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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness." ~ D.H. Lawrence "Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?" "Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost." ~ Seneca "People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect." ~ Daydream Nation "All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death." ~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes "The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road." ~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." ~ William Blake Think about it Musicalities! Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics Web Comics and Such A Distant Soil (Some nudity) The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff) Aquapunk Axe Cop Basic Instructions Bear Nuts Beeserker Blue Milk Special Bug Buttersafe ChannelATE Cigarro & Cerveja Crunchy Bunches Curia Regis Cyanide and Happiness dead winter (has some explicit stuff) Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?) Diesel Sweeties DUBBLEBABY Eat That Toast! E-merl.com The End Evil Diva Evil Inc. Existential Comics The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon For Lack of a Better Comic Forming (Explicit) Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?) Mirror The Last Halloween Last Train to Old Town L.A.W.L.S. The League of Evil Genius Legend of Bill Living With Insanity (some nudity) Love Me Nice Married to the Sea Meaty Yogurt Medium Large The Meek Metacarpolis Monsterhood Monsterkind The Moon Prince Moth (Some nudity) Mr. Lovenstein Muddlers Beat Natalie Dee Nedroid The Non-Adventures of Wonderella Optipess Out There Owen's Uncles Phuzzy Comics Political Cartoonists Index Poorly Drawn Lines Powernap The Property of Hate Red Meat Rice Boy Robbie and Bobby Rosscott, Inc. Safely Endangered Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Savage Chickens Scary Go Round Scenes from a Multiverse The Secret Knots Serenity Rose Stand Still. Stay Silent Stinking Hellebore Strong Female Protagonist Subnormality Tales of Pylea Three Word Phrase (some nudity) Tiny Kitten Teeth Toothpaste for Dinner Trying Human (Some nudity) Two Guys and Guy Wilde Life Witchy xkcd Yellow Peril (PG-13) Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics The Abominable Charles Christopher The Adventures of Dr. McNinja The Adventures of Ellie Connelly American Hell Bag of Toast Bear in Mind Bobwhite The Book of Biff Brat-halla Brightest Broodhollow Bullfinch Camp Weedonwantcha Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff) Chainsawsuit Conspiracy Friends! Daisy is Dead Distillum Dream Life Dumm Comics Ectopiary (Some nudity) Edemia Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life A Fine Example Finn and Charlie are HITCHED Floodmud Freaks! Green Wake Gun Show Hark! A Vagrant Head Doctor Productions Hello with Cheese Helpful Figures Hollow Mountain IDK Comics Inscribing Ardi Intragalactic The Intrepid Girlbot JBabb Comics Kyle & Atticus Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space Letters to a Wild Boar Lovecraft is Missing Manta-man Meat and Plastic Minimalism Sucks Mis- Moe Moon Town The Nerds of Paradise Nimona No Reason Comics Odd-Fish One Swoop Fell Patches Pictures for Sad Children Raymondo Person A Redtail's Dream Riotfish Roy's Boys (PG 13?) Run Freak Run Saint's Way Shortpacked! Sin Titulo Snowflakes Split Lip Spooky Doofus SubCulture Super Buzzkill The Super Fogeys The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston Thermohalia Troubletown Mirror Ugly Girl YU + ME 2815 Monument Pure Flash Awesomeness Aardvardkbutter.com Angry Alien Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry The Frown Hoogerbrugge Other Bogleech Clients from Hell Brian Despain Creatures in My Head Damn You Auto Correct! Jhonen Vasquez's site Overheard in New York Passive Aggressive Notes Submarinechannel.com Superdickery UHpinions Whirled | Habitual thoughts, good things, acceptance Friday, February 16, 2018 Thinking about some of the background mental processes that run behind my more pressing thoughts. Things that don't necessarily have much bearing on what I do or think, but are still just... there. One of the ones that used to be a main insecurity for me, but has faded to a whisper, is "___ if you were thinner." Examples of this include: "They'd be nicer to you if you were thinner." "He would still love you if you were thinner." "You'd be prettier if you were thinner." I'm well aware that those don't stand up well to reality testing, but it's sort of an automatic thought that comes up. Generally I just let it pass, but it drops in to say hello sometimes, mostly if I'm feeling down. They'd want to be friends with you if you were thinner. --- Have been feeling conflicted about a friendship recently. Not feeling like that person understands me. Ironically, other people have been going to that person for information about me, which is... unfortunate. It's something I've been processing for a couple weeks, trying to figure out how to bring up. I don't like to let feelings of unease fester. Stuff just eats away at you if you do that, and I would like to work this out if possible. I'm tired of feeling misunderstood and unheard. --- Yesterday was quite long. On Thursdays I'm usually out of the house for about 14 hours, but I was out 16 hours on 5 hours of sleep yesterday. Surprisingly awake the entire day though! I woke up at 5 AM and stayed awake until past midnight, and I didn't even