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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
The light
Friday. 7.29.16 11:56 am
I am really hurt by the words said by a friend today and some friends for the past few days. All I could feel was hurt. Ego hurt and pure fear overwhelming me.

I am very tired.

I am also tired of how much you are putting effort into your own life and then comes someone who just threw words at you that said you are not going all out to be in the corporate world when you can do so much more than your current job. I didn't wake up in the morning, honey, just to let you attack me from nowhere. I do know well I have excuses. Instead of telling me it's all excuses, why not try to help me to get out of these excuses and guide me? How effective you coming at me, pointing at me, calling me I am a lazy girl, would help me get out of my shell? Don't give me the excuse that I am a strong girl that your friggin' scolding would shake up my world. It doesn't, honey. You have just made more withdrawn into my world and don't ever want to see any more of you.

If you don't understand me, don't try to scold me. I am overwhelmed with fear that I am trying my best to get out of it. So if you don't want to help me, so fuck off. Don't tell me it's something I have to do it myself therefore you got to stay out of it. Yea. Stay the fuck out of my way from the beginning not after you told me off for some time and then apologise. When I said I am fine it does not mean I am truly fine and a signal of a permission for you to continue your berate just because you feel it will benefit me.

Fucktard. You don't know how much energy I spent in helping others therefore don't say I am super lazy and have so much excuses in not working in a corporate world. If you are so much superior than me, you should have continue to stay wherever you are and not tell your principal to pack their bags and fire every damn staff in the company. You should have stay and fight in the name of turn over the company. That's what you are paid for. You took the easy way out by closing the company. And didn't I even berate you on that? These staff rely on you to lead them to greater heights. They have a family to feed. Have you thought of them when you decided to pack? Every entrepreneur I met kept sharing with me they have to continue to fight because they are not only responsible for their staff only but also for their staff family. Imagine the pressure? And you packed the bags?! The only comfort words I have given to you were 'you are doing what you think you are right.' Because it is true. I am not in your shoes when you have to make that super hard decision. It was the best decision you could make at that time. I didn't judge you so why did you on me?

Many people have told me to suck it up when I said I wanna quit on my studies. I know I made the wrong decision to continue to study at one of the top private universities here. I know it was a mistake to even paid fully. I did so just to tell myself that I have to do it since I paid. I trapped myself. In the end I didn't because it was against my own self. Why? Because it was freaking boring. Because the topic was on a topic that I am not comfy with to begin with. Why did I even sign up for it?! Because I wanted a new challenge. Because I believed in my ex-colleague who said this program would be a breeze for me. Because I gave away my power to think fully to others simply because the university I was in is also world top uni. Wrong. I hated the rigid of the structure. I hated to be told I cannot think like that. I hated to be told my topic is not accepted because it was something new and the lecturers are not risk takers. And all I wanted to was to study. To write freely. To write a story from within. Cannot... it's always cannot. I tried to be creative within the limits but I felt like creativity is not welcomed. Is this how we got tamed? So our brains are easier to be marketed to the corporations? The creativity has to be tailored for the corporations.... because creativity of the individual students are commodity which can be sold with a price tag. And my creativity has no price tag because it has no value worth. And all I wanted is to study. I have two supervisors who were talked into supervising me. They were not enthusiastic in teaching me. I don't learn from them. I can't even communicate with them! I tried changing myself because I think I need to be changed! Yes, my ego could be lowered! But what do I get?! Disappointment!

Yea suck it up, renaye! You are just being a loser for quitting! Yea, go ahead and be a hooker when you don't have the money! Why not, loser?! But you got no money! So you got no choice! Be a hooker! Why not?! Just because it's against your belief? Because you don't feel comfortable?! So you decline? So did I. Damn you.

Damn you and others. Why can't you be more compassionate? Remember the times how I talked to you. Remember the times renaye tried to tell you something diplomatically when that's not her style at all. Remember the times renaye has lent you her ears and eyes at her own expense. Remember!

Remember, renaye sometimes needs to borrow eyes and ears too. If you cannot do her back the favour, please leave her alone.

Renaye needs help more than scolding. I have enough.

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