I already went to sleep, but then, in a sudden twist of spontaneity, decided to come back and post this entry. You see, as I lay there, cold and naked, on my straw mat of a bed (on a raft floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean), I had a revelation...

Since I've started working, I ride the elevator a lot. The elevator can lead to very awkward situations -- ESPECIALLY if you make it so. The following is a short list of 10 simple things you can do to ensure that your elevator experience is as awkward as possible. (These situations obviously require the existence of others in the elevator.)

1. Stand very close to the other person. Not only stand close, but face towards him or her, and breathe heavily.

2. Slowly, but surely, hit all the floor buttons. Do not make eye contact w/ any of the riders, but make it seem like you know what you are doing.

3. Shout "I KNOW!" as loud as you can.

4. Shoud "WAH!" (duck noise) as loud as you can.

5. When others are having a conversation, politely tell them, "Please be quiet. I am trying to study."

6. When others are having a conversation, kindly smile and interject "That's not funny."

7. Stand near the door and make no effort to move when people enter or leave the elevator. If they push, call them assholes.

8. Make eye contact with a fellow rider. Ask him or her how it's going and after he or she responds, tell him or her to stfu.

9. Cough up phlegm and spit it on the floor.

10. Last but not least, flatulate loudly and persistently.



I hope reading this entry will help you make your elevator ride as awkward as possible. Good luck!

What a coincidence...
My server is on a straw mat on a raft floating in the Atlantic Ocean. It's just enough hours ahead of EST/EDT that it has to be plopped right in the middle of the sea.
» etheracide on 2006-10-18 06:58:53

#7's the best.
You know what you can do that's also really awkward? Have sex with a girl on the floor above/below you, and then tell her she sucked at it and never talk to her again. When you have to ride with her on the elevator, it'll be SO awkward.
» Bartholomew on 2006-10-18 09:24:13

Especially when other people are on the elevator, and especially when it's the other guy on your floor that you know has screwed her.
» Bartholomew on 2006-10-18 09:25:27

Flatulence. Ha.

The only thing I ever remember to add to these lists is to put gum on the buttons. Nobody likes gum on their fingers.
» hikarixgaki on 2006-10-18 08:08:04

lmfao
you should see the stuff on this site my friend aj sent me. it's on my list. http://www.getannoyed.com/elevator.htm
» middaymoon on 2006-10-18 10:41:12

I'm doing the ' Please be quiet ' one.
» Dilated on 2006-10-19 02:58:48

Personally I like putting a desk in there and pretending it's my office.
» bluetopaz on 2006-10-19 11:01:35

I think #2 is the most sly/clever.
I'll think of that next time I'm in an elevator. . .
» invisible on 2006-10-22 12:00:48

I bought the feathers from a guy who sells feathers for flyfishing and it cost 20 bucks with shipping. Kinda spendy but hopefully worth it.
» Chloefoxx on 2006-10-22 03:55:42

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