year. so

per SEMESTER -->i think... $5000 [it could possibly be closer to $3500 i'll get back to this] (75 meals a semester+ 15 credits worth of tuition)

so

per month...
$1000 (or maybe just ) for tuition for 4 months.
$278 for apartment for
$80 for car gas(at $20 a week which i definitely dont use as of this moment but just to overshoot for a sure bet).
$60 for random sustenance and


a grand total of...

$1418[or $1153] per month. starting august.

with about $1100 to my name right now. at the end of the year i'll at the very very least have something like $1700. and then....i save up during the summer. all throughout. if i worked at AMS...for like $8/hr....working 24 hours a week....thats 192....minus tax...say 150 a week...600 a month. but if i work at UPS like i told niki i would, itd be something like 20 hours a week, at about 8.50. i'm leaning toward ups at night cuz i obviously wouldnt have to wake up early, but it would kinda suck having to spend my friday evenings at work, but theres still every other day. SO. $8.50 times 20 hours a week is like..170..minus tax...it'd be close. say 140 a week...560 a month at ups. SO.....say i worked half of may, all of june and july, and then half of august. so all in all....3 months.so thats $1680 made over the summer...


so if i make $1680 over the summer. but say i spend like...$20 per week on gas...and HELL, a $10 movie every other week...thats like...$100 a month. so take that $100/month over the 3 months of what i make....so $1380 to into the bank plus what i'll have at the end of this school year...which all would add up to 3080. so starting the year...in this scenario, i'd be armed with $3080 before any school/apartment bills hit me...so...with 3080..the first month hits...i go right down to $1662......within the next month say i worked at the bookstore again.....scrounged up $200..so i go up to 1882...another month hits...down to 464....add another 200 from work....up to 664....and im fucked as of month 3 in this scenario.


*sigh* well im looking over the numbers...and i looked up the out-of-state-undergrad tuition credits...and it says its like 6817 a year for 15 credits each sem... so that means each semester is 3408. 3408+579 for my meal plan would be like...close to 4000 a semester. then if you subtract the out of state tuition reduction...it makes it so i only have closer to 2000 to pay per semester....and if thats the case...the monthly payment for tuition would be a lot closer to like...$500 as opposed to $1000..so like $918 a month for EVERYTHING if that were the case.
so...in that case scenario..

still armed with 3080 at the beginning...


[only making 200 per month at the bookstore type deal]
after month one- 2162
after month two- 1444
after month three- 726
after month four [last payment of tuition for the semester]- FUCKED


so in actuality....i need to be making more money during the school year. e.g.....working at the fluh at some point. which would be good cuz its a free meal...200 a month at the bookstore is a pretty mild under-estimation as well...plus i should be getting a raise at the bookstore before the school year lets out...i dont know if i can work anymore than 5 nights a week over the summer though....so anyway.i still have to look into rocktalk and/or give residence life er somebody a call about what my payments are gonna look like next year for tuition...i think this is enough planning for tonight...gosh damn its 4:44am. i'm pretty much just not going to go to sleep i think. just eat a lil bit...now...maybe even study, although that in itself may put me to sleep. haha, ehhh.....cuz if i go to sleep now i'll never wake up for my first 2 classes. breakfast and all my classes tomorrow. cross your fingers and pray for me everyone...good night




part 2:

11:19am...still no sleep.

but im looking at rock talk...so.

6,133.00 15 credits tuition
579 my 75 block meal plan
104
25
128
245 just completely off the wall fees like
25 'general service fee'
87
94

all that adds up to 7420....for one semester. subtract $4203 for my tuition reduction/guaranteed loan...and it comes out to..3217 per semester for tuition and food. so divy'd up into 4 monthly payments....thats $804. not just a maybe, a pretty solid sure $804.



so using the above calculations with the substituion of 804 instead of 1000 a month for tuition...

the total comes up to $1222 a month in this scenario....but i've come up with another idea. if i work at boozel....would i even need a meal plan at ALL? i dont think i would. so i can just cut that 579 dollar meal plan right out. so the tuition bill would look like $6841-$4203 from loans..= $2638 for the whole semester coming outta my pocket. so that 2638 divided into 4 monthly payments would be $660 each.

so instead of $1222 itd be....

$1078 dollars per month to survive.
so lets run this scenario...

still armed with 3080 at the beginning of the school year...

[only making 250 per month at the bookstore/boozel type deal]
after month one- 2252
after month two- 806
after month three- 256
after month four [last payment of tuition for the semester]-
starting at month 5[without tuition to pay for]....

the above calculations was with the different pay plan for the apartment rent...

i hate to say this..but...i dont see a way to make it work like this. but i am coming up with a different idea...an idea i kinda hate to say too:

what if i didnt go to school in the fall. but lived in the apartments. aquired the in state tuition status, while saving up to make the payments pretty easy. i'm gonna see what i hafta do to qualify as in state. but if i can...itd be sweet...i'd just pay the rent...save money...spring semester comes around and BAM. it'll be smooth sailing...hopefully. haha......but yeah...if theres a will theres a way.


