Sometimes I annoy people by pursuing what they view as unnecessarily complicated definitions of things. I've heard "you know what I mean" so many times from different people, and it all blends together. When I insist that I don't, in fact, know what they mean, they think I'm just being difficult.

I know some people appreciate this habit of mine, but they're rarer than the people who find it obnoxious. And well, I won't deny that it can be annoying when someone is asking you to define things at ever increasing levels of detail. I guess it probably seems like a pointless exercise when you live in a world of certainty (which I don't).

I'm lucky to have developed in contexts in which I haven't been completely shut down when I try to define things. In certain ways it's even been encouraged. I do have some friends who appreciate the extent to which I think about things.

I've been reading Barking Up the Wrong Tree by Eric Barker at an extremely leisurely pace, but the bit I just read earlier today was about the differential susceptibility hypothesis, which is sort of an alternative to the diathesis stress model in psychology. If you don't want to read the Wikipedia article I linked, basically it's just the idea that people might have certain susceptibilities to their environment that can be developed in different ways. So, traits that we might consider pretty negative (e.g. ADHD) could, in another context, actually be positive.

Taking this in relation to my susceptibility to depression, I wonder if I've just happened to have a life that helped me develop in certain positive ways. Like maybe if I'd had a different upbringing, I would have the kind of depression where you just lie in bed unable to get up, and you flake on your commitments and you're awful to other people (like in that movie Melancholia, which I wanted to like but didn't at all). I don't think my life has necessarily included the absolute ideal conditions to develop that susceptibility positively, but... I'm... more on the positive side of things, I think? Instead of circling around with endless rumination, I do put that heavy need to think through things to use and try to be constructive with it. When I do have the energy to actually act on stuff, all the thinking gives me a direction to go in.

Even though I like going to the gym, it did feel like I was kind of... stagnating a bit, character-wise, when I was going all the time. Keeping the worst of the depression at bay also seems to decrease the amount I think about things. One of my most productive periods of self-development was, I suspect, when I was sad and anxious a lot of the time because my 4th relationship constantly seemed at risk of crumbling. Wasn't all great change, though.

I've been moving away from labeling aspects of myself in black and white negative/positive terms. For a long time now I've been trying pretty hard to avoid anything that I think is arrogant or vain, but that has also resulted in me having difficulty with confidence and being able to take credit for things. I still value modesty a lot, of course, but I think it's more... socially reasonable to allow myself a bit more leeway with what I've tended to think of as vanity.

Though I don't know if I would have phrased it this way previously, I think I have been trying to perfect myself by eliminating my flaws to the extent that it's possible. I'm realizing though that this sometimes separates me from other people. Not in the sense that I'm better than them or anything, but... everybody has flaws, and people relate to each other's flaws, and I think maybe some people like me less when it seems like I'm trying too hard to be good. Like I'll judge them or something... It's easy to write that off and say "well they're just insecure" etc., but that doesn't really solve anything. I want to connect with people, I don't want them to feel like I'm too "good" (in the sense of morality, not superior/inferior) to relate to things...

I dunno why I'm talking about this. It hasn't been a problem for awhile, mostly because I eased up on that relentless pursuit of improvement. I used to frame things for myself in terms of improving, as if it were so straightforward, but I think now I like "self-development" better as a term. There are some generally agreed upon positive qualities, but everything has some downside to it, and I feel that "development' reflects that better.

I'm trying to be the kind of person I want to see more of in the world, and I'm having to constantly redefine what that means to me, but I'm hopeful that my efforts have been effective. It does feel like things have, on average, gotten better for me since I started trying to do this. At times I feel like I'm struggling though, because I used to have much more clear-cut ideas about what I wanted, and as I've refined them, it seems like they were very crude and oversimplified in the beginning. I've redefined so much so many times, and I'm not always sure what I'm doing or whether I'm moving towards what I want anymore.

But... I think things are going the way I want them to be, in the longer term. Not in all the small moments, maybe, but as a trend.

---

My legs are kind of tired and maybe a little sore from going to the gym again today. I did the Stairmaster for something like 15 minutes (skipped steps this time-- it's harder and yet somehow less tiring than doing all the steps; I kinda cheated though by holding onto the rails), then did a couple sets each on the triceps extension, bicep curl, chest press, and lat pulldown machines before getting on the treadmill. Walked for 0.15 miles, then ran half a mile at a slow 9:13 minute mile pace (legs were tired from yesterday), walked 0.35 miles, ran another half mile at an 8:20 minute mile pace. That second half was easier, surprisingly. I guess I just needed to warm up. Had the treadmill set to level 1 incline as usual, though it probably makes barely any difference. Given how my legs feel at the moment, maybe I shouldn't go to the gym again tomorrow. Even though I really want to, I have to remind myself to take it slow and not try to jump into what I used to do at the gym...

Judging. Being good.
Judging others is something "good" and "bad" people do, fairly easily. Everybody loves to judge. I feel like the most sincere way to practice goodness is the act of living good. Though, I do notice that everyone has a different definition of what "good" means.
» watermelon on 2017-07-28 11:36:14

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