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thought i was done
Saturday. 5.28.05 11:54 pm
so i lied. my friggin head is still going a mile a minute. uphill. and i still dont even know what to talk about. i dont trust myself to be in charge of people. id put them all in front me and fuck myself up somehow and not be a leader anymore anyway. but for my concern for those people id be outstanding as a leader because id always make the good decision to keep their shit in tact. i love this feeling. i see other people (usually) in uniform, even marines, navy, etc uniforms and theres just this automatic respect and love goin on. anyone else with that same flag on their shoulder i have on mine id follow where ever they go to get it done. BUT theres still the douche population. theres still people that ride sickcall and do the bare minimum and dont gove 10 seconds to help their buddies. fuck them. they're as bad as the enemy. if not worse. we know why the enemey is fuckin our shit up, they have a reason, much respect (but it would rock if they stopped) but these people here in our ranks fuckin our shit up is retarded. fuck those assholes. i say we take those fucks and drop em in the middle of baghdad alone. dickheads. i think i can forgive most things but i find it hard to forgive that. giving others lives away, especially lives you've sworn allegiance with and are over somewhere fighting so your buddy fucking ass can live free and shit. fuck that. theres only one group of people i can picture that i hate more and they dont have death sentences suitable enough for them. and they're the michael jacksons (assuming he actually did it) and other random shit eatin rapists that are just worse than any semblance of shit you can conjure. fuck i hate that word so much. i dont even know why. i havent had it happen to me, and i only know one person who had it happen and that was well after i hated it so much. i dont understand. i dont understand how people can do that shit to other people. i cant even try and look at it thru their eyes to try and rationalize it. i cant. theyre animals. not good ones. i like animals, but not these fucking fucks. fuck. they should let the victims brother, dad, husband, whatever fucking own the person who did it and make the rest of their life worse than anything satan can come up with after they go to hell. fuck them. i have no sympathy for any of those people. and i dont want to hear anyone defend them on 'mental issues' or any of that crap either. fuck you. fuck them. oh my god if i could wish for any group of people to be brutally and savagely destroyed its right there. dammit i cant sit still now. it hurts the inside of my head. and once it starts i cant stop it. i feel ridiculously and inexplainable sad for the people who have to deal with it and live with it forever or die from it or.,.. and then the fucks who fuckin walk around and do it agaian and go back to living their little fucked up life with no consequence., that the shit that makes me think theres no god sometimes. fuck that. listen. there arent enough nerves in the body to be pushed beyond their capacity of anguish for those. i cant even call em people or animals or shit. they need to make a new word. i cant say the r word either cause then i hate it even more. it scrapes the inside of my head to think about it. and i try not to but it keeps going. why? why does it keep fuckin with my head? why does it happen? why cant we mutilate those things before they do it. fuck i swear one day this it going to drive me completely crazy. i thought it would never happen to me. but i get this feeling like i cant control anything and that i will lose all control. of thoughts, body, actions whatever. everything you're in control of normally that you use to do simple tasks. then it feels like their not there and you dont know why or how to get it back. what do i do to make it go away? i cant just close my eyes and forget it. i cant ignore it or act like it doesnt happen. it does. all the fucking time. so many fucking things out there walking among us like they have and earning of living for another second. they dont. it makes me hope for god just so theres someone to punish them eternally. im all abut forgiveness and dumb mistakes and second chances, but not them. not for that. never. why do they have to do it? why cnat they be human? why are they still breathing? why do they still have limbs and organs? why do we let them back into society. fuck 'we', ID never do it. oh sweet jesus, im scared. im scared if that happened within my whatever you want to call it what it would do to me. it would destroy me. this feeling would be worse. i dont pray like i probably should but heres one: stop that, or give me the strength to make sure it doesnt happen. give me the ability to watch over. fuck shes over there alone and fuck. that drives me crazy. and im not paranoid. its just if that happened i dont know. id be gone. no more brian. if that happened to anyone. but i know SHE is right over there and i cant be there. fuck that is insanity driving like nothing ive ever felt. if she just didnt want anything to do with me or whatever, then its whatever, but if that happened while theres was any possible chance it could have been stopped ... bad. bad stuff. fuck., why does this make me so crazy? i cant sit still. i fucking hate those things so much. they need to be set on fire and put out. alot of times. then healed and burned again. on going anguish, with brief periods of pleasure to make the next pain that much more critical. fuck i need to go and go
2 Comments.


sweety, please just relax. you know everything is ok. you'll be able to be with me tonight.
» teapot (63.225.41.127) on 2005-05-29 10:40:23

and stuff
breathe. focus. breathe. lots of bad things ou t there and all we can do is take steps each day to insure that we are safe and that these jerkfaces can't do what they are plotting and this goes on a large variety of levels. love ya nice talking to ya :o)
» arac (172.146.135.16) on 2005-05-30 05:13:13

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