I'm procrastinating by writing this entry... I have a paper to write and a midterm to study for, as well as a presentation to practice for. Yayyy.

Sometimes I think about my attitude towards my mental/emotional health and what it means in relation to others. I sort of have this "I have to take care of myself because nobody else will/can" view on it. I mean that in the sense that I don't think anybody can solve my problems for me. It's still nice to have support from friends and family, but they can't directly fix anything for the most part.

Anyway, I wonder if that's a healthy perspective to have or if it stems from a fundamental distrust of other people. I say distrust rather than mistrust because well... I haven't had that many successful experiences with other people's attempts to help me, I guess. Fro has given me some helpful suggestions before (e.g. recommending trying to think of one thing that made me happy every day) but I can't remember the last time I was in a really bad place and anybody actually made a difference to me.

I often find myself in a supportive position, but rarely a supported position. I guess I'm lucky that my life circumstances are such that I can manage that. When I ask the people close to me for support now, mostly what I want is some companionship while I figure things out for myself. It's just nice to not feel alone. I can still manage without that support, but it feels better to not have to.

Although I haven't been severely depressed in quite awhile, I think I'm constantly aware that the next episode could always be just around the corner. It's probably pretty unlikely, given all the buffers I have in my life now, but it's not impossible. The memory of what it's like to feel so heavy I can barely lift my fingers to type is still quite vivid for me, even though I haven't felt that way in... I guess five years.

Getting better at handling things has been a long process, though I think I've actually been doing it a lot faster than some people, maybe even faster than average? I know there are people who deal with heavy depression their whole lives. I'll never really be able to know if I just don't have the same "level" of depression as people like that or if I've just been able to handle it much better. (That ever-lingering question of "Is it easier now because I just don't have it that bad or because I'm stronger?")

I feel really, really lucky whenever I think about this. I mean, it's not like the whole process has just been one happy accident after the next, and there's been a lot of effort involved, but I think the tools I started out with were still a lot better than what many other people have. I know it doesn't necessarily sound like much to other people but this is probably one of the most significant aspects of my life to me.

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I don't remember most of my dream, but it involved these ominous empty rooms called "Buddha Rooms" that I think were used as torture chambers... I never found out why they called them that.

---Edit---

I feel really happy right now!

I'm not sure if my level of depression ever got to where yours was, but I do know that feeling of wondering if/when the next episode is coming. And trying to figure out if things are easier because of the life situation or because I'm better at coping is an ongoing thing too. Questions we'll probably never know the exactly answer to.

re: that makes sense to wait, I think they're just happy that you still make the effort to do so instead of only going once and never again.
» LostSoul13 on 2015-02-16 08:38:21

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