The pull that social media has over us these days is ridiculously toxic. And yet, most of us still succumb to it on a daily basis. The accessibility that it provides allows you to see things you're otherwise not supposed to see. Sure, people have the option to privatize things and block others, but not everyone does. Which is how one falls to prey on information that then later hurts them.

I guess I should have known this was a possibility, but I was holding on to more hope than I was willing to admit out loud. Hell, it's the whole reason why things didn't work out in the first place. I guess it's a good thing that I've been disconnected because I'm not sure how I would have handled finding out this information. I'd like to think I would have been okay up front, but knowing I usually get, probably not. Finding out this way means that the stab doesn't go as deep or hurt as bad. It still hurts, but I'm honestly not surprised. Why should I be?

What's funny is that I was finally feeling better until I went and discovered that. I was actually thinking about canceling my therapy appointment tomorrow because I didn't think I needed it. Guess now I have something to talk about.

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I was going to put a password on this, but fuck it. No one knows this is tied to me and the one person I would have kept this hidden from isn't going to read it anyway. So fuck it.

It's kinda funny how things change over the years. Your perspective of things change. You learn from past experiences and you change your perspective when seemingly the same thing happens to you twice. Or three or four or more times. You begin to question why you keep letting the same thing happen to you; because it hurts just the same, every single time. But you know, from pure experience, that you're going to be okay. Eventually. The timeline is different each time, but it still happens. And it always happens when you aren't paying attention.

Your first time, you swear it'll never happen again. You're never going to get yourself involved in this again because it hurts too much and you know, for a fact, that you're never going to feel this way again. It just hurts too much. How are you going to move on?

The second time, you know that you aren't going react exactly the same way as the first time, or maybe you are, but this time is different. This time, somehow, hurts worse than the first time because you never thought it would happen to you again. You never expected it to happen to you again. You didn't want to have to go through this again. But here you are, suffering through it all over again.

You swear to yourself that you'll be okay, with time, no matter how long it takes. And you know for a fact that it'll happen again. But you know better this time. You are going to let it happen on your time, when you're ready. You're not going to let it take you by surprise. No, no. You know better. When you're ready, it'll happen.

Except that's never how it works. And so here you are, back in the same situation. You're elated and feeling wonderful because it came out of nowhere and it's perfect. You begin to grow weary, but no, this time is different. Until you realize, all too late, that it's gone too far and it's happened all over again. And this time hurts; just as much as the last time. And the time before that. Except it's different. Every single time.

Again, you know that you'll be okay. Eventually. And you are now fully aware of just how out of nowhere this can happen, but you swear to yourself you're going to hide until you know you're ready. 6 months. No, 12 months. A solid 12 months before you're willing to allow yourself to feel ready.

But you know. A timeline means nothing when you find someone who makes you stop in your tracks and question why you're waiting. Even if love isn't the exact word to describe what you're feeling, and even if it is, you know. Love knows no bounds.

And so here you sit, reeling from the most recent loss in your life, knowing that you'll get through this one, just like every other one, another gaping wound added to the rest that have long since scarred over. It's beginning to look like a mangled mess, but you still know what lies beneath.

Six months from now, we'll revisit this and reflect to see what progress has been made, if any. Then twelve months and so on and so forth.

You'd like to believe that one day you'll realize it's stopped. But only when it's happened will you truly believe.

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I'm going to start this over as a private blog; one to get out stuff that I otherwise can't on the other due to the inividuals who would happen across it. Most of the entries will be password protected and if you happen to know who my mirror is, then the password will be the same.

The entries, in theory, should be far and few between, seeing as how they're basically conflicts within my personal world. The frequency of them, however, can increase in volume and decrease depending on how quickly it takes for me to work through a conflict.

Here's to hoping there's very little activity on this blog in the forseeable future.

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Alright, this is a list of things I'd like to accomplish before I hit 25. Don't ask me why I'm doing this; I'm just very bored.

~ go back to school.
~ buy a new car {yes, I'm talking brand new, off the lot}
~ completely redo my wardrobe {keeping a few things, of course}
~ get a passport
~ get at least one dog, if not more
~ celebrate my first one year anniversary with my boyfriend {and keep going to celebrate many more; I've never made it a year with someone}
~ get lasik
~ win a jackpot {in a casino or otherwise}
~ go to Hawaii
~ see a tornado, in person
~ learn how to snowboard
~ spend an entire week just relaxing on the beach {with one or more friends, of course}
~ spend an entire day just riding roller coasters {if I happen to break a world record, then so be it}
~ go to New York to visit my family
~ get at least 3 more tattoos; I won't be even close to ending there, but I want at least that many more before I turn 25
~ visit Forks, WA
~ go see the Criss Angel Cirque Du Soleil Show

Okay, I've been sitting here for the last 15 minutes trying to think of something else I want to do and nothing is coming to mind.

*** EDIT ***
Today is 7-10-14 and it's kind of crazy to see what my goals were 6 years ago and just how many of them weren't actually reached. The first three on the list were actually completed.

~ I did, in fact, start going back to school. It's been put on hold, but I will be returning hopefully next year.
~ I also purchased a brand new car, off the lot. I will be making my final payment tomorrow.
~ And although the relationship I had with my boyfriend at the time has since ended, we did go on to celebrate 4 years together.
~ I have spent an entire day riding roller coasters, though it was only just completely recently. And I didn't even come close to breaking any records.
~ I've gotten two more tattoos since this post, but they were also just recently completed.
~ The other items on this list could certainly be completed at some point in my lifetime, but there's actually a few that I no longer have any interest in doing. Which is fine. I'm older and my tastes have changed. It's time to create new goals, but I think I'll keep those on a private list. This way I can keep myself, at least somewhat, grounded.

**Second Edit**
I am an hour away from 10-22-17, which, 7 years ago was my first full day in WA. Let's revisit this list and see what has been accomplished since the last update.

~ I have decided not to return to school. It just isn't something I'm wanting to do at the moment. Perhaps in the future I may take classes specialized in photography, but that may be it.
~ Last October I finally visited my NY family. I spent my 30th birthday in NYC. It was a super brief trip, but I am thankful for having the opportunity to make it out there. I am actually in the process of planning a much longer trip to NYC in a little over a year.
~ I also can now say that I've been to Forks. It was on a random Sunday, I believe, last year as well. I drove in to the city, through the city, turned around, stopped at a grocery store parking lot to stretch my legs and check Google Maps for the traffic, and left. But technically, I have been to Forks.
~ The passport is on the list of things to do in the very near future, but has yet to occur. One of these paychecks I will finally go through the process of getting one.

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