With the ever-increasing prices of cigarettes becoming a painful thorn in the side of addiction-prone morons nationwide, many have turned to alternative products to quench their undying impulse to cram their orifices with pseudo-edible objects. A new trend has been gradually gaining speed, much to the chagrin of model citizens such as myself. Seemingly harmless with complacent marketing schemes, the widespread sale of this malicious product has sparked utter pandemonium and general stickiness.

Gum is becoming the new terrible addiction in modern society. Nary a day shall pass where the words "Does anyone have some gum," "Can I have a piece of that gum too," "Give me some gum, asshole," or "Sweet Jesus, I need some fucking gum right now" aren't spoken. In fact, I hear people begging for these chewy treats many times during the day: people from all backgrounds and genders. It's quite frightening, and I can't understand all of the commotion over a small, pale, rubbery substance whose unimaginative original flavor is replaced within moments by a disgusting, stale, plastic taste.

Despite the rank foulness of the product, people have become utterly dependent on gum. One anonymous interviewee, who I will refer to here as "Wrigley" to protect her identity, recounts her tragic addiction to gum: "I was just a casual chewer before I got into Orbit [gum]. Now I'm up to a pack a day." Wrigley's excessive gum chewing is also taking the toll on her relationship with friends and family. As Wrigley's sister explains, "It's getting to the point where her addiction is becoming embarrassing. She can just talk to people, and by the scent on her breath they think to themselves, 'That girl chews'." It certainly reflects negatively upon those close to her.

Where does gum originate? Well, back in the good old times, Neanderthals found solace in chewing on chunks of pure tar. I can admit that gum has come a long way in terms of flavor since then. It's not like I've tasted tar, though. But excuse me for digressing. The point is, Neanderthals started the trend of chewing. Is that who you want your kids looking up to, parents? Neanderthals? If that's the case, then society is surely going to collapse, and we're all going to de-evolve within decades. So much for 4.4 million years of progress. You might as well sell off your Gucci apparel for stockpiles of loincloths right now. Don't worry about property values, either. Be prepared to sell off your homes for a couple sticks, ten shells, and half of a bird's nest, and get your belongings ready to drag into your new home: a cave. Do you really want to live in a cave? Yeah? You want to be eaten by a bear? Keep chewing gum.

People like Wrigley are also obviously those responsible for sticking gum under chairs and desks, and to the floors of movie theaters. Gum-chewers are foul vermin, leaving their waste in every possible place. It's entirely gross and self-serving. It is this mentality that is chewing away at the key structural points of our society. If there is no immediate intervention, we may see our modern culture collapse to its shaky and bruised knees, much attuned to the legend of Ye Olde Castle of Fermented Grits. "If I had no access to gum," Wrigley postulates, "I would most-likely literally combust." Great, look what you've done now, gum. All I needed was a smoldering corpse stinking up my afternoon.

But then, there is the possibility that this reporter may feel left out of the gum craze. Maybe all this reporter needs is a delicious piece of gum from a caring friend. So next time you toss your gum on the table, maybe take the extra step and say "Hey, Ed, want some gum?" That's all it may take to make the world a happier place.

Fucking Gum
I fucking hate gum too....for the first 10-20 seconds its great, but after that it sucks, and you are stuck with that shit in your mouth....there are more things I would like in my mouth....such as a four-dot bucket of dippin dots....those fuckers are great....possibly my favorite....however they are quite overpriced....I think that kinda sucks....we could get them for cheap....but those god damn liberal assholes keep the prices up....fucking liberals....they suck....ya know?
» Vance (209.146.80.106) on 2005-06-14 06:26:07

All too true my friend.
Yes it's truer than one might think. However, since gum is so attractive to American's everywhere, maybe we could sell anti-gum addiction gum. Damn would that make a shit-load of cash or what?
» dishysucubus on 2005-06-15 09:34:46

Well if you're going to have a gum that is designed to eliminate a gum addiction, then that gum would probably have to include a reason for people not to like it. It would probably taste horribly. In that case, I think people would just stop chewing anti-gum gum and just get regular gum again.
» le_battement on 2005-06-16 06:18:51

could be a progressive system... first step: tastes great second: worse third: worse ... .. . seventh: oh sheeatt
» (68.39.90.112) on 2005-06-18 07:37:14

Yeah, but unless it is somehow subtly altering the mind's perception of the gum, people are just going to realize that they're putting shit into their mouths and stop.
» le_battement on 2005-06-19 09:21:11

Hello. I'm freshly packaged and you seem to be everywhere. [[[ tina was here ]]]
» theorize on 2005-06-20 04:52:29

puts a hole nother meaning to the phrase "a pack a day"
and then there's that horrid smacking noise... *shudder*
» invisible on 2005-06-22 12:43:41

What do you mean by smakcing noise? Bubbles popping?
» le_battement on 2005-06-22 08:17:02

Back to the gum..
I dont think that gum junkeys are smart enough to figue out the difference between the normal gum and anti-gum gum. Since all they think about is gum, then they wont have any room to squeeze in thoughts like, "Ew this is going to make me throw up" or "Jeasus this shits gunna give me colon cancer." Maybe they'll just get hooked on anti-adiction gum.. who knows?
» dishysucubus on 2005-06-25 07:19:25

Pretendint to be DISHYSUCUBUS AGAIN I SEE
In case you didnt know its not cool to be liar. Just face the facts and tell the world your DISHYSUCUBUS!!
» amd4life on 2005-07-11 07:54:39

Can I get a interesting Entry?
Please, just one!
» amd4life on 2005-07-11 07:55:20

Terrible smell coming from your BLOG
Terrible smell coming from your Pants
» amd4life on 2005-07-11 07:56:04

Gum
Fuck you
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