Adda Mabalina

“I think men are lovely, but I don't think that women should relate everything they do to men: did he hurt me, do I forgive him, did he put a ring on my finger? We women are so conditioned to relate everything to men. Put a group of women together and the conversation will eventually be about men. Put a group of men together and they will not talk about women at all, they will just talk about their own stuff. We women should spend about 20 per cent of our time on men, because it's fun, but otherwise we should also be talking about our own stuff.” - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I always write about boys.

I can’t promise I won’t ever write about boys again, but I realize I let my life revolve around how I feel about men, and how they feel about me. God, I feel so vapid.

I always think of what a perfect relationship would be like, for me. I’m all about love. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but I think it’s soo much of my center focus in life. Instead, I want to picture the perfect life for MYSELF, with or without a companion. I want to love the relationship I have with myself. This whole time of “focusing on me” was so I can be ready to be in a relationship again. I realize that is the wrong way to think about life. I should focus on me...because I AM me. Life will continue with or without a companion. I need to focus on me for myself, not to be ready for somebody else. I have goals for myself, and it’s beautiful.

I want to see the potential in everyday. I want to laugh with myself everyday. I want to be a better dog mom. I want to be a better nurse. I want to feel healthy everyday. I want to feel good in my body, staring in the mirror. I want to be a better daughter. I want to work more, and enjoy it. I want to challenge myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to grow, not for a relationship. Not for anyone else. I want to be the best me...for myself. I want to be proud of myself, for myself.

Just as Pink Sweat$ says in his song Honesty, “Your thinking is all wrong, Love will happen when it wants”, I need to stop revolving my life around wanting and being loved.

Fuck that, my life is for me.