I figured out a sort of workaround for my OKC issues. I just set my age to 96. No more visitors! No more hassle! But still available in case someone who was already talking to me wants to get in touch.

Leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. And by "tomorrow" I really just mean "in a few hours," because it's like 1:30 AM and it's actually Wednesday and we're going to the airport at 6 AM. Gonna sleep a lot on that plane, lemme tell ya.

Didn't make it to the gym today because Fro and Becka wanted to hang out in the evening, and the Zyrtec I took while babysitting (to keep from having any adverse reactions to the cats) made me suuuuuuuper sleepy. Ended up just napping as soon as I got home, then packed for Hawaii and headed out to Becka's.

[6/14/2016 9:26:22 PM] J: oh man, my grandma pwned me the other day
[6/14/2016 9:26:58 PM] J: you know how she was trying to argue the "well she's your friend, and she's a girl, right? That makes her a girlfriend." and i was like nooooooooooooo.
[6/14/2016 9:27:26 PM] J: well we were on a walk one day, and i was looking at a tree, and was like "oh, look, there are blue berries growing on that tree."
[6/14/2016 9:27:34 PM] J: and she goes, "those aren't blueberries"
[6/14/2016 9:27:54 PM] J: and i'm like yeah, i know they're not BLUEEEEBERRIES, but they're berries that are blue, i mean
[6/14/2016 9:28:00 PM] J: and she's like "oh, like your girlfriend?"
[6/14/2016 9:28:03 PM] J: -______________-
[6/14/2016 9:28:10 PM] J: i was in such defeat

When I was at Becka's house, I was telling my friends about J, and Fro paused and looked at me very seriously and was like "I would be fine with it if you married him." I was munching on a tiropita and froze mid-bite when she said that, and was just staring at her like O_O. Was so unprepared for that statement. Like whoa whoa whoa, nobody said anything about that. We're just friends, and thoughts like that about the future are... out of place. Plus, having a good friendship doesn't necessarily mean you'd have a good relationship. >.> It's not like you just upgrade to a relationship by adding some affection into the mix... As tempting as it is to view things that simply, my past mistakes have taught me that it doesn't work that way for me. I mean, there are different levels of commitment, expectations, behaviors... I'm trying my hardest not to jump into anything without full consideration of the consequences. I know I can get overly optimistic in these contexts, and I'm trying not to fall into the same pattern as always.

For reference, I feel like things more or less go like this:

-Summer: Feel awesome, have awesome interactions, all sorts of great things
-Fall: Whoops I'm getting depressed, things are starting to suck now
-Winter: EVERYTHING GOES TO HELL
-Spring: Well that sucked, starting to recover though

So yeah... I'm really hesitant to judge anything based on these warm weather experiences. I know that I can be likable and fun and [insert whatever positive thing] when I'm not depressed. That's the me that's easy to handle. I feel like I've gotten to a point where my depression doesn't have a significant negative effect on my friendships anymore when it gets to that time of year, but I'm still working on how it affects romantic relationships.

My lifestyle has changed a bit, though. I do exercise more (was looking up workouts on Fitness Blender tonight actually, so I hopefully don't become a couch potato in Hawaii), and I've been pushing myself to socialize wayyyyyy more than I did in past years. It helps that I've had actual friends to do that with, of course. The light box I got will also possibly help, though I haven't had a chance to try it out during the winter months.

Still, I fully expect to get depressed, and I don't want it to ruin anything more for me. (I know it wasn't necessarily the primary cause in past things going wrong, but I feel like it must have been a considerable factor; in any case it doesn't make things easier)

I hope someday I'll be over this fear that my depression will eventually drive away everyone I care about. It's been so hard, though, especially a lot of the times I've tried to be open and vulnerable and honest, it went really badly and I ended up feeling abandoned and anxious.

But... things have been getting better, slowly but surely. And I do think everything will work out, in some way. Maybe not the way I want, maybe not any way I could expect, but somehow things will be okay. (I really believe that most of the time now!)

"Getting Better" by The Beatles.

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