Speak to My Finger

i don't know why my chest is on fire. i see tonight's dinner is so pathetic: chicken soup only, and i look over to my mother's table on the right. she is watching netflix all day long. and this is a repetition of like other days. just watching netflix as early as 12 pm until 12 am and then repeat the following day. she said she is stressed from cooking two meals a day, so i subscribed lunch on alternate days to ease. but that actually just makes me see so obviously that she is just sitting in front of her laptop waiting to die in the absent of jobs and cooking meals.

and oh, she gets angry of everything and anything. while i sit in my own field of table and chair surrounded with articles related to my masters studies. i don't have time to read my books nor make more money even though i think i have the means.

and yet, my chest is on fire as i stir the idea in my head how can someone just wait to die everyday. i am absolutely stress by that idea, while i sit and read articles on my theories that i have never heard, hoping i did ok in my assignment, hoping i would do well in my exam. and suddenly it hit me, my exam clashes with my freelance work on both days. in the distance in my head, i could hear the fucking desperation in her voice "why am i always cooking? why no else cooks?" well, it's because i am not waiting to die like u that whatever u r doing is to wait for death to sweep ur feet. and oh, u said before i fucking dirty ur kitchen while i was cooking years ago.

nothing can soothe the fire in my chest other than conjuring thoughts like i hate u. how can i not hate u. i look at tonight's dinner that is only chicken soup and u said u r not in the mood to cook. it's not only today, it's an everyday affair with that sentence that it now set fire ablaze on my throat. how i have constraint 'i hate u' from escaping my throat everyday when i see u in front of netflix. how i hated people idling their time so death can just say hi and bye on a later date.

and when death is at ur doorstep, u will think back on all these times and say i have no time to do the things i want. fuck u? u transacts the time with netflix so don't ever tell me u have no time. i really hate people like u, gosh.

if only i can just say out loud 'yea u r so stupid. i don't know why i have such stupid mother like u' whenever u play the sympathy card in the car or in the living room with that scrunchie victim look "aww... aww.. i don't know why i am so stupid.. i am never smart in IT." yea, u r so stupid and a great green-eye person. oh, remember u said why i was willing to teach a grandma to use G suite but not u? yea coz that grandma was actually TRYING to move her cursor to click on those folders whereas u cried and screamed for people to click the tabs for u when ur two daughters were teaching u, as per instructed by u, fucktard.

man, nothing can extinguish my hatred for u. i hate the game u play. a gaslighter, a manipulator, a bully. what a fucking better actor than me. so don't go screaming at the whole block u r in depression. u have all these acting means to help contact ur inner self and release the lowest points of ur life at ur two daughters, and oh to flex ur power 'i am victim' to the whole world. when i announce i feel like killing myself, u told me to shut up because u didn't want to hear it. i didn't want to hear u either.

it's because of u, my dreams were shattered. and i spent wandering without anchor on earth for years because i could not patch back my dreams. i have to reinvent myself while u keep opening my wound.

i just don't know why i have such a stupid mother like u. the flame has traveled from my chest to my nose. i can't breathe. u r suffocating me physically, emotionally and mentally. i hate u.

why do u even bother for death to pick u up? while screaming u have no money? so much time on hand to play victim and watch netflix. u r the cause of my medical bills. u only worsen my medical condition. i never thought i can hate u until awaken the eye of sauron.

but i hate myself the most. i hate myself for being stuck in this house with u. but i don't want to move either because this is my house in my name. u should go. all u want is money. i hate u.