Since I'm going back home after spring quarter, I decided that I wanted to give my therapist a gift, of sorts. I never gave any of my other therapists gifts, but it was never something I really thought was acceptable in the therapy environment. After reading so many different accounts of the therapy process, I'm realizing that it's not nearly as structured as I used to think.

Anyway, I'm not giving her anything expensive or fancy. A few sessions ago I told her about how I like to take long walks on the weekends and take pictures of things, and my desire to take pictures is sort of a barometer for my mood. She asked me what I take pictures of, so I tried to describe some things to her. I thought it would be nice to show her some of my pictures, so I went to the drugstore and bought a few prints using a Kodak kiosk (sidenote: it was my first time using one, but it was pretty easy, and I might do it again in the future). I just picked out a few of my favorite photos from the past few months, like the one with the realization pigeon and the discarded shoe. I don't know what she'll think, but I hope it's not weird. The total cost of the pictures was less than $3, so it won't be a big deal if she turns them down for some reason.

Reflecting on that Kodak kiosk experience, I've come to realize that I get a lot of anxiety about doing new things. I mean, okay, I already knew that, but I've just been noticing it more recently. Like there's this taco truck on my way home from school, and I keep thinking "I should go ask if they'll make me a bean/cheese/rice burrito," because sometimes I feel like having a burrito but I don't want to buy a whole pack of tortillas I probably won't finish just so I can have one burrito that wouldn't be as good as a Mexican restaurant burrito anyway. And I think they probably would totally make me that burrito, and the worst that could happen is that there'd be a bit of awkwardness on my end as I double checked to make sure that they understood I didn't want sour cream or pico de gallo or anything. I have literally been thinking about this for months, but I feel sort of paralyzed about it every time I get the opportunity to go ask. At the same time though, I haven't been consistently wanting a burrito this whole time. I honestly just want to know if I have that option available to me so that if the mood strikes, I know I can go there to get a burrito.

It feels like I have to psych myself up a LOT to do new things. With some things it's not as hard; like, I can go into an unfamiliar store on a whim and not feel overly anxious about it, and I can leave without buying anything and that's okay. Talking to people about stuff can be really hard, though. If someone I know is around though, that almost completely eliminates the paralysis, and I can just try things. There might still be some hesitance, but I feel markedly emboldened by the presence of a familiar person.

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Besides getting some photo prints today, I also went to dinner with my new housemate. I was sitting downstairs when he came home, and he asked if I'd want to go out and get a beer with him. I told him I'd be up for going out, but that I didn't drink. We ended up just going out for food a few hours later, at a sort of... world fusion(?) restaurant. I'd been there before, and I got a super delicious kale salad. He got... like three different things (they're small dishes) and a drink, and we talked about a few things. He picked up the tab at the end because my salad was only $9. Really nice of him! I haven't decided what I think of him yet... he seems nice enough, but I also get a slight sense of edge from him. Maybe that's just him being very straightforward and hmm... firm? about things. I want to say "cut and dry" I guess. It's a strong contrast to me. He asked me where the nearest grocery store was today, and it's literally like a five minute walk straight down the street, but I said that and then hedged it with some frantic uncertain "um"s and "I think?"s. So... then he ended up just checking on his phone to verify since I seemed so unsure. >.> I get the impression that he would find my behavior kind of annoying over a long period of time. Good thing I'm not going to be living here much longer.

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