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giving thanks to thanksgiving
Monday. 11.28.05 6:18 pm
man would it suck if there were no such thing as thanksgiving. *whew* i mean really. this whole weekend. im so thankful i had the chance to spend it the way i did, and with the people whom i spent it with. ya know i didnt think a lot of people were gonna be hanging out with me at the same time...like i thought i was going to have to hang out with everyone separately or like smaller groups. and i was completely ready to do so. but i did give it a shot, got a few calls, made a few calls...and a lot of people rallied together. wow...i havent done a 'recap blog' in such a long time....im so glad that i can still do this. wednesday comes around. i reluctantly go to work that morning...wash dishes. and thennnn break til like 12 where i have geology which was a pretty empty class cuz everyone had left early. but alas...i was there, then i was done with classes for the day. i however couldnt pickup lunch...but hokay. 4 oclock or so comes around and meghans ready to go so we pick up our bags and we head out. now get this...it was SNOWING. yeah. it was definitely snowing as we left slippery rock. but it didnt stop my excitement about going home. 4 hours pass and meghan and i jam to some good tunes...listened twice to a cd she made . so kablam: we arrive in hershey! her brother answers the door and we just start eating heh. it was nice. then meghans parents came in n they were their usual awesomely nice. annnnnd i think it was the first time her brother Nick and i had a decent conversation. i mean like it wasnt just all small talk we actually conversed for a lil bit. it was nice. and so...YEAH so meghan and i start watching this kung fu bruce lee thing which i thought was pretty interesting but she didnt heh. then we went to sleep. the nextt dayyyy thursday i head out after a bagel and some pumpkin spice coffee. 2 hours later, im home. and then my relatives from florida arrive! grandma ellen, grandpa 'car-ling', tito ruell, tita nette (i think thats her name...), and my cousins Ryan and Ruenna. so yeah. thats an extra 6 folks in the house. PLUS 2 cousins from my aunty judy were staying the weekend. sooooooooo....yeah. it was pretty packed. it was good seeing family again though. kinda like...here you gotta establish some sort of relationship thats not as solid, but distant relatives are usually like an unspoken alliance that you dont have to worry about. so yeah...oh man wow i actually talked to my uncle joel for like 2 seconds too. he asked how i was and i said 'ok how are you' and he gave me the thumbs up and said good. i've never asked him how he was ever in my life i dont think until that day. it sounded really weird coming outta my mouth. it prolly has something to do with giving up my biological father, but i'm still pretty against the way uncle joel handles my brothers. hes a provider...but thats what he really does he 'handles' them it never seems like hes trying to raise them. sometimes he spoils them but when that happens keiko gets the shorter end of the stick cuz hes not his 'blood son'. but thats a story for another blog... so with like 8 people plus me, keiko, jj, jericho, mom, uncle joel, and grandma lola that makes....15 people sleeping in the same house. so anyway. the fam gets there and they instantly ate. the whole thanksgiving meal was a bit dispersed...pretty informal, not really what i was hoping for. but anyway..the day goes on...the babies play video games in my room...and then it happens.. i get a call on my cellphone! its nickasandra aka nick and casey. n they wanted to hang out! so i say we'd hang out. THEN matt calls me on the house phone only 2 seconds after i hang up with nickasandra! so im like wow well what the deuce? we might as well all hang out right? wow. so then we conjure up some more folks to invite namely smash, sank, christine, brett, and the denisons. daniel san was in pennsylvania. sank/smash were m.i.a., the denisons had black friday shopping at 4am, and brett was having mommy forced 'study time' . the people who made it to hang out were nick, casey, mike, christine, matt, and myself. the final plan after much debate was CRANIUM at nicks house. nicks mom and her coworker, michelle decided to join in on the board game recreation as well. they were drunk. so yeah that was an interesting factor in the game. poking fun at the drunken adults was surprsingly entertaining. i think its safe to say that the funniest one of that night was (an hour into the game) nicks mom had asked about how to do the pictionary type facet of the game. and i said "well ok we're gonna draw". and she says ...."draw, like on paper?"....and i say "no, draw. like we're gonna draw water from a well." hahahaha oh man...it was hilarious...everyone BUT the adults thought it was funny. i dont think they knew we were making fun of them. i wouldnt really even call it making fun of them. but yeah..it was a really good time at nicks. after cranium we discussed sports...and how steeler fans are crazy....dah.......so after that...we all go home...ah and when i got home, i hung out with the children family.it was pretty nice. i taught them how to throw cards into a hat. it was cool. and then we discussed where everyone was gonna sleep...cuz the older family had went to gamble in atlantic city. so....yeah. they didnt get home til 6 er 7 in the morning. and thennnnnn....sleep.....til friday i was pretty much out of the house all day on friday. played melee at mikes during the day, matt n brett were also there so we all played some double dash as well. ummm...then we went to ci cis! there the 4 of us met up with nick, casey, the denisons, and danny. wow, then matt mike and i went bowling with smash, christine, tricia and her boyfriend mike(who didnt bowl). twas a good time. man if you thought tricia walked funny, you should see her bowl. hahaha..oh man..but anyway. yeah, after that, matt, mike and i retired to mikes house. where i decided to stay the night. and we just caught up on our sleepover pillow talk. hahaha..it was actually the most serious talk we've ever had. so yeah....we eventually fell asleep. and then came saturday. my last day home....i went to the bank first thing. deposited all my checks, bought a new toothbrush and some toothpaste. then got back home in time to shower and get ready for meggyos arrival to my house. so she gets there and we eat...then we go right to mikes house! we played cards..and then meghan and i took a nap on mikes futon. meghan and i woke up when sank/smash got to mikes and went back to my house to eat dinner. We came right back! and we played some more cranium with some MORE people. it was the original kiddos that played cranium the other night, but instead of the drunks we had sank and ashley. meghan was my partner instead of matt this time as well. some other folks showed up that night as well so all in all..it was mike, christine, nick, casey, sank, ashley, niki, desi, george, matt, tricia, tricias bf mike, meghan, and myself. 14 of us unless i forgot someone, man would that suck. but yeah it was unbelievably great and relieving to know that all of us could still hang out....maryland is my home. cant wait to go home for christmas break

