I was relatively laidback in high school when it came to grades. I never got any final grades below a B that I can recall, but I was pretty content with Bs. As were cool, but not something I really stressed about.

Now I'm a straight A student, and I stress a lot about maintaining that.

There was this study done about neuroplasticity in the depression recently-ish. If you don't know what neuroplasticity is, basically it's this idea that our brains change and adapt. Our neurons form connections with each other which are strengthened by repeated exposure or weakened by lack of exposure to particular things. Anyway, this study found that depressed people have less neuroplasticity, which means they have more trouble adapting (and therefore learning).

In a way that can perpetuate depression, because it kind of impedes a person from making new connections/associations. This is why it is pretty useless to tell people who have depression to cheer up or be more optimistic. Their brains just can't make that shift easily. You get stuck in this puddle of pessimism and it's hard to see things any other way.

I'm wondering if this neuroplasticity thing affected my grades in high school at all, or if it was just other factors in my life. I was depressed throughout my high school years, but at the same time, that was kind of my "first time" experiencing depression, even if it never really ended for years. I hadn't developed good coping mechanisms yet, so maybe things just affected me more then.

Even though I know I've had depressive episodes since high school, in my mind they don't compare to how I felt back then. I don't know if this is just because I've learned how to handle them better or if things really just were worse. In any case, since my second semester of college, I've been getting nothing but As (with the disappointing exception of two A-s). So I guess the (unanswerable) question is, am I less depressed now than I was in high school? And related to that, is my brain more plastic now than it was? Does that factor in to why I'm achieving more?

There are too many factors to really know, though. I mean, I'm more motivated now, I guess. In senior year of high school I started getting some esteem boosts from getting good grades and recognition from teachers. (Well, technically it started in junior year I guess, but I think it had a bigger impact in senior year) I work harder now than I did in high school. Back then I would put the minimum possible effort in to get a B. Now I put the effort in to get as close to perfect as possible when I can. My perception of myself has also changed. I don't view myself as inferior to everyone around me anymore. In a (somewhat horrifying?) twist of fate, my classmates perceive me as possibly the smartest person in the class. My school friends routinely check their answers against mine to verify them, and I get asked a lot of questions about our course material.

What's weirder to me is that I actually KNOW the answers to most of these questions. In high school my motto could've been "I don't know." Now I find myself telling people that not only do I know, but I can explain it to them so they understand. It's strange to be confident about things. Even though it was over three years ago now, the memory of being confused and fearful is still very fresh in my memory. It's hard to forget being afraid to walk because you don't know if the ground in front of you is real or not. It's strange to feel like I CAN know things.

This post is getting kind of ramble-y. And this question is like "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" "Which came first, a brain change or a behavior/perspective change?"

I guess all I can really say is that my life is different, and I'm different. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. I'm less overwhelmed now, but I also feel less creative and expressive. I think I'm more externally focused and less internally focused. (Might have to do with why I post less these days than I used to)

Anyway, that's it, I think. There aren't a lot of thoughts I feel are blog-worthy anymore, but this is something I wanted to keep.

I realised that i excelled in college because i found my own studying swhich was denied in my education system here.

My advise here be confident. Its also ok if u slide. Its not the end of the world yet.
» renaye on 2014-03-04 08:51:24

I think in high school sometimes it's hard to see why you should be motivated or care. Everything in the future seems so irrelevant or far away. I think you were probably always smart and capable, but now you have a reason to put that into action and experience to show that you can. Gooooo rjjjjjjjj !
» Zanzibar on 2014-03-06 10:18:30

As crazy as it sounds, from all I've read about neuroplasticity, the chicken IS the egg. The way our brains work change in concert with how we marshal our thoughts, hence the power of conscientious meditation. Either way, its all very cool and very empowering if you think about it. In fact (if you really want to get meta), if you really think about it... that changes your brain, too...

RC: Thanks for commiserating with me. It is kind of a drag.
» jinyu on 2014-03-10 01:41:05

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