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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Good things and meaningful gifts
Monday, February 22, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 5.5 hours.

Normal stuff today. Mat Pilates, Stairmaster, ran a mile (7:30 time, level 1 incline), CSI, Total Dance. The air conditioning was broken in the classroom where CSI and Total Dance were, so it was basically like exercising in a sauna for two hours.

I had a generally nice day, though. It was very sunny today, but not hot. I visited one of the hospice patients for an hour and it went decently. She's a very nice old lady and always offers me some of her lunch when I'm there, even though I always decline (not that she remembers that I decline).

I was reading this article from Barking Up the Wrong Tree, and it included that thing Fro suggested to me when I was getting over my breakup in 2014. It's the sixth item in the list, "Write Down The Good Stuff That Happened". I haven't kept up with it regularly, but have been trying to do it again recently. Mostly I only list things and don't explain them though, so maybe I should explain them too.

Things I enjoyed today:
-The weather. I still remember feeling anxious and scared by blue skies when I was derealized. Now they remind me that I can appreciate my environment and that things feel clear and real.
-Sean sent me a link to this Vine. I told him about Noah showing me the original video, and it made me happy that he found that and thought of me.
-Finding out Mick Jagger was featured in "T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)" by will.i.am. The instructor for Total Dance plays this a lot and I decided to look it up tonight, and for some reason it really amuses me that Mick Jagger is in it. It just seems like such a strange partnership.

Last night I decided to take a 5 Love Languages quiz for fun, and to see if anything had changed. My score breakdown was:
8 Quality Time
7 Receiving Gifts
7 Words of Affirmation
4 Acts of Service
4 Physical Touch

The Receiving Gifts score surprised me at first, but when I read the description, it actually made a lot of sense.
Don�t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous�so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

This chart also has a helpful explanation of the different love languages.

I've realized as I've gotten older that gifts are actually really important to me. I don't want to just get stuff, though, what matters is the meaning behind the gift. I think a lot of things count as gifts, in the love language sense. Sean's link was a gift because it was specifically for me. I have another friend who just spams me with links that have nothing to do with who I am, and those are not gifts. My third ex would email me bird-related pictures and gifs, things like that, and those were gifts, because I like birds. It's not a gift, however, when someone sends me a cat picture they also sent five other people.

Gifts are best when they're unexpected. Things that say "I didn't have to, but I got this for you because I thought of you and thought you might like it." The "I thought of you" part is really key. Whatever the gift may be is a vehicle for that thought. "I thought of you... and I wanted to express that in a way that is tailored to who you are." They remembered me, but more importantly, they remembered me as an individual with certain preferences and experiences.

It meant so much to me when Becka brought me flowers one day at school to cheer me up when I was feeling sad. I feel like that kind of cemented her as a good friend in my mind, even though we don't talk that much anymore. I'm not sure any of my friends can really relate to me about this gift thing, though.
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