"Pap Smear" by Crystal Castles.

Repeat every word that you say to me
They put you to use or put you to sleep
I can't tell you the difference between
An embryo or a planted seed

So many shades of white
So many shades of pale
I know what you hate
So I do it constantly

So many shades of white
So many shades of pale
I know how to cut
A wound that will not heal

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I was reading about Alice Glass's experiences of abuse at the hands of Ethan Kath today. It's horrible and painful to think of her going through that for so long, especially since it apparently started when she was just a teenager. I wonder how much she even knew herself without him and Crystal Castles, after awhile. How do you know who you are when someone else dominates your life for so long?

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Did two gym classes in a row today, rather than just the usual one. I've been doing Turbo Kick with weighted gloves for a few weeks now and the gloves no longer feel heavy to me, so I figured it was time to kick it up a notch and took a strength class right after Turbo Kick. It felt so difficult. T_T My body is weak and sad now from not going to the gym enough. I know 16 hours a week like a couple years ago would probably be excessive, but 3 hours a week doesn't feel like enough. Tomorrow I'm going to try to take another couple classes, and they just added a new Pilates class on Saturdays, so I'll go to that as well. Should be 5 hours a week with those, and once my Thursday morning class ends this week, I'll be free to do something then too. Maybe 6 hours a week? That would be more acceptable. I could feel like I was getting my money's worth from my gym membership (cost would be ~$1 per class if I went to 6 a week consistently).

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One of my professors lent me The Unsayable: The Hidden Language of Trauma by Annie G. Rogers about three weeks ago. I finished it last night, and I am contemplating buying a copy for myself. It is an emotionally heavy book, with some pretty disturbing stories of abuse in it. It's also been intellectually hard for me to grasp on some levels, which I'm not used to. At my last grad school I felt constantly frustrated because the concepts I was supposed to be learning seemed like they would be easy enough to grasp if I weren't dissociating all the time and having physical/mental health problems. This... doesn't feel like that. This feels like an alien world I don't know how to make sense of. I learn by connecting new material to what I already know, and I have no idea how to fit these ideas into my existing knowledge base. I want to return the book to my professor but I want to reread it as well so that I can try to understand it. Maybe reading some of the author's other books will help... She has one called
Incandescent Alphabets: Psychosis and the Enigma of Language that I've been eyeing...

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