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untitled
Tuesday. 10.25.05 1:55:26 am
i cant sleep. its way past my bedtime...and...i'm just in need of something. i need to pour it out. this morning i remembered a dream i had. i died in a dream. i was laying down in a parked van type thing. like on the floor not on the seat, with my head toward the trunk...and then i hear a honking....and then i shoot toward the trunk head first into a truck which was parked behind me...and that was it. i just knew i was dead, done, deceased. no afterlife, just end. i woke up this morning with this realization of memory, feeling like my body was literally made of lead. i felt my whole body tense. it was like terror struck every nerve in my being. and now...i dont even know..i guess im kinda scared to go to sleep. i think i had the dream cuz..... of my dad. cuz i mean in all seriousness, he seriously could be dead right now. n i even consider him dead sometimes, not just 'his whereabouts are unknown"...i just dont fucking know. i need closure. i've given up on reconcilliation with my dad, hes not gonna be the dad i knew before ever again. but what am i to do now? whenever someone would ask me 'wheres ur dad?' i just have very little knowledge about that. i...i dont...i dont know. i wish i knew. then i could feel sad. but now im just in this horrible limbo like, yeah he could be dead, or he could just be homeless and dying, or who knows.

..would you hold my hand if i saw you in heaven..?

i must be strong...and carry on...

....tears in heaven

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the number is lesser in value..and easier to swallow
~'would you like something to drink'
if your stomach feels weak, then my work here is done
~'the words "best friend" become redefined'
if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, i'll follow you into the dark
~'i'll follow you into the dark'
i'll be floating out at sea, waiting for periscopes to spot my warm body
~'no ace, just you'
this is the part where i'll admit i'm getting what i deserve
~'lost and found'
lets sleep tonight on a bed of nails, so that every other night doesn't seem so painful after all
~'beter than sex'
if it were up to me, you're gone, i've been dying to get it into you somehow
~'histrionics'
hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there, i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this
~'bruised'
wanna fuck up my life?-i'll let you.
~'knotes'
this is the rhythm i was signing to the beat of my feat as i walked away
~'i fought the broad (and the broad won)'
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
if i could, i'd only want to make you smile
~'make you smile'
the past is only the future with the lights on
~'baby, come on'
morning always comes too quick when you're around..
~'still breathing'
i beg not to escape permeating my pores, whetting my appetite for more
~'amanda's poem about unicorns '
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
love me gently with a chainsaw
~'tie her down'
smiles and her laughter, its the only thing that ive been waiting for
~'emily'
so many high points on this last leg, i cant wait to recount them- it seems like nothings happened until ive shared them with you
~'shirts and gloves'
ur lips, ur eyelashes- ur skin, these are the parts of ur body that cause my comatose to begin
~'all hail the heartbreaker'

lets start out-by starting over... ~'lovers and liars'

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