bcmst3000's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

nothing drives us like desire. most actions we do are an effort for what we desire. wheteher it be survival or power or other things most things we do, consciencely or not are steps towards that which we desire. the problem with many people is that they dont know what they desire. or they take a wrong action to reach what they do desire. i think part of why i have no shame in my actions and no regrets are because im open, and honest with my desires.

and i desire the two basic things everyone desires: survival and power. of course i desire happiness but broken down, these things make me happy and create new options to be happy. obviously if you're dead you cant do pleasurable things, except lay there. and having power is its own form of happiness. for me, striving to gain said power, and overcoming the challenges required makes me happy. i dont like pain, i dont like volunteering myself into shitty situations, but that is not what i look at when i make descions on what actions i will take. i want to be able to run fast so i run at nite. and it usually sucks, either its hot or cold, im already tired from work, my legs get sore, and i know ill feel all these pains once i step off the porch. but my desire for that strength, that power, keeps me going. and ill go right into it without hesitation. i accept the pain because i know the positive outcomes. always running from pain will make life that much more painful.

now im not slit-my-wrist-goth or anything mind you. i personally see no positive outcome from cutting myself. if i have a huge calise or something than its a different story. but i see no gain from intentionally causing that pain to yourself. but i guess its usually to get attention from others which is a source of power; the ability to gain peoples intrests and concerns and to a point control how they think about you by creating an image of yourself so they believe you are that. but fuck that. act like superman and make people think you are a superhero or something. be interesting.

but back to the point. i definatelty desire power, its natural. but i feel i dont take it beyond a natural extreme. and i dont want any kind of malicious power. i feel knowledge is power and that is my main area i strive to improve. i love learning new things, whether its taught to me or i figured it out myself. nothing is like the feeling of figuring out something extremely complicated on your own. it gives you a feeling of power, without causing harm, or stepping on anyone in the process. self growth is where its at mother fuckers, which means no selfhelp books (which isnt self if someone else tell you what works for you. jesus you people) no copying other people, no asking someone how you should live your life or what actions you should do to make yourself happy. this is probably why im so antisocial all the time. the less i hear others say, the more genuine truth i can discover myself.

i also like the power to make others happy. i do this now by using a skill/knowledge i have that they dont. im steady fixin people computers, or doing physical labor for them that they cant do, or just giving my own personal advice. i feel my brain and my general open way of thinking is power in itsself. ill always give someone a comptelely open view on something even if its not what they want to hear (which is why i hate when people ask me 'does this make me look fat' why bring out the asshole in me?) i also like the ability to make people smile. i think im funny and i can make people laugh. i also think sometimes im good at cheering people up. and usually its the small shit like holding the door for someone or letting the person in oncoming traffic, who doesnt get the arrow, turn in front of you. comeone it costs you 2 seconds but can save him a whole light cycle. thats power. brightening someones day. most people want some sort of power to affect others lives. which is why people are so mean. no one wants the 'hard road' of sacrificing time or energy to help someone life. instead they cop out and take the power to make fun of someone, or throw something at someone, or some dickhead prank to completely ruin someones day. way to go, you have the same power that 6 year olds have. and if youre contepmt with that then fine, but when people talk about 'the strong survive' and you arent qualified, i dont want to hear bitching.

because i desire these powers i work to get them. im bustin my ass 60 hours a week so i can go back to school and gain more knowledge. and i will do more 60 hour weeks next summer so i can move to england and get a whole new world of knowledge. and hopefully meet new people who have the same power desires i have. im hoping the atlantic separates the silly from the cool. i hate people.