But I keep wanting to throw up for some reason.

Not to lose weight or anything... Just... I don't know. I don't even feel nauseous or anything. Frustrated, maybe. I don't know why throwing up seems appealing. Purging negative emotions isn't something I've ever done through a physical action, I think...

Well, except for when I was small and I would rub my skin off I guess. But I don't know what emotion that would be considered. The only word that makes sense to me is "unbearable" but that's not... really an emotion. It wasn't frustration, or just being upset. Wasn't just annoyance or irritation. It was the feeling of having to be close to something you hated more than anything else. Having to breathe the air in the vicinity of that something. Like suffocation, except instead of pressing inward it pressed outward, and I didn't know how to let it escape so I just rubbed off my skin. Creating openings in the hopes that it would get out. I would have cried and screamed but that wouldn't have released it, because the feeling was in its own special pocket that verbalization couldn't reach.

On Sunday I volunteered at Maker Faire. It was cool I guess. Frosan thought it was pretty awesome. I felt like it was kind of lacking in comparison to the past ones I've attended. The layout was different so they didn't have as many of the vendors I would have liked to see. Still, there was a lot to see, so it was a decent day I suppose.

Trader Joe's finally brought back their soy chorizo, much to my mom's delight. To er... celebrate, she asked me to make tacos tonight. I was worried that they might have changed the formula, but it tasted just like I remembered, so that was a relief.

I've been listening to this song for a few minutes:

The moon is shining in the sky
Reminding me of so many other nights
When my eyes have been so red
I've been mistaken for dead
But not tonight

Found this tonight... Even though I've liked Depeche Mode for a long time, I really haven't explored their musical catalogue much. The lyrics of this song don't currently resonate with me, but I've related to their sentiment in the past and I think I will in the future. Just don't know when. I like this song, though. It doesn't come off as all peppy and happy. More like... serious and grateful. Thoughtful and reflective? Sometimes you hit moments when you become very aware that you can feel and are feeling, and it's overwhelming, or nearly so. When you go so long without true feeling that you've nearly forgotten, the rush of it all coming back is just... like finding out someone you love isn't dead after all, I guess? It's a mixture of wonder and grief and relief and pain. I don't know how many other people get that feeling, but it gets to me sometimes.

I'm going to see Godzilla, apparently in IMAX, on Thursday... I don't really want to see it, but it's with a friend so I guess I might as well. Then Friday I'm meeting up with a new friend for the first time...

Social activity is good and all and I know I will probably enjoy it, but I feel so tired just thinking about it at the moment. Still, I know it's better to go out and do things with people than to isolate myself.

Ah, ok I was just trying to check if it was a virus or something. Whenever I feel frustrated with strangers around me, I'm like, "I'm going to throw up all over all y'all people" [in my head] and then for some reason that makes me laugh and I don't feel frustrated with them anymore.

I feel like the antidote to this line of reasoning is to actually throw up, because then you remember how unpleasant it is. I had more to say about this entry, but I have to go into the field to do some lidar scans of a volcanic cone. Until later, then. ;)
» Zanzibar on 2014-05-21 01:41:01

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