Speak to My Finger

So you didn't read my post below... but it's ok because I am making the second post for the day. The below is the first post and now is the second post. In analysis, it should be the other way round but I just typed out whatever vomited out from my brain.

This morning I had a row with my mother after some peaceful weeks at home. I was tired and cranky from the whole last week of working.

Let just say I don't know why I blew up at 6.30am when I was mopping the floor... changing the water and solution. I was shouting at mother that I received no help in doing this very chore and as though she and my sister are waiting for someone to change the water every time. I am also tired and I am also not advised to do heavy housework chores due to medical reasons. And I usually change the water as early as 0530 or at night while my family members are asleep or busy watching their drama or simply surfing. I don't mind their activities but all I ask is can we at least alternate? You do after I do and so on. Not just state "Oh the water is already dirty" and then continue to mop with those dirty water and wait for something to happen. I have tried of doing nothing and nothing seriously happened.

Well, at least now I could see my sister is doing laundry because previously she didn't. My mum did her laundry. But changing the water..... hmm not in March.... not in February... maybe once in January? She always say she is very busy or she is always going out like now.... so what does she do when she is at home? Watch movies or just do her own work from home.

All I ask is just alternate with me in changing water just at least once a week. I complained once about the enlargement of my thyroid for changing water so frequent. My mother told me I don't need to announce. Right. I just said once now and yet the water is not changed immediately despite the water was extremely murky... and my sister and my mother never washed their toilet feet mat whenever they soak it in the toilet of my charge. I once just did nothing... the cloth just stayed in my toilet for more than a month until it smelled in a funny coloured water. And my mother would just continue lying to herself 'Oh she (my sister) will wash'. FU. A few weeks ago, I was kind enough to wash for them because I don't like their cloth to rot in my toilet.

So this morning? I blew up because I am angry that my sister and my mother don't change the water at a faster speed even though my mother say she will change.... but she always say that.. the action is so slow... she has knee injury but my sister has been feeding her with a lot of collagen that she feels so much better and I could see her skin is glowing so much better than mine when mine is pale as sheet and the doctors whom I met in a workshop were so concern for me that they asked was I really sick.

My sister kept saying she has no money but she has the money to buy such expensive collagen products for herself and for her mother. And yet she didn't replenish any food to date. She dare not eat the food at home already after I demanded her to pay me back the food I bought.

So in my explosion this morning I was telling my mother that

1. Why can't you and her help?
2. Why do you make me feel it's like my responsibility to change the water?
3. I can't do heavy work too... I am suffering too.

That's cause I have scoliosis and permanent backache and whatever aches in my body... and at the moment I am having pain in my kidney everyday at certain hour. I have thyroidism hence I no longer can tolerate stress and that extended not even physical stress of carrying heavy stuff. Otherwise I can feel my thyroid is enlarged.

4. I don't even have money to pay for a blood test... why can't you help me delay the need of this test because I need to know the status of my thyroid. Though I feel much better compared to one year ago but seriously I have enlarged nodules now too. So I am worried.

The reply was YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT... YOU ARE SO NOISY....and then threatened me that she won't fetch me out of the house. Fine. I was not ready for that kind of war since I still rely on her for transportation. So I apologised twice in a row so she could fetch me out.

But what did I feel after that screaming match? I feel like committing suicide that very moment. When I reached office... I took the knife and placed it at my stomach and asked myself repeatedly why I didn't end my life sooner... why I didn't end my life 9 years ago. If I did, I would have avoided all this unhappiness. Why I didn't? Because I could not tolerate the mild pain the knife pointed at my gastric area. It was my fear of pain that saved me over and over again. But now I have a new method that I found someone was talking about that is to tie the rope around my neck behind the door. That idea sounds simple... and I can hear my brain working out the logistic...

As I came into office I knew I need to talk to someone because I was screaming in the office alone about what I have done wrong in my life to date... because I thought I was getting better... feeling better... getting my finance better. What went wrong? And that moment I realised how fragile my whole world was just because of one person who should not matter but matter in some way.

I think it's time for another cord cutting with my mother. It has saved my sanity and I have to do again for the sake of saving myself.

But while I was talking to the psychic my intuition was telling me the reason for my shouting match was because I was COMMUNICATING my pain. I was conveying my pain; I was talking but in shouting mode; but nevertheless I was COMMUNICATING. So instead of shutting me up or someone's scream, just let them continue until they lost their train of thoughts. It's their way of bringing up the pain and whatever has been overdue in the body essence. Of course, it is quite unfair for the nearest person or the loved ones to be screamed at for no reason but I think it's also important to dismiss it as some crazy person. That's because I realised as I was screaming my pain I kept repeating certain thoughts and my mother will keep saying she could not do anything about the what I wanted to believe in. Instead of saying I don't give a shit about it, why not explore on that? There must be a reason to every argument. People just don't get angry for no reason isn't it? Why not try to understand me instead of shutting me up? I felt small. I felt like I was being instilled with fear again like when I was a kid again. That's what happened when I reached out for help, I was told to shut up in which I interpreted it as I am not allowed to ask for help. A lot of similar events happened in my life which then I realised it made me so independent that I cannot see my mother asking help for the very same thing I was denied. I hated it.

And... my mother didn't even notice I was in some kind of depression when we were arguing. I am sure she didn't even want to know I was back to suicidal again. Like what I did this morning. I am sure she will just reply 'Just die' thinking I was just being a drama queen. Was I? Was I an attention seeker? Why did I seek attention? What was going on inside me? Why renaye, why? Why were you so unhappy? All I wanted was someone to change that water even before I could say change. That is all. Sounds simple right? But why was I begging and crying? The same thing when someone did that for love. Do I feel love? I feel I am the only one that supports myself. I know my mother supports me via transportation but nothing emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And these are the places that I am totally drained and I need to unload.

Did I explode because I wanted my mother to love me like how she did to my sister? Because what my sister received is not the same as me? Or like how my mother looks at my sister? Maybe, unconsciously. I think my body knows that she sees me as an extra hand, nothing more than that. And all I was asking, perhaps, is just for some love debris that she has extra for my sister. I am like the small fish underneath those huge fish roaming for the extras. Ouch. such flowery descriptive....

I came home now and found my mother not saying a single word to me and went to her room shortly. I think if it's my sister, she will try to strike a conversation. Why do I even feel sad? Because I feel unwanted? It is in us that we want to be wanted. So I am not surprised that I feel this way.

This means I seriously need a cord cutting...

But I also want to talk someone... What about my mother? I still want to talk to her.... From an anime I quite like... no child does not want to be loved by their mother... and with that the girl who was raped raised the child... It was a wise sentence...

What about me? Apologise and tell her what? I already apologised, twice. What else? Kill myself completely? Well, I will seriously think of it again if she demands for money. She can then inherit my retirement funds which is enough to last her retirement.