I read a short story in Life's Little Oddities that I really liked today. Grabbed some screenshots of the ebook to post here.

The man described in the story, Ladbroke Black (what a strange name), seemed like something of a kindred spirit to me. If I weren't bogged down with anxiety and depression and shyness I feel like I might be more like him. Although, I must admit, he doesn't seem like he was a great editor if he was so indiscriminate with what he was willing to publish, haha.

Speaking of depression, my Facebook feed has lately been spammed with posts from this group I joined called "awful recipes: recipes for disaster" and it's getting to be a bit annoying. On some of the recent posts, people have been talking about the kind of stuff they eat when they're depressed. One of the posts was just a picture of a bag of brownie mix that a person was eating with a spoon. In the comments, people were sharing what their depressed meals are:


So, this is one of the parts of depression I don't really relate to a whole lot. I mean, yeah, I eat junk I guess, but not... like... that... This stuff always makes me wonder if my depression is just not as severe as other people's or if I am just less willing to let myself totally fall apart with it. Even if my whole body feels like concrete, I can't just skip obligations. As much as I've fantasized about it, I would never stay in bed all day doing nothing just because I'm depressed. It takes monumental effort to do anything, but I still do it. Fro said something awhile ago to the effect of being amazed that I could get out of bed when I'm depressed... but it's just never seemed like I was allowed to stay in bed. Worst case scenario, I get up later than normal, but I'm just not allowed to flake on my commitments. I don't like it when people say "I can't ___ because of my depression." It's just... not true? I mean, I don't mean to sound dismissive or trivialize anybody's experience... but even if you feel like you're literally made of lead, you can still move. My worst experience of depression was in winter 2009/2010, when my entire body felt so heavy that I could barely even type, and breathing felt like trying to lift hundreds of pounds with my chest. I still ended up going out with my mom that day, despite how incredibly difficult it was to move.

I dunno, like, I think people are more capable than they feel. I'm not trying to guilt trip anybody or say it's their fault if they're not functioning at a higher level, just... trying to say like, give yourself more credit, I guess. Like I think you can do more than you think you can. And I'm not gonna be disappointed or angry at people for not doing more, necessarily, but I'd like to encourage them, I guess. I don't feel like I'm just extraordinary in some regard, or that my depression has just been blessedly mild. I think it's more that my mindset is that as real as it feels, it's still just in my mind. There aren't literally blocks of concrete holding me down, as much as it feels like it. As long as I'm not physically bound, I can still move. Maybe this all stems from resolving to have some distance from myself and not take myself overly seriously when I was a teenager? I don't know. Radical freedom, haha.

Mm, I miss making silly philosophy jokes. Or just like... psych jokes? I'm not sure I even laugh at those a lot of the time, but I find them deeply satisfying for some reason.

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I had a dream that felt rather symbolic, and I keep thinking about it, but I'm not sure what to say about it. It was pretty rich in detail and filled with fantastical mechanical contraptions and creature, but trying to describe all of it would be an exercise in futility, I think.

The main plot was that I was in some other world (kind of like Narnia) and I was an heir to the throne of the land. I had the choice to stay there and become queen, or go back home and live my normal life. If I stayed, I couldn't return home to Earth. There was also a guy from Earth there who was in a similar position, and if we stayed we had to get married and rule as king and queen. I was thinking about what my life on Earth was like and how I'd been feeling kind of purposeless and lost, and how I'd have direction and more of a reason to live if I became queen. It felt like my life on Earth was empty and meaningless and I'd have a better shot at doing something significant if I accepted the throne. I decided to tell the current queen, who was a slender sphinx, that I was leaning towards staying but I wasn't completely certain about it, and she basically took my talking about it at all as a sign that I was agreeing to stay. She arranged an appointment for me to ascend to the throne for 6pm the next day, much to my horror. I tried to tell her that I hadn't even talked to the guy I was supposed to marry about the decision, and I didn't want to force him to stay if it wasn't a mutual feeling, but she was... resolute. I also tried to say that I was nervous about staying because there wasn't electricity there, and I would severely miss my music if I didn't have electricity, but she told me that there actually was electricity (and we were meeting in a huge hall full of ancient machines that looked like they were made of bronze), so I would be fine. Feeling distraught, I went off to find the guy I had to marry to talk to him about staying. I wandered through empty red-carpeted hallways and past golden banisters and doors covered by red velvet drapes tied off with gold ropes. There didn't seem to be anybody in the palace or wherever I was. While I looked around, I thought about my future and getting married to that guy (I don't even know what his name was), and I figured I could be reasonably content with him for the rest of my life, although we didn't know each other very well at all. Finally, I found him outside, and he looked very different from what I remembered... it was 5:20pm, 40 minutes before we had our appointment with the sphinx queen, and I was feeling panicked. He was with a couple friends, and I looked at him and felt repulsed. Then I thought about how I wasn't going to be able to talk to any of my friends at home anymore because the world I was in didn't have internet or a way to contact them, and I realized I'd never see the guy I like (in real life) again and I felt regretful and dismayed. As far as I knew, there was no way to take back what I had said to the current queen, and I didn't want to stay there forever anymore if it meant I was going to lose everybody I cared about, but I didn't seem to have a choice.

I woke up feeling kind of bummed out.

I've definitely had days where I flaked on my plans and just stayed inside all day because I knew that if I went out, I'd have a panic attack. I'ts not fun for anyone, but at least if it's just me, then I don't have to worry about trying to reassure everyone else that I'm fine while I'm clearly not.

re: Thank you for that :) The rational part of my brain tells me that it's just a feeling, it's all in my head and one day I'm going to look back on this time and think on how silly it was to feel like I don't deserve the life that I'm living. But I'm starting to get used to feeling the things I feel as they come, letting them run their course (keeping it under some control) and then moving on from it.
» LostSoul13 on 2017-06-24 07:28:40

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