bcmst3000's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I have no idea what to talk about but i never do when i start these. hm, i saw madagascar today. entertaining. saw star wars yesterday, THAT was the movie to see. i love it. i wanna watch the originals now. if i was darth vader id put some sexual devices in my suit. dont know why. dammit i have to physically fight in my head NOT writing in past tense. stupids ISM's. the army is warping my fragile little mind. only not. im readin over my old entries just crackin up. and everyone else reads them like "what is this monkey smokin?" banana crack bitches. everytime i try to stop and grab one subject to talk about my brain keeps jumpin around. i start to think about sometin someone said that pissed me off then its like "ooh cookies" then "ah whats goin on tomarrow" dammit brain shut up. i need playstation. that always balances me out. i have absolutely nothing to write about, yet im still typing.
ok talkin about mass punishment. gettin smoked for someone else doin somethin dumb. the idea is to create cohesion. aka we all ensure one another do not screw up so we all dont get in trouble. what ends up happening is the same select crazies screw the same stuff over and over and theres nothing anyone of us can do to help them. so we all get in shit anyway. and because theres nothing we can do to fix it, we are essentially fucked, and start to hate those individuals. and some people defend those individuals a little longer then the others, so they all start hating each other too and it creates huge rifts in the element, which is the opposite of the desired result of the initial action which seems to be more and more the way of the world. why is it like that dammit? why cant shit be simple; i need this i do this to obtain it. cake. but no. i need this so fuckin soupy sails and toe nails and then you're no where near what you wanted. damn lions. im a lion. i wake up. im hungry. i kill a zebra and eat it. i poop. i go to sleep. outstanding. simple. throw in that opposable thumb and its all screwed up.
and this army stuff. ill be sent somewhere to fight a fight that i may not even be sure why im fighting. or what the over all mission is, just my part. i could be doing a very good and noble task that is only so a larger evil task can be carried out. i dont want that. but its happening all over now. all countries. and its happened all thru history. so it feels natural to be here and doing my similar duty as those before me, but i get that 'brick in the wall' feeling hard and i hate it and love it. always being so different, being a brick in the wall gives me a place and a purpose. then again it makes me just like everyone else. i can be a rock like everyone else, you the rock someone gets stoned with. you follow the analogy. so whats the alternative? dont go, dont do the duty and be called a useless coward? mostly by myself. and then what? struggle to make a living with the regret of selling myself out and end up dying anyway? fuck. or i stay here and possibly get shot in the face, possibly for a cause/belief not of my own? fuck again. so like is that life? one fucked choice or another? so i will die. do i try and stretch it out and live a possibly meaningless, hide behind shit life and just die a little later and more worthless? or sign up to dive head first into iraq and get fucked up like that? theres somepart in the middle that i have to find. im not seein it though. being here alone makes me feel like part of something good, i feel part of that honor of the soldiers of yesterday. but then i dont because im not there. im not doing it. im not watching my buddies get blown to shit. and i dont want to see it. but then i cant call myself soldier like those who have seen what true shit is. so then again, which extreme do i go? t-space to infantry or stay as far away from the dookie as possible? why is every decision loaded? join or dont join? deploy or dont deploy? tell her how you feel or keep choking on your tongue? break yourself or save yourself? why dont i have these answers yet? i thought as you grew up you figured all this shit out, and i thought i did. but ooohhh no it was just gettin started. fuck. whats in korea? will i be in a chill ass buidling playing xbox? or will i be sleeping in the rain runnin the whole time? should i worry about it now or say fuck it and deal with it as i get to it? or say fuck you and run into it all motivated like taking whatever comes? i like that one better. fuck you. wherever i go and whatever i do ill figure out what i need to do and goddamn do it. its that easy. its too easy. fuck worrying. worrying is time that could be done doing. or planning. just doing wont get shit done right.