nap. My normal schedule on Thursdays is roughly as follows: 5 AM: Wake up 6:30 AM: Leave for train station 8:30 -11:30 AM: Class 11:30 AM - 3 PM: Long break 3 - 6 PM: Class 6:20 PM: Walk to train station 8:30 PM: Finally get home I didn't get home until more like 10:30 PM yesterday because some of my classmates wanted to go to a bar after school and I wanted to get to know them better. Going to a bar will never be my first choice for a social setting, but I accept that that's an accommodation I have to make in this culture. It wasn't like I hated it or anything, it was just kind of loud and harder to have a conversation. Also the entire place smelled like beer, which was pretty disgusting. I got to talk to one of the girls I've been feeling... hesitant... about, though, which was cool. She said that she was also glad to get to know me better. I think we're both making efforts to be open to learning about each other rather than avoiding contact because we're wary of each other. There were a few things I felt pretty good about yesterday. During my 3.5 hour break, I had lunch with one of my classmates who I think is becoming my friend, but then he wanted to work on a paper, so I was wandering around on my own. I decided to walk around the city and ended up at a plaza that had some interactive exhibits. One of the exhibits was a gravel pit that had some sensors in it to measure how quietly you could walk. I was looking at it, and the guy who was manning it invited me to try it. He pushed a button to reset the score and I walked across. Got a 2.5, and I wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but he said it was good and encouraged me to try again and see how much lower I could get my score (higher = more noisy, so a low score was better). I did it several times, mostly getting lower scores, and he was very encouraging and friendly. My final score was 0.1 out of a possible 100. Felt pretty pleased with myself. He told me he knew I could do better than my first score and that confidence was key, haha. I'd been feeling kind of lonely before then because I wanted to hang out more with people, but I felt better after that interaction. When I was walking back to school, I saw some bright distorted reflections on the side of the school building, and they were quite beautiful. Rippling ovals with luminous outlines scattered across the wall. I wish I could have taken a picture. In my second class, we did dyads, which are just activities where one person is the therapist/listener and the other is the client/talker and you're in each role for 15-20 minutes, and you get feedback about how you did as the therapist/listener. The girl I partnered up with was someone I hadn't really talked to before, but I liked her and I felt like there was some camaraderie over a shared feeling about our program. It was nice to feel like someone got what I was saying. She laughed in that way that people laugh when you're speaking bluntly about something they relate to but have felt shy about admitting. The laughter of relief, and amusement, and the tiniest amount of guilt about how good it feels to finally be open. It was laughter I could connect with. I've been feeling like it's hard to really connect with people in my program because there's so much seriousness and not enough playfulness. In my T-group, I've made a few jokes now that just did not land, and it was really awkward to say something that got taken literally. Feeling happy and playful and wanting to laugh are parts of my authentic experience, but I feel restricted in sharing that in the group because of the somber atmosphere. The seriousness makes me want to be extra silly during the break between classes. Yesterday I was wondering when the last time I'd skipped was, and I had no idea, so I skipped down the hall, and it was pretty fun. It's fun AND it's faster than walking, and if I weren't weighed down by a backpack and my lunch bag, I might skip around San Francisco more, haha. --- I'm still greatly enjoying my new speakers. When certain songs come on and I'm hit with the richness of their sound, I can't help but break out in smiles. I love feeling the bass pulsing through my body. --- Even though I've generally been feeling pretty good lately, I've also been missing some people and wishing I could talk to them. Mostly people I was close to once, but am not in contact with for one reason or another. One of them is someone I haven't talked to for years, and things did not end on good terms between us, but I still miss talking to him and I think about what he'd say about various things sometimes. I didn't want to miss him for a long time, but as I've been feeling more settled in myself, I've become more accepting of "what is" rather than "what should be." Missing him doesn't have to mean I necessarily want him back. I'm just being honest with myself about how I feel and letting myself sit with that feeling. It doesn't feel like I'm dwelling on it or like I'm "not over it" necessarily. I think part of my avoidance before was related to not wanting to feel shamed over having any feelings whatsoever around him, but when it comes down to it, maybe that's just how I operate. I carry everyone I've ever loved with me in some way, because people are significant to me. I'm learning to be at peace with that. It doesn't actively cause me distress generally, so I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it is genuinely okay. 0 Comments.
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