bcmst3000's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

"I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You dont"
"Autumn's Monologue" - From Automn to Ashes

still believe?? fuck, what does that mean? listen, the L bomb is a big one. its hard to drop. i only dropped it twice but meant it both times, at least to the best of my understanding of it. but what happens when circumstances interrupt love? do you fall out of love with him, or do you make compromises of your ideas of love? and theres no accusing here, just questions because my brain has been mud wrestling the same shit ever since. listen i understand the situation. good times, separate, lonely, taken, temporarily happy?, single, lonely, missing the good you once had. no malevolence, cant in good concience tell him about some of those steps along the way so you dont talk to him at all for a while there.

how is it that the hardest part of being so far from home is being away from someone i met after leaving? why does it still fuck with my head? i thought i was thru all this. but nooooooooooooo, Mr. Brain says "hey guess what brian? FUCK YOU! look at these pictures and feel like ass. hahahaha" fuckin brain. hes lucky i cant shit him out because hed be halway thru koreas sewers system by this point for this shit. why. why cant i let go. why do i have to hold on. why do i still hold on to others before. why does my brain still kick me in the kidneys and say "hey, rmember 9 fucking years ago when you stayed up late talking to _____ and listing all the things youd do for her? yeah that sucked didnt it? ok have fun!" fuck you! of course i remember it, im too stupid to let it go. and of course i would still do all that for her if i could. as i would for ___ and ___ like i told them i would.

fuck. if i could do one night stands, life would be great. cant do it tho. and believe me my penis hates me for it. so instead i get close to her. we spend all types of time together, i make her smile and laugh and feel good, without being stupid and obsessive and all the other dumb shit our sex does. fuck, as close as it is, sex is sometimes not as good as seeing her smile. you completely melt. its like christmas and your birthday from the last 5 years crammed into 3 seconds. is that love or my crazy ass view on life which i know is hard if not impossible to follow. but fuck that, no one needs to understand my brain to understand my actions and where my heart lies as a result. my brain wants to tell me shit like "just another one, or no lasting effect" and its depressing as shit. but fuck my brain. its wrong. ill be damned if i wasnt me in all my aspects that make me: me. another me will never be found. and ___ and ___ know it, but ____ blew it forever as stated in the 2003-4 postings in this journal, and i still think its retarded why.

still believe. does it mean you believe that you still do, as in you think it is the same as it was before but not sure? like possibly not sure of the compromises you can/can't accept with the word? or does it mean you still are the same, but you only believed it because you werent sure what it was? and i know its alot for just two words but im so not sleeping tonight because of it. i have no one here to feel strongly about so i get lost in myself and we all know how bad that gets. fuck i hate being here sometimes. because fuck 'still belive' because I KNOW. and because im so sure i know i worry. theres never 'frogetting' from me, and theres minimal compromise on the word. compromises like i understand if theres someone else therebecause he cant replace me. compromises like accepting that i cant be there for absolutely everything, which is a painful compromise but a logical one nonetheless. because holy shit it something happens to you because i wasnt there to protect you. and i know youre reading this and you know what my fucking fear is and if it happened my life would be ruined. fuck awol, fuck duty at that point. id have a new, superceding duty that would result in jail time. much rather rot in jail knowing i did my duty than rot thru life with regret of not doing what i should have while a piece of shit would still be alive. fuck all that. never. no question.

still cant let it go. still eating my brain like a worm. all i can see right now is that little 3 inch screen that popped up and was choppy and only worked for like a minute. but holy shit no one has any idea what effect it has on me. to see you making that person smile, holy shit. undescribable at best. and luckily so because im already loosing what i started to ramble into in the last paragraph which is never a good night. emotion like this is like writing and having sex: the longer you dont do it, the more it builds up, and the stronger of a release it is when it comes out. and some people cant do it for so many times in a short period because it gets thin and runs dry. but i know ive proved the opposite on at least one, and alot of people have seen the writing keep going here. but the fact that i have no one to pour love onto here means its building up. and like the others, i have alot. and when i go even a short period without releasing it, shit gets all fucked up. grant it, i of course have my parents and friends back home, but thats all different. still grateful to have them though. and for now, coms is back up and it looks like i can have an outlet again, but im hesitant. i was all excited when i first got here and what happened there? plenty of writing about that as well. and again i understand, im not out to make anyone feel bad. its just the situation sucks. but you've struck hope in me again. so now i can actually go to sleep. i think you stay you still believe while you know, as well as i know.