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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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The road to Hell is paved with good intentions
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Intent is a tricky thing. You can have bad intent and good actions. You can also have good intent and bad actions. This much should be obvious. I mean, there's even a proverb about it.

I don't really subscribe to the "A for effort" mentality. No, it isn't enough to try hard. What good is effort without results? Let's be honest. Sometimes you can try your very best and still not make the cut. But does that mean you're a bad person, or worthless? No.

Telling kids that they can do anything they set their minds to is, as far as I'm concerned, an awful lie. Everybody has limits. That's just reality. There's nothing wrong with dreaming and testing your boundaries, but needlessly building up people's confidence in their potential is a recipe for disaster. And there are people who acknowledge this. Articles have been written, lectures have been given. Why isn't it sinking in? Are people just afraid to hurt their kids' feelings?



I don't believe in giving praise for not being terrible. I don't typically give compliments unless something stands out to me. An A is meaningless if you just get it for meeting the minimum requirements. I hear there was a time when teachers only gave As for exceptional work. I didn't live during that time, but I wonder what it was like. My grandma was a straight A student in an era when C really was average and normal, at least according to my dad. I wonder if I would have been at her level. I don't know. School has generally taught me just to meet certain requirements, not go above and beyond. At the same time, going above and beyond can feel really good. It feels good to put in a lot of effort and see returns for that.

But hard work isn't enough. You can put in hard work and be horribly disappointed. And it feels bad. Of course it feels bad. Nobody wants to know they wasted their time and energy. But you can get over it. We adjust, we adapt, we grow, we move on. It's okay to fail sometimes. It really is. And I'm not saying I'm comfortable with the idea of failing. Hell, I probably worry more about it than the average person. The goals I want to meet don't give me a lot of wiggle room. But if I fail... if it really does happen at some point, I know that won't be the end of my life. Maybe I won't get a second chance for the path I wanted, but there are other paths that are equally good.

(That little dramatic part of me wants to make it the end of my life. It wants me to never get over certain things, to be some sort of tragic romantic emotional figure. In reality I bounce back, and I don't suffer as much as would be romantic.)

So yeah, you can say "I tried" and you can say "I tried so hard" but it doesn't change the consequences. I'm not saying don't try, because that's not the right lesson to take from this. It's not black and white like that. You try and you fail, and you try harder, or you try something else. And failure can get you down, yeah, but the odds are you'll win at some point. Focus on the times you win, figure out what was different. Don't give up. That's just learned helplessness.

Learned helplessness can be broken out of though. Being more positive helps. Focusing on successes helps. Therapy helps.

Effort is important. It's what you can control. Luck is also important, though, and other external factors. Effort is necessary but not sufficient. I don't give participation trophies, and I'm not going to start to make people feel better about themselves. Compliments and praise can certainly help self esteem, and they can make it easier to feel good, but they aren't necessary for it. I am not responsible for your self esteem if you are an adult. Is it fair to ask me not to tear you down? Yes. But don't get on my case for not building you up enough.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what your intent was, or how much effort you put in. Sometimes all that matters is the results. SOMETIMES.

I think expecting recognition for doing good acts says something about the person doing them. It says that person isn't doing good just for the sake of helping. That person wants to feel good about themself, they want other people to know they're a good person. It's a selfish act, essentially. Some people would say there's no such thing as a selfless act, because anything we do, we want to gain something from. I don't know if that's true or not. What I do know is that there are people who do things they THINK are good, because it makes them feel good.

These are the people who listen to your problems so they can give you advice. They want to feel like they're helping you by solving your issues. They don't understand what your needs are.

These are the people who toss leftovers at homeless people because they assume the homeless person must be hungry and not care about what the food is. They think they're doing something good. They don't know what that person actually wants or needs. (And wants and needs are definitely separate. If you give money to an alcoholic who will just spend it on cheap wine instead of buying food, you are not helping that person.)

By doing acts that YOU think are good, without truly assessing the needs of the other person and the situation and taking the time to understand them, you take away the dignity of the person you're "helping." You're making them into some generic entity that you expect to be grateful for whatever you give them. ASK people what they want, ask them what they need. Those things don't always line up. You can't always know what people really need, but you can do your best to find out. But don't, don't, DO NOT, assume you know.

Let people have their dignity. Don't force your handouts on them. Don't force your gifts, your good intentions. Gather information, take a step back and think about it. Don't put them, or yourself, on the path to Hell.
3 Comments.


This was genuinely a good read to the point where I specifically came here to say so. It's easy to agree with all of what you're saying, but I think some of us need more reminders than others.

re: That makes more sense. Maybe my response was coming from my own frustration with the hope to have happiness as a permanent fixture, which seems to be pretty common.
» Unicornasaurus on 2014-05-13 10:30:36

Every time I refresh your page I get an ad saying something about the FCC. It seems like a virus or something... hmmm... I will still try to read your thing.
» Zanzibar on 2014-05-18 12:45:04

Ok, the ad is gone now. This is a great entry! I totally agree!
» Zanzibar on 2014-05-18 12:49:55

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