I've had an internal debate going for a number of years now about what makes a person good. Sometimes I've felt like I'm not "really" a good person because it's not necessarily my instinct to be as kind as I can possibly be, or to be as considerate and thoughtful as another person might be.

There are times when I'm tempted to be mean to people, or not make an effort to care (though this has become less and less of a problem over time). I don't give in to these urges much, if ever, but the fact that they pop up occasionally bothers me sometimes. I've had this idea of a "good person" who's... hm, I guess for lack of a better term, totally pure. Someone who would never even think of hurting someone else, and to whom consideration and care come without thought, without effort. Someone who doesn't ever face the temptation to do other things. I suspect this idea came from the fairy tales I read as a child.

In more recent times (within the past couple years, maybe) I guess I've been moving away from this sort of "naturally good" ideal. It made me feel guilty about myself, and sort of like a fake. I guess now I conceptualize it from more of a relative/strength perspective rather than an absolute/inborn perspective.

(I'm very tired, so I hope this is coming out coherently)

Constantly resisting the temptation to be bad connotes strength and motivation. To know that there are alternatives and that you are capable of carrying them out, but to choose to behave kindly and considerately and compassionately anyway, to put in the effort to deviate from your nature/instinct, all that's a sign of dedication, isn't it? A commitment to be good.

The "naturally good" person, by contrast, does not face these temptations, maybe has no concept of a different behavior, does not have to consciously be anything. That's not a bad thing, but it just requires no effort on their part. The same amount of work can be easy for a person who's naturally gifted and difficult for someone who isn't. I wonder, though, if the "naturally good" person (if they even exist-- this is of course an ideal that could be totally unrealistic) is motivated to improve, to be better than they already are.

I have often been motivated to improve myself because I feel deficient in some way, but now I feel that I'm at a point where I'm not significantly deficient. I'm not perfect at all, but I guess I'm content with where I'm at. Still, I think I could do better. Well, be better. A lot of things have become much easier with practice. It's strange to think I sort of started doing this years ago, when I was a teenager. Back when my self esteem was so low I felt like the only way I could redeem myself was to put all my energy into being the best person I could, to cancel out the innate terribleness of my being. I made that decision when I was 16, I think, and I'm 23 now, so it's been seven years. Seven years of ups and downs, but slowly treading towards healthiness and happiness.

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At my last counseling session, my counselor remarked that he thought I was too young to be stoic. I thought that was sort of funny for some reason. I'm not really sure what I'm "supposed" to be at this age. Full of passion, energetic, unstable, dramatic? Swayed by fancies? I feel much calmer and more peaceful than I used to, and it seems nice enough.

---Edit---

This is so good.

THE FRACTALS

It's not a game exactly, but it's an interactive experience. I recommend full screen. NSFW though, just to warn you.

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